Ask Dr. Jake (yep... the doctor is IN!!)

[deadair]

it's back... and i know you have some stupid fucking questions for me.


like my buddy George W. would say, "Let's Roll".

 

[xfer]

Dr. Jake, sometimes my girlfriend gets all bloody. how do i put an end to that?

 

[deadair]

Originally posted by xfer
Dr. Jake, sometimes my girlfriend gets all bloody. how do i put an end to that?

how did i know this fag would be the first to ask me something?... anyway,

what you are going to want to do is get yor self a tube of bathroom caulk and a sea sponge. do you have your matterials together Mr. fag-o-matic?... good. now, when this shit starts to happen, tell the ho to hit the showers (you want a clean working area). this next step is a must, DRY THE AREA COMPLETELY. that caulk is good stuff, but the seal well crack if you put it on a wet work surface. now, after she is dry, jam that sea sponge where the bleeding is happening. caulk around that bad boy, and you are all set.

after 4-5 days, peel the caulk off and toss the sponge out (make her do that, you don't want to get near that nastiness).

glad to help,
Dr. Jake

 

[minxnim]

i think i just went hysterically blind. good thing i am an excellent typist.

 

[xfer]

i was hoping your response would endorse the use of domestic violence somehow. meh.

 

[deadair]

they usually do... i know.

but for that... you want to take care of the blood, not cause MORE bleeding.


NEXT QUESTION!!!

 

[goatschool]

for the good dr jake;

i had a few bottles of beer last night, and apparently i had one more than was necessary, as i still feel not entirely “right” this morning

is there any way to speed up the process of sobriety?

 

[deadair]

Originally posted by goatschool
for the good dr jake;

i had a few bottles of beer last night, and apparently i had one more than was necessary, as i still feel not entirely “right” this morning

is there any way to speed up the process of sobriety?

by 'a few', i'm guessing you mean 3 or 4... in which case, you must be a pussy. no REAL man gets a hang over from 4 beers. but, you seem like a nice gaywad, so i'll help you out.

what you are going to need to do is get yourself, what i like to call, "the sliders". to reach this level of defacation you will need to get two (2) egg McMuffins from your local MacDonalds... make sure to ask for "two greasy as fuck egg mcmuffins". this will do two things. one, the greasy will take care of the booze leftover in your system. and two (this is where the term "sliders" comes into play) that shit will be out of your system in... oh, i say a half an hour.


glad to help,
Dr. Jake

 

[goatschool]

Originally posted by deadair
by 'a few', i'm guessing you mean 3 or 4... in which case, you must be a pussy.

glad to help,
Dr. Jake

you got me dead to rights.

thank you. thank you, dr jake.

 

[xfer]

dr. jake seems to have a pretty gross sense of humor today.

 

[deadair]

sense of humor?!?!... i'm trying to help people here, asshole

 

[xfer]

Dr. Jake, what is the worst sort of ethnic food and why?

 

[deadair]

Originally posted by xfer
Dr. Jake, what is the worst sort of ethnic food and why?

this is an easy one...

Canadian food. Why? because they are fucking queerbaits.


glad to help,
jake

 

[xfer]

is that considered ethnic?? i thought canadian meant "lack of ethnicity".

 

[xfer]

not to question Dr. Jake or anything.

 

[deadair]

watch yourself Mr. xfer...



NEXT QUESTION!!!

 

[VangelicSurgeon]

Dear Dr. Jake,

I'm recently engaged, and my fiancee wants me to be involved in somthing she calls "planning the wedding." What does this entail, and is there any way I can avoid it if possible? Thanks!

Baffled in Boston

 

[avi]

I'd be scared if I was you, mr josh

 

[deadair]

Originally posted by VangelicSurgeon
Dear Dr. Jake,

I'm recently engaged, and my fiancee wants me to be involved in somthing she calls "planning the wedding." What does this entail, and is there any way I can avoid it if possible? Thanks!

Baffled in Boston

dear baffled,

you poor poor bastard. there is nothing funny about someone putting on the ball an chain. trust me, i speak from experiance.

here are a few things that will help you get out of 'planning the wedding'

1)agree with everything she says. even if she comes up the worst idea ever... let it slide.

2)act retarded. not to the point where she wants to leave you... but just enough to get out of planning this stupid wedding. lose shit ALL THE TIME. then she won't trust you to take care of the simple parts of planning (i.e. calling places, making choices on your own... that kind of stuff).

actually, get use to the idea of not making choices for yourself ever again. it will save you a lot of fights after the wedding... just a tip.

those are your options... besides slipping into a comma, which, if the other things don't work, you might want to look into.

glad to help,
Dr. Jake

p.s. i better get an invite to this fucking party.

 

[xfer]

dr. jake, this question was a PERFECT opportunity to endorse the use of domestic violence. shame on you for missing that.