Ask Dr. Jake (yep... the doctor is IN!!)

[deadair]

Originally posted by xfer
dr. jake, this question was a PERFECT opportunity to endorse the use of domestic violence. shame on you for missing that.

Mr. xfer

if he were to ask me about things AFTER the wedding... trust me, a good beating with a sock full of oranges would be suggested. if you beat them BEFORE the wedding, they can back out... and then who are you going to beat? mmmm?


glad to help,
Dr. Jake

 

[xfer]

again, the wisdom of dr. jake. my future wife will thank you.







(i'll make her)

 

[deadair]

i'm here to help



NEXT QUESTION!!!

 

[xfer]

Dr. Jake, what do you think of your fellow advice columnists? namely, I'm thinking of Heloise, Dan Savage (my personal favourite), the twin brittle jewesses, and Miss Manners.

--Cat Fight Maker

 

[deadair]

Originally posted by xfer
Dr. Jake, what do you think of your fellow advice columnists? namely, I'm thinking of Heloise, Dan Savage (my personal favourite), the twin brittle jewesses, and Miss Manners.

--Cat Fight Maker

Dear pussy fight,

this question is a waste of my time... of course they are all fags. and you are a fag for not having me listed as your favorite.

glad to help,
Dr. Jake

 

[avi]

Dan Savage would not argue with that answer.

 

[xfer]

the day he stopped printing HEY FAGGOT, a little of me died inside.

 

[FuSoYa]

Dear Dr. Jake,

I'm recently engaged, and my fiancee wants me to be involved in somthing she calls "planning the wedding." What does this entail, and is there any way I can avoid it if possible? Thanks!

Baffled in Boston

I want you guys to have Martin Short from Father of the Bride as your wedding coordinator so bad!

 

[deadair]

NEXT QUESTION!!!

 

[chupe666]

Dear Dr. Jake:

I work in Cubeville, an insipid yet thriving suburban maze of crapdom. The woman in the next cube who has a hearing problem insists on speaking to me on a daily basis, only to make me repeat everything I don't want to say to her 542 times.
What can I do to dissuade her from this idle chit chat without being fired/arrested/french?


Suffering in St. Louis

 

[deadair]

Originally posted by chupe666
Dear Dr. Jake:

I work in Cubeville, an insipid yet thriving suburban maze of crapdom. The woman in the next cube who has a hearing problem insists on speaking to me on a daily basis, only to make me repeat everything I don't want to say to her 542 times.
What can I do to dissuade her from this idle chit chat without being fired/arrested/french?


Suffering in St. Louis

Dear Suffering,

this is a tricky situation you have on your hands here. anything involving cripples is going to be touchy. but here are some tips that should work AND keep you out of trouble.

1)fake to be MORE crippled than she is -
the idea of being MORE crippled than her might not sound like a good plan. but trust me... everyone feels uncomfortable talking to a handi person. so, it makes sense that if you are more crippled than she... she will back off, because no one likes to talk to a crippled.

2)hit on her -
Now, i'm not talking about "grab her boobs" or something. but give her hits that you would like to. she should be creeped out and leave you alone. actually, most of the women might leave you alone after this option.

3)get a whisper 2000 -
you know those things on TV? if you have that laying around, you can just pop it on anytime the cripple starts talking to you. this way, you can hear her AND not hurt her feelings.

glad to help
Dr. Jake

p.s. that last idea is for pussy fagots.

 

[xfer]

proper spelling is FAGITS, retard.

 

[deadair]

I will be doing all the name calling around here... fudge packer.



NEXT QUESTION!!!

 

[chupe666]

 

[xfer]

Dear Dr. Jake,

Why do you look at me when you hate me? Why should I look at you when you make me hate you too?

--Fat and Bald in L.A.

 

[deadair]

Originally posted by xfer
Dear Dr. Jake,

Why do you look at me when you hate me? Why should I look at you when you make me hate you too?

--Fat and Bald in L.A.

Dear Fag in L.A.,

...my intro says it all.

glad to help,
Dr. Jake

 

[goatschool]

Dr Jake, i'm sorry i'm back, but you see i waited in line, properly.

so yeah

here's the thing. why does my cat keep shitting in the tub? what can i do?

here's the scene.

the litterbox is currently in the tub. the cat will not defecate in the litterbox, even though it is in the bathtub, unless i layer newspaper all over the tub floor.

then, he will poop in the box, but only if it is properly maintained. he's not thrilled about the newspaper, but will choose to do his business there if the litter is not to his liking.

help quick. my apt currently reeks of cat urine and i assume he just did his business on the newspaper.

 

[chupe666]

Originally posted by deadair
Dear Suffering,

this is a tricky situation you have on your hands here. anything involving cripples is going to be touchy. but here are some tips that should work AND keep you out of trouble.

1)fake to be MORE crippled than she is -
the idea of being MORE crippled than her might not sound like a good plan. but trust me... everyone feels uncomfortable talking to a handi person. so, it makes sense that if you are more crippled than she... she will back off, because no one likes to talk to a crippled.

2)hit on her -
Now, i'm not talking about "grab her boobs" or something. but give her hits that you would like to. she should be creeped out and leave you alone. actually, most of the women might leave you alone after this option.

3)get a whisper 2000 -
you know those things on TV? if you have that laying around, you can just pop it on anytime the cripple starts talking to you. this way, you can hear her AND not hurt her feelings.

glad to help
Dr. Jake

p.s. that last idea is for pussy fagots.

Dear Dr. Jake-off:

Per your advice, I did a little of each.
I pretended to be handi, with a drooling lisp, a tick, and a stumbling limp.
Then I hit on my chatty neighbor.
Said lump of crap then proceeded to invite me to the supplies room for a little "inventory check".
What, pray tell, do I do now that this seething, fetid pile of subhumanoid matter wants my very frightened loins?

And make it good, I've cc'd my lawyer.

Quaking in Cubesville

 

[ezekiel]

is she at least hot?

 

[azal]

JIm Norton used to have a column of this nature....only totally funnier....xfer would have enjoyed it...I'll try and find it one day.