Ask Dr. Jake (yep... the doctor is IN!!)

[deadair]

azal has just got it out for me...

IS NOTHING I DO GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?!?!?!

 

[minxnim]

dear dr. jake,
i have two questions:

(1) why are internet people always fucking jocking me?
(2) why are graffiti writers always fucking jocking me?

 

[minxnim]

p.s. plz let me write an advice column on indie workshop k thx.

 

[xfer]

preppy, you'd have to make sure to give your advice a hip "indie" slant...

 

[minxnim]

nah, then they'll just fucking jock me too.

 

[xfer]

maybe. I'm interested to see what Dr. Jake has to say on the subject.

 

[minxnim]

i think he'll say no! that's ok.

 

[xfer]

I mean, I want his thoughts on the whys of your continual jockening.

 

[minxnim]

me too, most definitely.

 

[xfer]

 

[minxnim]

what the effin hell?

 

[xfer]

he's the Madonna of the drunk, middle-aged male persuasion. like Black Elvis.

 

[deadair]

Originally posted by chupe666
Dear Dr. Jake-off:

Per your advice, I did a little of each.
I pretended to be handi, with a drooling lisp, a tick, and a stumbling limp.
Then I hit on my chatty neighbor.
Said lump of crap then proceeded to invite me to the supplies room for a little "inventory check".
What, pray tell, do I do now that this seething, fetid pile of subhumanoid matter wants my very frightened loins?

And make it good, I've cc'd my lawyer.

Quaking in Cubesville

ok, to be fair, you didn't tell me she was a nypho handi. so, legally you don't have a leg to stand on.

and what are you bitching about anyway?! i'm sure a fag like you hasn't gotten any 'action' for a good long while. my advice?... take full advantage for your little handi hunny. try new stuff out on her (like that 'thumb' question you sent me awhile back). it's not like you are going to care if she leaves you. unless you get all attached to the handi whore because you a tappin' dat thing.

glad to help
Dr. Jake

 

[deadair]

Originally posted by the_preppy
dear dr. jake,
i have two questions:

(1) why are internet people always fucking jocking me?
(2) why are graffiti writers always fucking jocking me?

the internet side of this question is easy -
most of the 'people' you run across on the internet are fat nerdy white kids... with bad facial hair. most of these pudgy fags have never been within 25 feet of a 'normal sized, non-headgear wearing' women. so naturally, you frighten them. and if D and D has taught them anything, it's to lash out at things they don't trust.

the graffiti writers is not that hard either... when you really think about it.
they want your hollow leg. plain and simple. if they had that thing you store food in to hide paint cans... well, forget it.


glad to help
Dr. Jake

 

[goatschool]

i like how dr jake completely blew off my question.

conclusion: dr jake is a sham-artist bitch who needs to get his (?) blood-stained mitts chopped off in a country that endorses such things, and then have it videotaped, and then put on the net. so that i can post the link right fucking here, right on this thread.

fuck you, dr. jake. i'm sick of this class warfare. what is it, posters who have 2500+ "contributions" under their belt get serviced? fuck you x 3127

 

[deadair]

Originally posted by goatschool
Dr Jake, i'm sorry i'm back, but you see i waited in line, properly.

so yeah

here's the thing. why does my cat keep shitting in the tub? what can i do?

here's the scene.

the litterbox is currently in the tub. the cat will not defecate in the litterbox, even though it is in the bathtub, unless i layer newspaper all over the tub floor.

then, he will poop in the box, but only if it is properly maintained. he's not thrilled about the newspaper, but will choose to do his business there if the litter is not to his liking.

help quick. my apt currently reeks of cat urine and i assume he just did his business on the newspaper.

sorry i missed your letter Whinny McBitchalot. you see, Dr. Jake is a very busy man. you should ALL feel lucky i take the time to do this at all. now shut your fucking yap and listen to what i have to say.

you need to pulg that cat up, but not with sea sponges and caulk. no, you need to take care of this from the inside out.

first... take away all liquids from your cat. that will stop the peeing problem after a day or two. and if the fillthy thing is shiting on your stuff... either A)feed it nothing but cheese or B)get rid of it, there are pletty of other rats with fur that need a place to live.

glad to help
Dr. Jake

p.s. if you follow my advice to the letter... that thing will be dead in a week. problem solved forever.

 

[minxnim]

i'm not convinced! because there are a lot of other girls on the net who don't have extra eyes or excessive body fat. dammitall! i will have to call oprah i guess :/

 

[deadair]

Originally posted by the_preppy
i'm not convinced! because there are a lot of other girls on the net who don't have extra eyes or excessive body fat. dammitall! i will have to call oprah i guess :/

listen... i talked with THE OPRAH before i gave you my answer... she is not going to tell you anything different then what i told you.

so take heed little missy

 

[azal]

oprah will however end the advice with a reassuring "you go girl" which means all the world....

 

[minxnim]

this makes me sad