Best Quotes

[Dän]

'The deciver will always find someone ready to be decieved' Machiavelli.

omg im so well cultured!

 

[The Ozzman]

Who need sports when you have heavy meta?

-Mikael Akerfeldt when I saw Opeth live

Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun.

If you don't know this, kill yourself

 

[Skepticism]

Any of you ass ticklers know Nietzsche?

 

[PanzerKunt]

Not personally

 

[Skepticism]

 

[AchrisK]

Del Preston: So there, I am, in Sri Lanka, formerly Ceylon, at about 3 o'clock in the morning, looking for one thousand brown M&Ms to fill a brandy glass, or Ozzy wouldn't go on stage that night. So, Jeff Beck pops his head 'round the door, and mentions there's a little sweets shop on the edge of town. So - we go. And - it's closed. So there's me, and Keith Moon, and David Crosby, breaking into that little sweets shop, eh. Well, instead of a guard dog, they've got this bloody great big Bengal tiger. I managed to take out the tiger with a can of mace, but the shopkeeper and his son... that's a different story altogether. I had to beat them to death with their own shoes. Nasty business, really, but sure enough I got the M&Ms, and Ozzy went on stage and did a great show.

 

[cookiecutter]

Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said "Hey, hows it going?". So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said "Now whose asking the questions?"

Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do it.

I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they'll know this is someone else's territory.

Jack Handey

 

[Valerie]

wil anderson (australian comedian) on all the religious wars going on:

"i find it ridiculous, i mean come on, what were really doing here is just arguing about who's imaginary friend is better than the others."

Didn't George Carlin or someone else say that? I definitely remember hearing it before, but Will Anderson doesn't ring any bells at all. Not to mention that if this guy was only in Australia, then there's no way I would have heard him (to explain this, I usually only watch comedy on TV, I only watch comedians I already know of on the internet).

Edit: I searched Google and it seems like everyone is saying that, so, nevermind I guess.

 

[cookiecutter]

It's not like that joke is all that creative or funny. It just goes on shock value of calling God an "imaginary friend".

 

[AchrisK]

Deep Thoughts Rule!!

"One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late."

"To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks.""

"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."

 

[Manic Ferocity]

"If the grass is always greener on the other side than the guy with the greener grass doesn't think your grass is greener now does he?" - Maddox

 

[A8]

Chester Cheetah appearance on Family Guy
..."Goddamn!... Neil Peart's the best drummer ever!"
*after he sniffs a line of Chee-Tos*

best fucking one. YOU WIN

 

[Satanstoenail]

"If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, its that girls should stick to girl's sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxy and such and such..."

- Homer Simpson

 

[The Ozzman]

"If the grass is always greener on the other side than the guy with the greener grass doesn't think your grass is greener now does he?" - Maddox

This quote is good, but Maddox has lost his touch. The novelty of his writings has diminished mainly because he writes something every 6 months.

Same goes for Tucker Max.

 

[Alongside Death]

Napoleon Dynamite: So, we're pretty much friends by now, right?
Pedro: Yes.
Napoleon Dynamite: So, you got my back and everything, right?
Pedro: What?
Napoleon Dynamite: Never mind.

Man, I was stoned after watching that film.

 

[Pessimism]

Useless contribution:

"Familiarity breeds contempt."

"Idealism is what precedes experience..."

"The best way to see Faith is to shut the eye of Reason."

"Few men have virtue to withstand the highest bidder."

"The graveyards are full of indispensable men."

"After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut."

"Humanity's behavior suggests intelligence is an evolutionary dead end."

 

[Manic Ferocity]

This quote is good, but Maddox has lost his touch. The novelty of his writings has diminished mainly because he writes something every 6 months.

Same goes for Tucker Max.

Yeah, Maddox has been disappointing lately. Even The Alphabet of Manliness was somewhat disappointing.

 

[ThisIsACoolName]

This thread needs more Yogi-isms. Little nuggets of brilliance from the great Yogi Berra for those not in the know.

"It aint over 'till it's over".

"If you come to a fork in the road, take it."

"Nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded."

"You should always go to other people's funerals. Otherwise, they won't come to yours."

"If Babe Ruth were alive today, he'd turn over in his grave."

 

[cookiecutter]

Aflac?

 

[ThisIsACoolName]

"And they give you cash, which is just as good as money."