Clients From Hell

[Jordon]

^ hah! Dude, what IS IT with people in this area?! I come across that at least twice a week. In theoretical dollars, I'm a millionaire.



Client: "Take all the 70hz out of the kick drum, and pump 800hz into it. Pull up an analyzer...See? It shouldn't look like a smiley-face, a kick drum LIVES at 800hz. There's too much attack, so dip out that 8K. Nah, just high pass* it down to 2k."

*I assume he meant "low pass," but who knows.

Not totally sure what happened after that, because my brain did its own version of a blue screen.

Oh, and this oft-repeated gem from the same guy: "My mix inspiration is Chris Lord Alge."

Ahhhh, that project ended in quite an interesting way.

 

[Habsburgs]

Oh, and this oft-repeated gem from the same guy: "My mix inspiration is Chris Lord Alge."

Whats wrong with Chris Lold Alge?

 

[Jordon]

Whats wrong with Chris Lold Alge?

Last time I checked, CLA's kick drums didn't sound like over-inflated basketballs.

 

[Tommy Evans]

Me: Hey bud how's the new band coming along? Too bad the old one didn't work out.

Client: It's great man, and yeah the new band is good. Same dudes just a different band.



....wat?

 

[thefalloftheheretic]

Not as good as some of y'alls, but...

Client: okay, so we want the guitars to sound like Confide (metalcore band).

Me: alright, well with your rig (Crate solid state head and cab) I can't make it sound like that, but we can go direct in and get it re-amped.

Client: will you charge me for that?

Me: yes, it will cost approximately $$

Client: nah man, we can't pay any more for your services, you're expensive as it is.

NOTE: I was charging them very little compared to the local studios around here.

Me: well, we can always use amp sims if you go direct in, I can get fairly close to that sound.

Client: nah man, we want a real amp. Just mic mine and make it sound like that with all your plugins.

Me: I can't do that. Your amp doesn't have the sound of Confide, and no amount of tweaking will make it sound like that.

Client: you're just trying to get more money out of me!

Me: no, Will (not real name), the money for the re-amp would all go to the person doing the re-amping.

And this continued. For two weeks. Finally, after recording from the effects loop (was trying to humor him) and tracking drums, he found that his tracks ended up sounding so off time with the drums (was his fault, not the drummer's, as he was very good), he decided I was right. However, their singer quit soon after and ended up putting their band on hold.

 

[Loren Littlejohn]

But nonetheless, you all can get a good laugh at the complete fuck idiocy of this mindless asshole.

I would have stopped after he thought your prices were to high (and they are per song, he's a DURR if I have ever heard one).

It's not getting into it more than that ever.

 

[Loren Littlejohn]

Thank God I have only had one band fall apart mid recording, I did get paid for the services I did though so no fucks were given. But I know in those situations it's not that difficult to just say "fuck the recording and fuck the dude doing it."

I'm sure others have heard this one but it's by far the one the is funnest to tell (yep that is right FUNNEST).

Them (15-17 year olds): We would like to record one song.
Me: Ok that's $$$$$
Them: Ok can we do ____day?
Me: Yes I will see you then.

They show up on time, but the drummer roles up with a drumset that literally doesn't stand up. No joke, the kick was missing one of it's arms. I have also never witnessed a kick that shallow. It couldn't have been more than 10 inch deep.

Me: Um, how are you going to play that?
Him: I don't know.
Me: Yeah let me get a hold of another kit.
(mapex saturn shows up, no time to get new heads though )
Him: Yeah this should work.

I set up mics, have the guitar player go direct for scratch tracks and hilarity ensues. I was trying REALLY hard not to laugh when this went down (shit just can't be made up or described, just listen):

Holy SHIT.

Me: Um... that wasn't a song.
Them: Yeah we didn't really write one, I've only been playing for 8 months.
Me: Ok, well um I really can't do anything with that. You really need to keep working on it and come back when you're ready.
Them: Well uh, we really want to record a song.
Me: Ok, do you know anyone that can play guitar that you can work with (I did not want to compose for them).
Them: Yeah.
Me: Maybe work with him and come back. We will have to program the drums for sure and if we can get one good track down I think I can make something out of what you come up with (although I really should have stuck my ground)
Them: Ok

They come back with said guitar player, who was better at coming up with stuff and playing it (I knew him). So we work for a few hours and get one take... one fairly bad take....

To be continued....

 

[Loren Littlejohn]

So when we were done with that. I had the decent player stay behind and re track what they came up with and double it. I had him play the bass as well and I programmed in some drums.

Before they left though I had the growler do his thing... It was so off, I mean like wow. So I did some quick BS editing and got it sort of in time .

Anyhow this is how it came out. No idea how I even got it this good (if you can say it's good lol), and I'm sure to this day they (not together anymore this was 3 years ago) still can't play this song.

What was all set and done

If the links don't work, I'll update them when I'm not on a stupid POS XP dell work machine.

 

[TPCalm]

I am so upset this thread is over.
This was hilarious.
Someone please continue.

 

[Skinny Viking]

I can't for the life of me get this goddamn page to open

 

[AboutBlank]

I work at IKEA in the center of Berlin, I don't even wan't to start to tell dumb client storys...

Just one thing: You really loose the trust in human intelligence

 

[TonyS.]

DO IT!

 

[heshian46]

^ hah! Dude, what IS IT with people in this area?! I come across that at least twice a week. In theoretical dollars, I'm a millionaire.

I know right, were in the wrong area.