Completely off topic: My review of The Hills Have Eyes


METAL... nuff said!
Sorry folks, just posting this here to liven up this boring, ass-draggin' Thursday morning. Hopefully, you'll get some entertainment out of it. If not, I'm sure John will delete it and ban my ass for a month! :heh:

My brother and I were interested in seeing the new flick this weekend, so we wanted to watch the first one and get caught up.

Holy fuckin fuck, did we make a terrible fuckin mistake.

This was a high-school-quality production, on a community-college budget. The only suspense I felt, was for the credits to start. Holy bleeding colon did it suck. The whole time, I'm debating how many more beers I'll need to drink in order to make this film finish sooner.

The storyline was used, abused, and resurrected from any shitty 80's slasher flick. The villains weren't even villains, they were bad actors wearing mediocre makeup, breathing heavily the whole time. That doesn't scare me. A Queen Alien, a Predator, a dinosaur, Michael Myers, Chucky, fuck even Ghost Hunters on SciFi Channel was more genuinely frightening and creepy.

All the characters were dreadfully stupid and annoying. I was begging for each of them to die. Why? Cuz they're all ditzy airheaded women, a mumbled-speech redneck ex-cop father, a twerpy wimpy emo cellphone sales dork, a rookie brat boy with terrible aim, and a baby that shoulda been beaten against a tree to end this shitty string of genetics.

This movie was entirely unbelievable. I didn't buy one fuckin thing in the whole film. It was one bad stereotype after another, and a chain of unrealistic situations.

First off, Cell Phone Twerp. This twerp is in the middle of the Arizona desert, expecting five bars. Come the FUCK on! "Uh honey, I can't seem to get a signal..." No shit Kojak. Great deductive reasoning. What a senseless fuck. He goes running off with the only worthwhile character, the DOG, to rescue is brat baby daughter... wait... who the FUCK fucked this twerp? Who the FUCK would let this emo dork piss in the gene pool? Anyways, Supertwerp goes off with a bat, fully expecting to find his baby, and also expecting to run into a bad guy or two. So what does he do when he sees the first one? He silences his best weapon, the fuckin GERMAN SHEPHERD FLESH-SHREDDER ON FOUR FEET, and hides in a shitty old 56 Chevy corpse! Loose that fuckin dog on the monster for fuck's sake! Then he snoops inside the house, sees a freak, and DOES NOT smash its head in. The price he pays for that mistake? The freak smashes HIS head in. Fuckin hell. The fuckin dog has to "rescue him" from Sloth from the Goonies, and instead of picking up the axe and chopping Sloth's head off, he grabs that shitty bat and hides in a room. Good job, Chunk, you've really earned your sheriff's badge, you fuckin hero.

The father ain't exactly a work of fuckin brilliance either. Wanders off in the night to find the gas station. He's packin a Dirty Harry pocket cannon. What's the first thing he does when facing the bad guys? He WASTES two perfectly good rounds, attacking the darkness. What a great cop. No wonder he was a DETECTIVE. He couldn't shoot his mouth off! Two rounds down, he blasts the next two into nowhere in another panicked scramble. Great. It felt wonderful to see the baddies set his ass on fire tied to a... whatever the fuck he was tied to that wasn't there earlier in the film. Nice continuity. It was pathetic watching TwerpMan trying to put out a 20-foot inferno with ONE tiny carbondioxide fire extinguisher.

Which leads me to my other favorite fuckin botched scene. The wonderful rape scene of retardation. First time I've ever caught myself rooting for the rapist. This stupid blonde cunt needed it. She lets one of the kickass dogs run off cuz she's a dumb cunt, she's completely worthless as eye candy, and is only there to drag everyone down with inconvenience and missed opportunities. The only thing worse is...

The mother. What a vacuous-minded cunt. She's sleeping soundly at one end of the camper, while her daughter is getting raped by Sloth at the other end of the camper. WITH A LIGHT ON, SHINING DIRECTLY ON THEM. Da fuck? Then when CopDaddy gets infero-ed, mom wakes up to the boom, and runs out the camper... WITHOUT NOTICING HER OWN DAUGHTER GETTING RAPED???? This worthless whore deserves the .44 magnum slug to the belly she gets, more than any other shitty movie character before her. The eldest daughter gets the last bullet from the pocket cannon to the cranium, not because she was trying to fight off another bad guy, but because she fucked TwerpBoy and bred his worthless seed. She shoulda coat-hanger-aborted that slug first chance she got.

Oh yeah, can't forget to tear into the shitty "gun expert" son who packs the most efficient weapon in the movie, yet RUNS AWAY FROM EVERYTHING. Da fuck. Monster Mash is heading his way, so he runs the other way, firing blindly behind himself. "Oooh, look at me at the beginning of this shitty flick, I've got a Cop for a dad, I can pretend to wield a handgun efficiently, I can look like I can aim this thing woo hoo! Where's the devil so I can piss my pants and waste ammunition?" NotDave could kill this little faggot with a Nerf Bow and Arrow faster than this faggot could shit himself.

Which brings me to some kind of fuckin conclusion or summary. THIS MOVIE SUCKS. Wes Craven, you should be ashamed of yourself. You created FREDDY FUCKIN KREUGER! And you peddle this half-assed embarrassment. RETIRE. Just fuckin retire. Quit while I still remember your quality work. You're just like Eddie Van Halen. A hero past his prime, trying to resurrect his career. Go retire and enjoy your wealth, and let us remember your glory days. Let better people make better films than you can now.
If that makes you feel better, I went to watch the second part of it last night in the movies... It was plain worse than the first. Much worse. Good thing I had 300 playing in the next room, so I went in to watch it for the third time.
I personally really like my horror movies like I like my metal covered in....


I just need Stormwarrior/Hammerfall/Manowar to make a horror movie and my life would be complete.
It wasn't a cheesy movie. It was a TERRIBLE movie. There wasn't any campy humor, no one-liners, nothing to really give a crap about. It was just lousy script-writing, no tangible story, and HORRIBLE acting.

I love me some campy horror, man! Army of Darkness, AliensVsPredator, Any Nightmare on Elm Street flicks, Shaun of the Dead, even 300 had it's cheesy moments.

Manowar already made a movie. It was Conan the Barbarian. \m/