To be honest, I have not read every post and the majority I have pretty much just skimmed over, so I really don't know what you're talking about Kovenant, but I'm sure you mean well. Nick, if you are offended by what I said in regards to the situation in America, I fear you gravely misunderstood me. I did not mean this as a general attack on all Americans (lest I be attacking myself as well) but rather as a way to show the gentleman I referred to that he is not alone in this situation. That put aside, I suppose I can talk about my failed relationships (if you can call them relationships) since this seems to be a friendly environment.
My Ordeal began in February of 2001. I believe it was the fourth or fifth. Anyway I was talking to this one girl I had known from the internet for a while. We always thought it sort of hopeless for us to consider being more than friends since we lived far. We never talked about it but this seemed to be the way it was. Anyway, one day she told me she was looking through the white pages (residential) phonebook. I asked her to look up a name for me. She asked me why and I told her that I wanted to call the guy's (the one who was listed in the phone book) daughter. She asked me how tall I was. I thought this as a rather odd form of answering me but anyway I told her that I'm 6 feet tall, or possibly 5'11, as I don't remember how tall I was at the time. She then asked me out. It turned out she was 5'10 and had a hard time finding guys who were taller than her. So anyway I called her the next day and we never mentioned going out for about a month or so. I really started liking her and I told her a couple of times the way I felt but I don't think she took me seriously so I figured a friend is better than nothing so we stayed like that.
On a side note, she was older than me (it's usually worse that way, isn't it golgotha) by about a year and made me more interested. Anyway last July, I went to Mexico for vacation for a month. I got really bored over there since I couldn't take my guitar with me. So one day I bought a phone card and called up some of my friends from over here. She was, of course, the first one I called. I called her a couple times and in total, blew $50 on phone cards. I was astonished that I had money to eat since I only took $50 with me. The last time I called her she told me she was moving to Chicago. At first I thought she was joking around but I realized she was serious. So I went to my room, quite shocked. The thing about me though, is that shock has control over me for a long time and it needs to wear off before I feel anything. Once I started feeling, it was not an enviable experience. I cried the most I have ever cried in my life that day, 12 hours straight. Although I might attribute this to the excessive amounts of alcohol I drank. I kept thinking about this one time when I was sick (I believe it was the week of February 12-16) and she called me everyday to see how I was doing, which I was touched by considering my own mother didn't talk to me, so she was the only one who did. Anyway in my drunken insanity, I thought of killing myself. I got on the edge of the roof and started leaning forward. Fortunately for me, I was so drunk that I fell backwards onto the roof, saving my life. That experience made me stop drinking so much so it was good in a way.
Anyway, I didn't get over that for until February or March of this year. I met another girl that reminded me of her. Similar interests, similar situation, etc. This happened last December. I started liking her but I was afraid the same thing would happen. I was feeling really bad one day in the latter part of February so I took to drinking and I ended up calling out to gods whose names I did not know, since I was already pagan but still quite ignorant. I asked for her (the first one) to just be back. So the next day I had to prove to myself that it's over and so I called her number. Much to my amazement, she answered the phone. She gave me a logical explanation, claiming that she had just moved back. She didn't go to Chicago after all, but moved to a different part of town. I told her what school I was going to and it turned out she lived very close to it. So we agreed to meet the next day. She said she would meet me outside of my school (I stay there an hour and a half after school since I can't be picked up any earlier) but somehow I knew I would be stood up. Perhaps it was because it had happened twice before. I thought people could change in so much time so I gave her another chance.
Anyway I did get stood up and I decided it should just end between us completely since she was most definitely not the same person I once knew. So I tried talking to the new girl I had met, as she seemed very nice. Invariably, I went crawling back to the first one when the new one I had met was not home. To my surprise, she asked me out that time, so I decided to meet her at some gig that my school hosted. The music sucked (a bunch of stupid punkers who desperately needed talent) but it would be little price to pay. Since I was a member of the group that hosted it (and because I worked my ass off setting up!) I got in for free. So I did stay there by the door, looking disgraceful, waiting for her to show up. There was no alcohol at the gig so I decided to get coffee. I was broke so my friends (who incidentally happened to be there) pitched in to buy me ten cups of coffee. This was the only thing that kept me from breaking down in the middle of a large gathering.
That was the last straw and I never talked to her again. Instead, I started feeling something genuine for the new girl I had met in December. In time this became actual love (I use the word with caution as it is tossed around all too often) regardless of the fact that I had yet to meet her in person. The one time I did go out with her (for distance assured of once being all there was) was the most wonderful night of my life. We were never more than friends but I definitely felt something. So anyway this feeling started getting much stronger until it developed into something similar to what it is now. In time, it became a thing of misfortune and I hated the fact that I loved her so much and I wished it would go away. She happened to tell me one day in the middle of a conversation that "it will never happen." Naturally this stung horribly. The worst part came when I found out she had herpes. I was very upset since I knew she didn't get it from me, as I had never slept with her, or anyone else for that matter.
So naturally I tried to avoid her. I didn't call her for quite a while and I had only limited contact with her through instant messages. One day I decided to try to make things right between us so I sent her a long E-mail describing what I felt. I had told her several times prior but she never took me seriously. This time she did. She felt really bad for hurting me in so many ways. I was touched, as this was the most honest thing I have ever heard from her. So everything is now the way it was several months ago. I'm longing and she is still completely clueless. The nice part about how all of this turned out is the fact that she now has a new form of being with me. She has finally uncovered that good heart she has that was buried deep beneath a history of emotional trauma and a defensive personality. As an added bonus, I have come to grips with the fact that it's never going to happen but I guess that's just life.
As for advice, I recommend seeking solace in your inner creativity. Mine happened to be music and I wrote my best work while constricted by my sorrow. This naturally, boosted my self-esteem and generally made me feel better about life and everything in it.
I have to commend anyone who actually read my entire post. Looking back on it, I see it was quite long. I hope it didn't get cut off. Anyway I would like to thank everyone here for approaching me with such a kind attitude and creating a friendly and understanding environment.
