Crap. Not a lot you can do there except prove her wrong, and that could be troublesome/painful/annoying.
DT Forum Members (and their messed up relationships)
- Thread starter Kovenant84
- Start date
Ormir
Senior Member
Truth is over-rated. Sometimes honesty can be a lot more damaging for all partys than white lies or silence.
BigFakeSmile
toe much love!
id rather know the truth... the last boyfriend i had told me when other women hit on him, but i didnt doubt his interest in me or his disinterest in them based on the rest of our relationship. unless someone has jealousy "issues," the best thing to do is make sure they know, through your words and your actions, how much you like him/her and the relationship. when i have felt jealousy, it has been with a person who did not make it obvious to me that i was special and best. although this does not apply to nicks example, in general (and if the relationship is somewhat serious), both guys and girls should try to make their partner feel involved in their whole social lives, and try to get them to know their other opposite sex friends. although some people want to "compartamentalize" their lives, this leads to feelings of jealousy, inadequacy, suspicion, etc.
my relationship problem is that i dont want to be in any relationship that I'M involved in. i do miss the making out though...
my relationship problem is that i dont want to be in any relationship that I'M involved in. i do miss the making out though...
rahvin
keeper of the flame
in principle, i'd agree with bigfakesmile.
however, most of the times an intense relationship with someone of the opposite sex is going to put your partner under some stress, whether any of the parties involved have second thoughts/secret agendas or not. i think it's also preferrable to let your partner know the truth about everything, but there are situations where ppl are not prepared for total unadulterated truth, and it's not the best thing to do to shove it down their throat regardless of the consequences. especially considering that there are very few ppl you can really trust to the point of knowing they would never lie back to you.
rahvin.
however, most of the times an intense relationship with someone of the opposite sex is going to put your partner under some stress, whether any of the parties involved have second thoughts/secret agendas or not. i think it's also preferrable to let your partner know the truth about everything, but there are situations where ppl are not prepared for total unadulterated truth, and it's not the best thing to do to shove it down their throat regardless of the consequences. especially considering that there are very few ppl you can really trust to the point of knowing they would never lie back to you.
rahvin.
Hiljainen
why can't we not be sober
Wolfman Von Jones
The trouble with you
my head is seriously spinning. i would never, ever have thought that you, of all people, would say that. this is not to say that i disapprove or disagree, on the contrary i do agree, especially if it's someone else's and not my partner, but i always thought of you as a hardliner here.
h
Hm this topic is very sensitive for me these days. Ppl i trusted told me some truths they were hiding from me. On one side i was happy and grateful to know the truth, on the other side the truth in itself and the fact that they lied to me for a respectable amount of time, hurt me deeply. Still i prefer having been told the truth.
Now i wonder. Do i now know everything or is it just the top of the iceberg?
rahvin
keeper of the flame
@hyena: i used to be, but now i reckon if someone trusts me with the truth they also trust me to be tactful enough to at least take some decisions regarding the right time and situation to spill the milk.
@siren: it is reasonable that the one who's been withheld informations would react in this way, but if you try and see the other side it might just be that those who kept the truth from you for long were worried about disastrous consequences. what would you think of ppl who thought if they told you the truth you would get yourself in trouble, or get hurt, and were to decide whether to jeopardize your health or risk losing your trust? it's not an easy decision...
rahvin.
@siren: it is reasonable that the one who's been withheld informations would react in this way, but if you try and see the other side it might just be that those who kept the truth from you for long were worried about disastrous consequences. what would you think of ppl who thought if they told you the truth you would get yourself in trouble, or get hurt, and were to decide whether to jeopardize your health or risk losing your trust? it's not an easy decision...
rahvin.
@rahve: i am not sure i agree there. the least i can say is that there is some degree of arbitrariness in deciding when the right time is.
two examples come to mind. you know them, but i'll briefly recall them for the rest of the people onboard.
in recent and not-so-recent times, i was once receiver and once announcer of an untimely, or supposedly so, truth. fair enough, in both cases i was dumped, showing that no matter the specific dynamics i end up in the gutter, but that's another story
about two and a half years ago, i started going out with a man who confessed his bisexuality to me after one week. i went to rahvin and wolfy for advice, and the guy was really annoyed by this, since he thought i was violating his privacy in a bad way. i never got around to deciding whether i really did something wrong in the situation, but i realize that i acted confusionally, driven by emotion as opposed to reason, and sure this was not bad. subsequently, he said that it was his fault, since he shouldn't have dropped on my shoulders such a weight without preparing me. now, i do not agree on this at all. if i don't know how to handle a new situation, it's because i lack the necessary culture, control and strategy; someone who does not talk to me about any issue because they recognize that i'm "not ready" should simply not go out with me, since that would make for a highly unbalanced relationship. i think that one should assume that their partner actually can understand; if one sees that this is not true (and the risk must be taken into account, but not translated in a negative straight away), either the issue is discussed or the person is dumped on account of being stupid. i think that the first should always preceed the second, since you never really know the difference between a misunderstanding and lack of sensitivity in someone you've not been knowing long. but if you assume either one and therefore shut up, what are you doing with that person, judging their maturity from a pedestal? silly.
in the other instance, far more recent, i was dumped on account of having mentioned my attraction towards a category of men that don't include my partner. most of you will have realized that i have a knack for powerful men 30 years older than me, and some of you will know from knowing me that this is nothing more than a fantasy world and that this would not jeopardize my relationship with someone who doesn't belong to this group. much as i wouldn't dump a boy if he has photographs of an actress in his room, since i know this is entirely platonic, and more fandom than love, i had no idea that someone could be so paranoid as to mistake this attitude with something that could sway me from a proper relationship. in this case, i couldn't even make my amends or explanations, since i wasn't allowed to. but, again, i don't regret having told the truth; i entrusted the person with my feelings and thoughts as they came, if he chose to barricade against them in lieu of asking questions and understanding that there was no danger to him it's decidedly better to have lost him. i wouldn't have felt honest in deciding exactly where and when to tell him - who am i to say?
all of this is not to indicate that you, rahvin, are a lying bubu; of course i appreciate your point in some cases, but i would love to hear a more detailed discussion of the problem.
h
two examples come to mind. you know them, but i'll briefly recall them for the rest of the people onboard.
in recent and not-so-recent times, i was once receiver and once announcer of an untimely, or supposedly so, truth. fair enough, in both cases i was dumped, showing that no matter the specific dynamics i end up in the gutter, but that's another story
about two and a half years ago, i started going out with a man who confessed his bisexuality to me after one week. i went to rahvin and wolfy for advice, and the guy was really annoyed by this, since he thought i was violating his privacy in a bad way. i never got around to deciding whether i really did something wrong in the situation, but i realize that i acted confusionally, driven by emotion as opposed to reason, and sure this was not bad. subsequently, he said that it was his fault, since he shouldn't have dropped on my shoulders such a weight without preparing me. now, i do not agree on this at all. if i don't know how to handle a new situation, it's because i lack the necessary culture, control and strategy; someone who does not talk to me about any issue because they recognize that i'm "not ready" should simply not go out with me, since that would make for a highly unbalanced relationship. i think that one should assume that their partner actually can understand; if one sees that this is not true (and the risk must be taken into account, but not translated in a negative straight away), either the issue is discussed or the person is dumped on account of being stupid. i think that the first should always preceed the second, since you never really know the difference between a misunderstanding and lack of sensitivity in someone you've not been knowing long. but if you assume either one and therefore shut up, what are you doing with that person, judging their maturity from a pedestal? silly.
in the other instance, far more recent, i was dumped on account of having mentioned my attraction towards a category of men that don't include my partner. most of you will have realized that i have a knack for powerful men 30 years older than me, and some of you will know from knowing me that this is nothing more than a fantasy world and that this would not jeopardize my relationship with someone who doesn't belong to this group. much as i wouldn't dump a boy if he has photographs of an actress in his room, since i know this is entirely platonic, and more fandom than love, i had no idea that someone could be so paranoid as to mistake this attitude with something that could sway me from a proper relationship. in this case, i couldn't even make my amends or explanations, since i wasn't allowed to. but, again, i don't regret having told the truth; i entrusted the person with my feelings and thoughts as they came, if he chose to barricade against them in lieu of asking questions and understanding that there was no danger to him it's decidedly better to have lost him. i wouldn't have felt honest in deciding exactly where and when to tell him - who am i to say?
all of this is not to indicate that you, rahvin, are a lying bubu; of course i appreciate your point in some cases, but i would love to hear a more detailed discussion of the problem.
h
Hiljainen
why can't we not be sober
@rahve: I know, in one case revealing the truth had the risk of hurting me deeply, which it did. To be honest, i'm glad the truth was revealed to me at this point and not earlier, because it could have literally killed me some months ago (even tho i doubt the "sinner" knew this)..
Still, the "why" some actions were then taken, is stinging my brain.
In the other case, it was the choice between heaven and hell, heaven being an honest relationship with no more lies, and hell being the breaking of the relationship/friendship because of it (and what is broken can't be whole). What was to be decided was whether the heaven was valuable and wanted enough to go through the risk of hell, since we didn't know each other for long (and of course this kind of truth can't be revealed to any random person one meets along his way).
All in all, i have mixed feelings: i'm grateful for being told the truth and i appreciate it, along with the reasons that drove those people to hide/reveal the truth to me, but i'm angry for being told lies (esp the kind that tries to bury the truth deeper down), when some of them could have been avoided in order to protect me and even prepare me/keep me closer to the truth.
Siren (Is there ever time for answers when the world comes tumbling down?)
PS: At least the whole situation resulted in me finding a shelter in DT lyrics.
Still, the "why" some actions were then taken, is stinging my brain.
In the other case, it was the choice between heaven and hell, heaven being an honest relationship with no more lies, and hell being the breaking of the relationship/friendship because of it (and what is broken can't be whole). What was to be decided was whether the heaven was valuable and wanted enough to go through the risk of hell, since we didn't know each other for long (and of course this kind of truth can't be revealed to any random person one meets along his way).
All in all, i have mixed feelings: i'm grateful for being told the truth and i appreciate it, along with the reasons that drove those people to hide/reveal the truth to me, but i'm angry for being told lies (esp the kind that tries to bury the truth deeper down), when some of them could have been avoided in order to protect me and even prepare me/keep me closer to the truth.
Siren (Is there ever time for answers when the world comes tumbling down?)
PS: At least the whole situation resulted in me finding a shelter in DT lyrics.
rahvin
keeper of the flame
@siren; @hyena: i'll get deeper in the conversation as soon as ultimatemetal's page opens on my office pc in addition to every other pc in this damned library.
rahvin.
rahvin.
Dark_Jester
Unrepentant sentient
Twould seem to me that a tale is always skewed in the telling...guess my motto is tell no tales.
rahvin
keeper of the flame
if i may say so, i think tales are for the telling. and whenever someone's got some details wrong it might just be possible that someone else can correct the occasional mistake via better knowledge, be it publicly or in private.
rahvin. (thin ice pro)
rahvin. (thin ice pro)
Dark_Jester
Unrepentant sentient
well, democracy (which is cool) says: if one says something another says is wrong, they can say something else to confute. if i didn't want to be open to question i wouldn't voice my opinions in public. rahvin is, as always, right, and silence equals consent.
h
h
Dark_Jester
Unrepentant sentient
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