Expanding my musical horizons

I'm sure LifeSucks has heard (and loves) Void of Silence

have you heard Fen, LS? Fen is a black metal band very much similar to Agalloch, Negura Bunget and Enslaved. definitely worth a look
I haven't heard Fen. I have heard Void of Silence. They are great, but they are most definitely an extreme metal band, so I'm not expanding my horizons at all by listening to them.
 
This no-girly-lyrics shit makes you seem incredibly faux-macho like, and I'm sensing gay vibes as a result.
Gay vibes? lol I'm straight, and let's just say that I'm not one of those guys that doesn't get any chicks. I just dislike girly lyrics for some reason, and the lack of girly lyrics is just one of the things I like about extreme metal.
 
Dead Can Dance
Seconded. Especially "Within The Realm Of A Dying Sun" might be a good starting point. Also Lisa Gerrard's "The Mirror Pool". Since Lisa usually sings just sounds and not real lyrics, there's no need to worry about "girly" lyrics.

In college, I had a roommate who liked 70s rock, and he had some instrumental stuff I dug, like Guru Guru and Mahavishu Orchestra. If anyone knows of any instrumental or no-girly-lyrics 70s prog, let me know.

70s prog with "no-girly-lyrics":
Nektar - "Journey To The Centre Of The Eye"

Another two albums (both released in the 90s) I'd like to recommend, which are a bit difficult to classify (not prog, but not simple rock/pop either) are:

Kari Bremnes - "Løsrivelse"
The lyrics of this album are poems in prose by Edvard Munch, according to which he painted some of his most famous paintings. (You might have heard of "The Scream".) Some songs might qualify as upbeat, but check the samples of "Syk pike" ("Sick Girl" - it's about Munch's sister when she was dying), "Skrik" ("Scream"), "Madonna", "Aske" ("Ashes"), "Sjalusi" ("Jealousy"), "Melankoli" ("Melancholy") and "Angst".

As far as the mood of the songs is concerned you might also like at least the first and the last song ("Sangen om fyret ved Tornehamn" and "Sangen om ka ho Anna drømte om") from this album. Actually, the lyrics of the entire album tell a rather sad story, but judging by the criteria concerning the music you stated in your first post, I don't think you'll like all the songs. (Well, maybe you don't even like the two I mentioned.)

Lill Lindfors - "Ett liv"
The lyrics are poems by the Finnish poet Edith Södergran (who led a rather short and not very happy life). I'm not sure you'll like all the songs, but try the samples of "Månen" ("The Moon"), "Mitt liv, min död och mitt öde" ("My Life, My Death And My Fate"), "Kyrkogårdsfantasi" ("Cemetary Fantasy"), "Jag sag ett träd..." ("I Saw A Tree...") and "Ankomst till Hades" ("Arrival In Hades").

np: Ava Inferi - "Pulse Of The Earth"
 
I think stuff like Dead Can Dance and Elend would fit your criteria perfectly. Somebody mentioned Swans; DEFINITELY check them out. Also, Tangerine Dream. You might also want to get into some of the more difficult dark ambient stuff at some point. For instance, Lustmord. I don't think you'd really like Lustmord until you've gotten really used to ambient music in general. Maybe something like Raison d'etre would be a better place to start.

Also, there's plenty of very dark classical music you could appreciate. I can't be fucked to list any right now.
 
Harmaa (not sure what to consider them exactly but they have some particularly dark material)
Sleepytime Gorilla Museum (prog-rock/metal with elements of dark folk and RIO)
Earth (drone-rock or whatever you want to call it)
Scott Walker (Most likely not up your ally but his album, The Drift is creepy as hell)
 
3. no fucking girly lyrics. maybe if the band has one or two such songs it's ok, but I fucking hate bands where the primary subject matter is girls/sex/relationships. on a similar note, i realize i do like a lot of instrumental music, so such suggestions are welcome.
This rule is probably why you don't have a very broad musical spectrum. If you don't like the lyrics just enjoy the music, at least.
 
Yes, I am well aware that number three takes out a lot of non-metal, but it is a VERY important part of my request. I'm looking for bands that meet the criteria I stated. I knew this wasn't going to be an easy request. Yes, I am looking for non metal, since I don't listen to any non metal at all. Non metal WITH NO GIRLS/RELATIONSHIPS LYRICS is great, if you know of any.

Try Animal Collective. They have super surreal lyrics.

I'm heavily into the post-rock scene (but some of it crosses into indie which I'm not a big fan of).

Check these bands out:

Red Sparowes
Pelican
Godspeed You! Black Emperor
Hella
Don Cabellero
Jaga Jazzist
Maudlin of the Well
Mono

...some of those bands may be too "happy" sounding for your tastes but most of those bands are instrumental and make very epic and atmospheric music.

Dont forget Russian Circles.
 
Well I don't have any non-metal reccomendations, but one metal band you might want to check out is Evergrey. They're a really awesome prog/power metal band, and with a very dark atmosphere to their songs.
If you do check them out, I'd reccomend to start off with the album Recreation Day.
 
It is part of the reason. But it is kind of strange that it seems that almost all non metal has girly lyrics.
Not really. There are also many bands that don't sing in English ; what you don't understand, won't offend you, I think. Hell, there are some acts that sing in complete gibberish and manage to write compelling music.
I'm not recommending anything, just saying.You've got a lot of stuff to sift through already.
 
Probably not your cup of tea due to the the dislike for blues or jazz stuff, but Portishead are gloomy. All the time.

[ame]http://youtube.com/watch?v=Vg1jyL3cr60[/ame]