How many "OOPS I just cut my own dick off" news stories can you find?

Whoa, I found something interesting:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/3128753.stm

Penis is a competitive beast

Scientists believe the shape of the penis may have evolved to help men remove the semen of love rivals during sex.

Tests led a team of US researchers, headed by Professor Gordon Gallup, to conclude that the penis acts as a "semen displacement device" and its shape has evolved in part to displace another man's semen.

The team from the State University of New York believe the thrust of the penis during sex may help to clear a woman's reproductive system of a previous lover's semen.

They tested their theory in experiments using latex phalluses, an artificial vagina and a mixture of starch and water.

New Scientist magazine reports they found the coronal ridge of the penis, found where the glans, or head, meets the shaft, could scoop out more than 90% of the cornstarch mixture with just one thrust.

A phallus with no coronal ridge only managed to remove 35%.

They found the depth of thrusting was also important. A three-quarter thrust was found to clear out less than 40% of the viscous mixture.

Sex survey

They also say they have evidence, from surveys of students, to indicate that sex tends to be more energetic if the women is suspected of cheating, or if the couple has been apart - suggesting a sub-conscious desire on the part of the man to rid his partner of any trace of another's semen.

Lead researcher Professor Gordon Gallup told BBC News Online: "We theorize that as a consequence of competition for paternity, human males evolved uniquely configured penises that function to displace semen from the female vagina left by other males.

"Thus, the human penis may enable males to substitute their semen for the semen of their competitors.

"Not only did we obtain data derived from artificial genital models that were consistent with this hypothesis, but we also found that under conditions that raise the threat of female infidelity, college students reported changes in sexual behavior that would serve to purge the vagina of foreign semen prior to ejaculation."

'Far fetched' theory

Mr Derek Machin, a urologist at University Hospital, Aintree, said the theory seemed "far fetched".

"The research might very well be accurate, but I'm not convinced that just because the penis does something like this it was necessarily designed to have that effect."

Dr Colm O'Mahony, chairman of the UK Association for Genito-Urinary Medicine, said the theory seemed flawed.

"If the man continues to thrust after ejaculation he would simply be scooping out his own semen.

"Also does the sexual position matter - I imagine gravity has some role here. Maybe those missionaries knew something about position after all?"

The research is published in the journal Evolution and Human Behaviour.
I know whenever I get laid I thrust extra hard to make sure no competitor's semen is up in there!

Also, found two more stories of the self-penis cutting variety:
http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/entertainment/2982004.htm
http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_822069.html?menu=news.latestheadlines
 
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Read this book and call me in the morning. Although I actually read that one months ago, I'm reading this one currently:

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It's not as good, but just as disturbing. Shit's fucked up.
 
I suppose some scientists can't get laid so they have to think up these things to allow certain kinds of experimentation.... all in the name of science of course.

Either that or they're bored as fuck.
 
If I ever get bored enough to cut my dick off, I hope I cut my head (the upper one) off first.

WITHOUT ME, MY DICK IS USELESS
WITH MY DICK, I AM USELESS
 
NicodemiX said:
I suppose some scientists can't get laid so they have to think up these things to allow certain kinds of experimentation.... all in the name of science of course.
hmm something seems to be wrong with the rubber vagina oh but it's time to go home for the day wellwell i might as well examine it at home
 
okay, here we go. most AMAZING part in red.

Police shocked by a castration that went awry

Birmingham man sought out surgery

June 12, 2002

BY JOHN MASSON AND AMY KLEIN
FREE PRESS STAFF WRITERS

It wasin his low-slung Oak Park home, he told police, that he quietly performed a castration on a man who contacted him through the Internet.

The 29-year-old Taiwanese national told police he had performed about 50 castrations before his kitchen-table operation on a 48-year-old Birmingham man went wrong.

Now, police are trying to figure out whether a crime was committed.

The man, who said he performed castrations both here and in his previous home in Australia, told police Saturday he had finished the procedure and the two men were enjoying a postoperative piece of pie when the Birmingham man started laughing.

Then he started bleeding.

The men couldn't stanch the flow. At about 5 a.m. the newly castrated man stepped out to the street. Someone called police, who found him sitting on the curb in a pair of blood-soaked blue jeans.

He said he'd been voluntarily castrated a couple of hours earlier in the nearby ranch house.

Inside, police found two human testicles in a container in the refrigerator.

"I can't even imagine this," said Lt. Bruce Smith, head of the Oak Park Public Safety Department's detective bureau. "It's bewildering to me."

Investigators aren't releasing either man's name until they sort out whether a crime was committed. Likewise, investigators don't know why the Birmingham man went under the knife.

Criminal or not, home castration is not unheard of.

Several Web sites are devoted to the subject, which some men pursue for erotic reasons. The Birmingham man gave investigators the name of one such Web site.

Dr. Jonathan Metzl, a professor in psychiatry and women's studies at the University of Michigan, said the desire to be castrated could stem from a number of psychiatric disorders.

People who suffer from gender identity disorder feel they are living in the body of the wrong sex and are disgusted by their own genitals, Metzl said. Or, a man with an obsessive-compulsive disorder could feel that his genitals are dirty, he said.

"This is very rare," Metzl said. "The fear of castration is much more prevalent than actual castration."

Self-castrations tend to be more common than leaving the job to someone else, said Dr. Dana Ohl, a urologist at the U-M Medical Center who has operated on botched amateur castrations.

"Usually, when these people just chop their own testicle off, they don't pay attention to the blood supply," he said.

The Birmingham man is out of the hospital and recovering after several hours of emergency surgery Saturday morning. The would-be surgeon, who overstayed his visa, has been released as the investigation continues.

"We may not be able to prosecute this guy," Smith said.

Legally, according to Jim Halushka of the Oakland County Prosecutor's Office, you can't commit a criminal assault on a consenting person.

But other legal options are being explored, Halushka said. Police found a bottle labeled "zylocaine" in the Oak Park house, which is being tested in case a prescription-drug law was violated.

Another possibility is a charge of practicing medicine without a license.

Either way, the would-be surgeon has overstayed a student visa by about a year, Halushka said, and that information has been turned over to the Immigration and Naturalization Service.

"This makes no sense," Halushka said. "This is just too weird."

.........................................................

I mean, WTF...

Dr. Balls: okay, I'm done, I've lopped off yer balls...
Patient: haha woooooo hey, I feel great!
Both: hahahahaha wooooooooooooo
Dr. Balls: wow, surgery always gives me an appetite...care for a nice piece of pie?
Patient: sure! make it ala mode!
Dr. Balls: hahaha you've got it!
Patient: hey, I'm hemmoraging!
Dr. Balls: hahahahaha~
 
A testament to the power of love, which is exceeded only by the magnitude of human stupidity...

Man plans to marry woman who ripped off one of his testicles

A man plans to marry the woman who was jailed for ripping off one of his testicles.

Aretha Oneal pleaded guilty to using her fingernails to rip off the testicle in an attack last year.

Her victim, Dennis Ross, took the testicle to the local hospital in Nashville, Tennessee, where it was successfully re-attached.

According to The Tennessean Oneal was sentenced to 81 days.

She will be eligible for early release if she completes a 45-day counselling programme that deals with issues such as anger management.

Mr Ross, 38, told the paper that he continued to live with Oneal at an address in Nashville after the incident in June last year.

He plans to marry Oneal after she is released.

''I love that girl,'' Mr Ross said. ''That's my heart, my soul, and that's my better half. I told the (District Attorney) the other day I'm not prosecuting her.''

But the Davidson County district attorney's office still decided to bring the case to court.

Oneal attacked Ross on June 16, 2001, as he slept in his bed. The Tennessean reports that the couple had argued after Ross returned home after having sex with another woman.
 
Testicali Blues

Lyrics: John Barlow/R. Burr
Music: Bob Weir

Layin' back in an old saloon, with a peso in my hand
Watching flies and children on the street
And I catch a glimpse of black-eyed girls who giggle when I smile
There's a little boy that wants to shine my feet
And it's three days ride from Bakersfield
And I don't know why I came
I guess I came to keep from payin' dues
So instead I've got a bottle and a girl who's just fourteen
And a damned good case of the Testicali blues

Chorus
Is there anything a man don't stand to lose
When the devil wants to take your balls away
Keep one hand on your balls and keep a tight grip on your booze
'Cause thinking and drinking are all I have today

She said her name was Billie Jean and she was fresh in town
I didn't know her stage-line ran from hell
She had raven hair, a ruffled dress, a necklace made of gold
And all the french perfume you'd care to smell
She took me up in to her room and whispered in my ear
Go on my friend, do anything you choose
Now I'm payin' for those happy hours I spent there in her arms
With one ball left and the Testicali blues

[chorus]

And then a man rode in to town, some thought he was the law
Billie Jean was waiting when he came
She told me he would take her if I didn't use my gun
And I'd have no one but myself to blame
I went down to those dusty streets, blood was on my mind
I guess that stranger hadn't heard the news
'Cause I shot first and killed him, Lord he didn't even draw
And he made me trade the gallows for the Testicali blues

Is there anything a man don't stand to lose
When he lets a woman hold him in her hands
You just might find yourself out there on horseback in the dark
Just riding and running across those desert sands
 
Boy's drive steers attention
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
By John Agar
The Grand Rapids Press

SAND LAKE -- After losing his video games as a punishment, 4-year-old Adrian Cole woke in the middle of the night, determined to replace them.

He dressed, put on his winter coat and boots and climbed on a lounge chair to reach keys on the wall and unlock the dead-bolt.

Then Adrian got into his mother's 1990 Geo Prizm and drove to Home Video, a quarter-mile up Northland Drive, the main drag through Sand Lake. It was closed at 1:30 a.m. Friday, so he started back home.
From Our Advertiser





That's when Sand Lake police officers Bill Bogner and Jay Osga spotted the slow-moving car, without lights on, weaving over curbs and plowing through snow banks. They figured the driver was drunk, or suffering a medical problem, as they followed the car to an apartment complex. They blocked in the car before the driver put it in reverse and hit the gas, crashing into the police cruiser.

"You're thinking worst-case scenario, especially after somebody backs into our car, with the lights flashing," Bogner said Monday. "We're hollering to put his hands up, then we see it's a 4-year-old boy, and pulled him out of there."

The boy was hysterical, but the officers calmed him down.

It could be some time before the small town in northern Kent County can say the same.

The case of the 4-year-old driver has drawn national attention, with Osga and police Chief Doug Heugel interviewed on ABC's "Good Morning America," and getting reporters' calls from as far away as San Diego and New York. Even Jay Leno called the chief of the small-town police department.

"I'm very surprised how much attention we've gotten over this," Village President Nile Hayden said.

"Everyone knows about it -- it's nationwide," said the boy's aunt, who didn't want her name used.

The attention has been overwhelming for the boy's mother, Martina Cole, whose apartment complex is off Northland.

"(Media) won't leave her alone. They're not giving her any space," the aunt said, outside of Cole's apartment. Cole could not be reached for comment, and the aunt said she did not want to be interviewed.

Many wondered exactly how the small boy was able to drive the car. Police said he pushed the gas pedal to get started, then cruised at 7 mph on a high idle. He had tried to drive before, but his mom caught him. She had let him steer from her lap, and he knew how to work the gear shift.

Adrian is a bright boy, but really no different from any other child his age, his family said.

At Home Video, Jannie Ross thought she would offer the "real good-natured" boy free videos -- as long as he didn't drive himself to the store.

"That little man wanted a video, didn't he?" she said, smiling. "Bless his heart, nobody got hurt. It's a giggle all over town."

She recalled that her son, Derald, drove a 125 cc motorcycle at age 3. An older cousin put him on the bike, and caught him before he fell. But she could not imagine a 4-year-old driving on his own.

"You've got to figure the little kid must have a high IQ."

On a gray, rainy day, it gave everyone in town something to talk about, said Ron Griffee, 19, who works at the Sand Lake Party Store.

He thought it was a misprint when he heard about a 4-year-old driving. Maybe a 14-year-old. Then he saw the chief on national television.

"Think about a 4-year-old, is what, 3-feet tall?"

Heugel, the chief, said no citations were issued by the Sand Lake Police Department. Kent County sheriff's deputies took a crash report regarding the damaged Sand Lake cruiser because Heugel didn't want a conflict of interest.

It was fortunate no one was hurt, police said. Vehicles often travel 50 mph along Northland. Drivers wouldn't have seen the boy's car.

Police said the car the boy was driving was not insured. Neither were the two other vehicles he hit.

# Press writer Nate Reens contributed to this story.


O.K it isn't a penis chopping story. But I didn't want to give it it's own thread.
 
I couldn't find this story on the internet. But last night I was listening to the McDonald-Douglas show on ESPN. They had a story coming out of England, where a man claimed he would chop off his own balls if England beat Wales for the soccer championship. Low and behold...his team WON! He left the bar, came back with his severed balls in his hand and flopped them up on the table.