faelivrin:
First: don't be sorry.... If you are who you are and you say what you mean/think/want etc; don't say sorry. Who am I to judge you?
I don't know you, you look pretty young to me. You are a creative person I think and you can communicate good with other people. You write, draw listen to music. That's a blessing.... So many people cannot do what you do.
You look like a colourful person to me. (first impression) I think you are just on your way finding your reason to live. You look strong to me and I think you will find it. It's keeping you busy.
You may not find it now, but you WANT to and that's a very big start.
But hey, who am I?