Lyrics

[Ozzloaf]

Hey,
I already posted this in the Kat. forum but that forum gets very little activity so I thought I'd post it here.
I wrote this lyric today and I'd like some feedback on it. What do you think?

Cessation

I take one step
And weigh the odds
Follow my prints
As I am lost
I’m lost within
This tainted, foul
Soliloquy

I’m sick of this
Of this madness,
And loneliness
Sick of this vile,
That bubbles from
This retched and
Fetid miasma

I long for closure
For departure
From this twisted
And dismal world
I take this step
My final step
For cessation​

My voice sounds a little like Jonas Rensky's btw.

Jake

 

[Ozzloaf]

I edited it a tiny, tiny bit.

 

[αlphaWhore]

It's good. I like it.

The inclusion of a 'strange' word ath the end of every verse and the non-rhyming seemed a bit forced imo but still, very good.

 

[applestuddel]

^
I usually find rhyming lyrics to be more forced than non-rhyming lyrics. I see some rhymes and semi-rhymes in those lyrics but they seem pretty natural and doesn't follow some rigid rhyme structure.

What type of music would accompany these lyrics, by the way? You mentionied Jonas Renske so I'm picturing these lyrics with Katatonia's music. The second verse sounds pretty generic, and I don't know how you would say "bubbles" in a song like this. But it all depends on the vocal delivery and music behind it I guess. Half the meaning is in how the lyrics are sung anyway. In a Katatonia type song anyway, I feel the singing / lyrics just help establish mood and general meaning for the song. Not really for close inspection of subtext and whatnot.

Imagining these lyrics played with Katatonia's music, it sounds pretty good. I still don't like the second verse tho.

 

[Seanindarkness]

^
I usually find rhyming lyrics to be more forced than non-rhyming lyrics. I see some rhymes and semi-rhymes in those lyrics but they seem pretty natural and doesn't follow some rigid rhyme structure.

What type of music would accompany these lyrics, by the way? You mentioned Jonas Renske so I'm picturing these lyrics with Katatonia's music. The second verse sounds pretty generic, and I don't know how you would say "bubbles" in a song like this. But it all depends on the vocal delivery and music behind it I guess. Half the meaning is in how the lyrics are sung anyway. In a Katatonia type song anyway, I feel the singing / lyrics just help establish mood and general meaning for the song. Not really for close inspection of subtext and whatnot.

Imagining these lyrics played with Katatonia's music, it sounds pretty good. I still don't like the second verse tho.

Agreed.
I think your lyrics would benefit from concrete imagery, just don't put anything like "Slime as big as pies" in there.

 

[Ozzloaf]

Thanks for all of the critiques guys!

An explanation:

"I take one step"

A man (the narrator) is walking towards the edge of a building, a bridge, or a cliff (... you get the point) in the final moments of his life.

"And weigh the odds"

He considers which is worse, to suffer more of life's hardships, or to have none yet never again feel the goodness of life.

"Follow my prints
As I am lost
I’m lost within
This tainted, foul
Soliloquy "

If written normally it would say, "I follow my footprints as I am lost within this tainted and foul soliloquy." It's a metaphor for life. His life is lost and life is the tainted soliloquy. A soliloquy is a monologue... or rather someone talking to themselves. So essentially, he is saying (metaphorically) that he is trapped within someones disturbed, mad uttering.

"I’m sick of this
Of this madness,
And loneliness"

... pretty self explanatory.

"Sick of this vile,
That bubbles from
This wretched and
Fetid miasma "

Would read, "I'm sick of this vile that bubbles from this wretched and fetid miasma." Another metaphor for his life. A miasma is a dangerous, foreboding, or deathlike influence or atmosphere. The word is often used to describe pollution. The filth that bubbles from the miasma (as I've heard it used as a simile in a book I read: "patches" of evil that come from the miasma like bubbles in a swamp.) is the negativity and evilness of life.

"I long for closure
For departure
From this twisted
And dismal world"

He wants to be rid of all of the negativity. He wants to die essentially ("For departure").

"I take this step
My final step
For cessation"

Cessation is an ending or stopping. He takes his final step... off of the building. And ends.

Jake