Hey man - listened through to this - I didn't know this song before I saw this post but I did listen to the original after I listened to yours.
-- Compared to the original, I would say there is more punch to your mix, HOWEVER, the tonal balance between the guitars/bass/drums just doesn't sit the way theirs does. When you listen to the original, it's like the drums and guitars are literally in tune with each other. I'm not talking about timing / quantizing, etc, but I'm talking about the tonal characteristics. If you could figure this out, it would be a huge step in the right direction.
-- The drums at about 1:18 are all over the place. Sounds fake... because it is fake... but still, I would do something to the toms (sound like they are the next room over), and if you're going to use a bunch of reverb I would maybe even suggest making them very upfront for the "boom boom" parts. More of an artistic suggestion, but that stood out to me a lot. Compared to the original, it loses its effect big time.
-- The glitch guitar parts (?1:40) are really ineffective. Need to make this sound cooler.
I realize these things seem small in the grand scheme of a mix, but one of the best pieces of advice a producer ever told me was "what are you going to do to take this from "local act" to "national headlining act?"