I think many people get these e-mails that have jokes, or cute or funny stories forwarded to them. Yeah, some are funny and so forth, but mostly a waste of my time, so what few I get, I mostly delete. I actually read one that was sent to my stupidvisor though. He was reading it at work, and showed it to me. I thought it was funny enough to post here.
Taser trouble
Mar 15, 2006 Submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser.
The effects of the Taser were suppose to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short... I bought the device and brought it home, loaded 2
triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately I have to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with just two triple-a batteries,... right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (just for a second) and thought better if it. She is such a sweet cat.
If I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself, I
wanted some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst would cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly
make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any
burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
taser in another.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy-bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best.....I'm sitting alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as to say, "don't do it master." Reasoning that a one-second
burst from a tiny little thing couldn't hurt that bad.... I decided to
give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it
again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.SON-OF-A-...
that hurt!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure), I collected my wits (the
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading
glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get
there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles....and
offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Bryant
Taser trouble
Mar 15, 2006 Submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser.
The effects of the Taser were suppose to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short... I bought the device and brought it home, loaded 2
triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately I have to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with just two triple-a batteries,... right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (just for a second) and thought better if it. She is such a sweet cat.
If I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself, I
wanted some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst would cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly
make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any
burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
taser in another.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy-bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best.....I'm sitting alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to
one side as to say, "don't do it master." Reasoning that a one-second
burst from a tiny little thing couldn't hurt that bad.... I decided to
give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it
again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.SON-OF-A-...
that hurt!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure), I collected my wits (the
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading
glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get
there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles....and
offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Bryant
