Off-topic: Post your jokes here

[urinalcakemix]

this one's from middle school. heh. a while ago.
How do you get an elephant out of the fridge?

Take the "F" out of "way."

the other person is sposed to think about it for a while, then say "there's no effin' way!"
(no "F" in "way")

Drummer Joke Time!!!

There are 3 types of drummers. Those who can count, and those who can't.

What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
Drool.

Two drummers walk into a bar. ...which is kinda funny, cuz you would think the second one woulda seen the first one do it.

How do you confuse a drummer?
Put sheet music infront of him.
How do you stop a drummer?
Put notes on it.

A guy walks into a shop and says, "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?" The guy behind the counter looks at him with a blank stare and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?" The guy says, "Yeah, how'd you know?" The guy behind the counter says, "This is a travel agency."

What do you get if you cross a drummer with a gorrilla?
A really dumb gorrilla.

A mother asks her son what he wants to be when he grows up. The kid replies, "I want to be a drummer!". The mother then says, "Now son, you can't do both..."

and if you are in a symphonic concert band and dont like your director...
What's the difference between a bull and this band?
A bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
The knocking gets faster.

thats all for now.

I dont know whether to giggle, or groan because their all true....

3.1 GPA last year, hooray, im mediocre in high school!

 

[Beelzebub]

What has four sticks and half a brain?
Two drummers.

What do you say to a drummer who knocks on your door?
"How much for the pizza?"

What do you call a drummer who broke up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.

 

[dargormudshark]

A kid gets home from school and asks "Dad what is a vagina?"

The dad says "Well, before sex a vagina is like a beautiful unopened rose"

The kid asks "What does it look like after?"

Dad says "well son have you ever seen a Bulldog eating Mayonaise?"

 

[Beelzebub]

A dad was giving his son the puberty talk, and he says "son, if you masturbate too much you go blind" and the kid says "dad, I'm over here."

 

[Dobbit]

AH! AH! AH! I have a good one, Ready?!

Women's Rights!

 

[Liquid Shadow]

AH! AH! AH! I have a good one, Ready?!

Women's Rights!

True that. It's not like there's anything called affirmative action that is actually discriminatory towards males who might be more qualified than a less qualified woman applying for the same job or school.

ZING!

 

[SilentRealm]

all these terrible jokes about women and their body parts made me want to add this one i got from my roommate the other night:


A man was at a urinal doing his business when a second man walks in. The first man notices the second man wearing a long trench coat and appeared to have no arms.

When the second man reached the urinal, he turned to the first and said "please sir can you help me do my business?" The first man, not wishing to offend the second by asking about his arms, obliged and pulled out the most disgusting penis he had ever seen. It had warts, boils, sores, and things unmentionable all over it.

When they were finished, and it was all tucked away again, curiosity got the better of the first man and he had to ask.."mate, what happened to your dick?" and with that, the second man pulled his hands out of his pockets and said "I dunno, but I aint touching it"..

 

[Taliwakker]

Here is another joke taking place at the urinals.

There are two guys standing next to each other at the pisser. One man was normal height and the second guy was really really short. The taller of the two couldn't help but sneak a peek at what the short guy was packing (if anything) in the trouser dept.
He looked down and was astonished at the massive appendage swinging between the short guy's legs...he let out a gasp that caught the short guy's attention.

The little guy looked up at his urinal neighbour and smiled..."its big isn't it"

"How the hell did a little guy like you get such a big dick?" asked tall guy.

"I'm actually one of Santa's little helpers....and at the end of each Christmas season Santa grants us all one wish.....and your looking at last years wish buddy" said the short ass.

"I've got to say, that is so impressive...i'd love to be that large downstairs....is there any chance that you could introduce me to Santa and maybe i could get a job helping him next year" asked the tall guy.

"Look mate....its a pretty cushy job and there are lots of people who would love to do it because of the fringe benefits...so if you want an introduction you are gonna have me a primo blowjob" replied the little fella.

The tall guy thought about it for a minute and then after weighing up the pros and cons decided he would blow the little guy.

A few minutes later it was all over and done with. The tall guy did his best to wash his mouth and then he turned to the short guy and asked him when he could organise a meeting with Mr Clause.

The little guy zipped up his pants and said " Jeez mate.....aren't you a bit old to still believe in Santa"

 

[Beelzebub]

There was another joke similar to that one, Tali

A husband and wife came back to their house from vacation, and they are shocked to find their favorite vase broken on the floor, and a man standing there. The wife is about to call the cops when the man says "No, I'm a genie and I came from that vase. I can grant each of you one wish and I will have my own, which makes for three wishes"

The wife says "I want a mansion in every country" and the genie says "done"

The husband says "I want $1 million every day for the rest of my life" and the genie says "done"

The genie says "My wish is to have my way with your wife" and the husband says "Hey, you're giving me $1 million every day, do your thing"

The genie and the wife are getting it on and the genie says "how old is your husband?" the wife says "42" and he says "He's 42 and he still believes in genies?"

 

[progryche]

Well, I have found a lot of youngsters to be extremely funny, when talking about Nirvana - most of them actually believe that Kurt Cobain was a descent guitarplayer.

 

[ElPredicador]

A boy goes into the kitchen and says:
-Mom, would you give me a cooky??
Mom replies:
-Well, take one if you want
-But mom, I have no arms!!
-Well, no arms, no cooky!

 

[Thraxz]

A boy goes into the kitchen and says:
-Mom, would you give me a cooky??
Mom replies:
-Well, take one if you want
-But mom, I have no arms!!
-Well, no arms, no cooky!

HUH?

 

[Beelzebub]

He has no arms so he can't cook(y)

 

[Thraxz]

No offense, but that was what I thought the punch line was. It was so horrible I thought I was missing something. Guess not.

 

[Beelzebub]

I know what you mean. I thought my jokes sucked...

 

[SilentRealm]

i get the punchline of the cookie one, but thats got to be the worst joke ever lol.

Here's one I posted on my forum when it was up that I got from a friend of mine, so Amanda and Tali may (Tali definately does) know it already.. but I just love it, it's one of my favourite jokes ever so I have to post again.

Tom had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there was a huge, bearded man standing there,

"Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come... about 5:00."

"Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you!"

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you ... There's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Tom says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Lars turns from the door. "More 'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

 

[Beelzebub]

My favorite joke that never fails:

What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?
Nacho cheese.

 

[Jax]

My favorite joke that never fails:

What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?
Nacho cheese.

*groan*

 

[Medusa's eyes]

Pity I'm only good for the dutch jokes.

 

[Yngvai X]

hehe, Ive got a few. Some of my personal favorites are "Confucius says" jokes, because of the horrible horrible puns .

Confucius says:

"man who stand on toilet is high on pot."

"man who run in front of car get tired"

"man who run behind car get exhausted"

"man who go through airport turnstile wrong way going to Bangkok"

"man who eat too many prunes get good run for his money"

"secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on desk"

"panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth"

"virginity like bubble; one prick, all gone"

"penis in vaccuum cleaner get sucked off"

"man who pull out too fast leave rubber"

"man who sit on tack get point"

"man who drive like hell going to get there"

"man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day"

"elevator smell different to midget"

"man who fish in other man's well catch crabs"

and my favorite:

"baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk"