Off-topic: Post your jokes here

This joke is kind of wrong :)

A guy is driving along a hilly back road when he notices up ahead that there is a young boy standing at a bend in the road. As he pulls closer he notices the boy is crying, so he stops the car and gets out to see whats going on.

"whats wrong little guy?" he asked the kid.

The kid points down the hill. At the bottom of the hill there is a smouldering wreck of a car.
"My whole family is dead" the child whimpered, "The brakes failed and dad couldn't control the car....i jumped out just in time but mum,dad and my two sisters couldn't get out."

The guy puts his arm around the crying child and leads him to his car.
They both get in and the guy starts the car and they start to drive off.
About 5 minutes down the road the guy pulls off to the side of the road and starts unzipping his pants.
"Whats happening asked the child?"

"This just isn't your lucky day is it kid" the guy replies.
 
4 guys walk into a bar, the fifth one ducks.

What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry?
"If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!"

What do you call Magic Johnson in a wheelchair?
Roll Aids
 
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this
afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
 
rockmanxpr said:
OK back to bad beef jokes:
What do you call a lonely Bull? Beef Stroganoff.
Click to expand...

BAHAHAHAHA... it took me a little while to get that one

More lightbulb jokes:

How many Polish people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
100; one to hold the bulb and 99 to turn the house around

How many Harvard graduates does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One; he holds it and waits for the world to revolve around him

How does a Jewish-American Princess screw in a lightbulb?
She gets on her cell phone and says "Daddy, I need a new apartment"

How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one, they all know how to screw up
 
Decent Jokes:

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."



Two male buddies were walking through the woods when out of no where, a poisonous snake came and bit one of the men in the penis! The man collapsed to the ground while his friend ran to town to get help. The man arrived at a doctor's office and said help, help, my friend was bit by a snake in the penis. The doctor remarked that he couldn't get all his tools to the woods in time to save the friend, so he told him that he would have to suck the venom out of his friend! There has got to be another way said the man and the doctor sighed no I am sorry! The man ran back to the woods and found his poor friends lying on the floor in allot of pain! The man on the floor cried, what did the doctor say? The friend said, he said you're going to die.



Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted.



A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. what happened to your other ear?" "The son of a bitch called back."



A man goes into a repair shop to get his watch fixed. But when he sees that the girl running the store is extremely hot, he unzips his pants and lays his johnson on the counter.

Sir, what are you doing? This is a clock shop! the shocked girl shouts.

I know, he replies. I'd like to get a pair of hands and a face put on this.
 
A chicken and a horse were walking around on the farm they lived on, when the horse got stuck in quicksand. The chicken ran back and revved up the farmer's Mercedes-Benz and drove to pick up the horse. The horse is saved, all is well.

The next day, the animals are walking and the chicken gets stuck in quicksand. The horse says "here, grab my thing" and the chicken does, and gets pulled out of the quicksand and is saved.

The moral of the story? If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
 
Beelzebub said:
A chicken and a horse were walking around on the farm they lived on, when the horse got stuck in quicksand. The chicken ran back and revved up the farmer's Mercedes-Benz and drove to pick up the horse. The horse is saved, all is well.

The next day, the animals are walking and the chicken gets stuck in quicksand. The horse says "here, grab my thing" and the chicken does, and gets pulled out of the quicksand and is saved.

The moral of the story? If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
Click to expand...

"Hur hur hur"

I think these are helarious...

Vampire Bat:
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood. Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. Good" said the first bat, "because I fuckin' didn't!"



Mafia:
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were "protecting." Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector.

The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.

The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"

The deaf man replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "Now ask him where the money is!"

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."

The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."
 
3 guys are in a hot tub.

Guy #1 says "Excuse me, I have a call," and punches a button on his wristwatch and starts talking.

Guy #2 says "Oh, I'm getting a call, too," and taps his temple and starts talking on a headset that is implanted in his ear.

Guy #3 starts feeling really inferior so he gets up and goes to the bathroom. He comes back with a trail of toilet paper coming from his butt and the other two guys are like "dude, what's that coming out of your ass?" and Guy #3 says "Sorry, I had a fax."
 
Beelzebub said:
3 guys are in a hot tub.

Guy #1 says "Excuse me, I have a call," and punches a button on his wristwatch and starts talking.

Guy #2 says "Oh, I'm getting a call, too," and taps his temple and starts talking on a headset that is implanted in his ear.

Guy #3 starts feeling really inferior so he gets up and goes to the bathroom. He comes back with a trail of toilet paper coming from his butt and the other two guys are like "dude, what's that coming out of your ass?" and Guy #3 says "Sorry, I had a fax."
Click to expand...
I heard that one a couple of days ago and it was _so_ funny.... :loco: :loco: :loco:
 
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