Official Joke/funny Quote Thread.

In an effort to determine the top crime fighting
agency in the country, the president narrowed
the field to three finalist, the CIA, the FBI, and
the Chicago Police.

The three remaining contenders were given the
task of catching a rabbit which was released into
the forest.

The CIA went into the forest. They placed animal
informants throughout and questioned all plant
and mineral witnesses. After three months of
extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits
do not exist.

The FBI went into the forest. After two weeks
without a capture, they burned the forest killing
everything in it, including the rabbit. They made
no apologies. The rabbit deserved it.

The CPD went into the forest. They came out two
hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear was
yelling, "Okay, Okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit".



Chicago kicks ass
 
Jockthrax said:
Paddy: Mick me old mate can you name a bird that cant fly?
Mick: What about that bird from Holby City....

(this may be a bit of a UK only joke)
Click to expand...

I do believe you are correct
 
I have no idea what a Robbie Williams is


A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs
a handsaw. He sees another man on the 1st floor and yells
down to him. The man on the first floor can hear him but
not understand what he's saying. So he decides to try
some sign language.

He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning
"need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw
motion.

The man on the 1st floor knods his head, pulls down his
pants, and starts masturbating.

The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down
to the 1st floor and says," What the fuck is wrong with
you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!"

The other guy says," I knew that, I was just trying to
tell you I'm coming."
 
A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a
shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He
yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"

She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"

The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee
and finally makes a raking motion.

The wife not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his
gestures.

The wife replies that she understands and signals back.
She first points to her eye, next she points to her left
breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her
crotch.

Well there is no way in hell the man can even come close
on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her,
"What in the friggin hell was that?"

She replies, "EYE--LEFT TIT -- BEHIND -- THE BUSH!"



Sign language is fun
 
A young man joined the Army and signed up to be a paratrooper.

After weeks of training the young got to jump out of his first plane.

The man watched people ahead of him go and when it was his
turn to jump he got scared and sat back down. The troop leader
said to the young man, "IF YOU DON''T JUMP OUT OF THIS
PLANE I'LL STICK MY DICK UP YOUR ASS!"

A few weeks later the young man returned home and told his
father what happened and he said, "did you jump?"

The boy said, "A little at first!"
 
A man walks into a bar to find an apparant construction worker sobbing endlessly. Upon sitting at the bar the man asked the construction worker what was wrong to make him cry so bad.

"Well", said the construction worker "See those roads outside? I built 'em w/ my bare hands. Do they call me Bob the road Builder? No."

The man continued.

"You see all those beautiful houses? I built 'em all. Do they call me Bob The House Bulder? No."

Sobbing the man continues...

"You see this damn bar? I built it too. Do they call me Bob the Bar Builder? Hell No!"
" BUT YOU GO AND YOU FUCK ONE GOAT....."
 
A guy comes into a bar, sits down next to a beautiful lady, orders her and himself drinks. Then, he pulls out a frog from his pocket.
The lady apparently asks, what's that.
"You know," goes the guy. "This frog is trained to eat pussy. In fact, he even likes it."
The lady doesn't believe and calls him a liar. "Well, I'll show you." She is so curious so that she leads them to her place. She lays naked on her bed and the guy puts his frog between her legs. "Come on," he says.
The frog does nothing.
"Come on, you know how to do it," the guy encourages the frog.
The frog does nothing.
"Dammit," says the guy finally. "I'll show you for the last time!"
 
Recently, I was at a professional football game supporting my favorite team. My seat wasn't the greatest, so when I noticed a vacant seat on the fifty yard line and a few rows up, I headed towards it. I asked the man sitting next to it if the seat was taken. He replied, "No".
I started talking to the man and I learned he owned the seat I was in. He said, "My wife used to love to come to these games until she died."
"Why didn't you give this seat away to a friend?" I asked.
He replied, "Because they are all at her funeral."
 
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