whenharlequinsfall
Opethian
- Apr 23, 2006
- 240
- 0
- 16
HEY....HEY....HEY....just because i said this poem touched me like a priest touches altar-boys doesn't mean i don't enjoy it!!
Opeth inspired poem
- Thread starter Valefor
- Start date
HEY....HEY....HEY....just because i said this poem touched me like a priest touches altar-boys doesn't mean i don't enjoy it!!
It was at least an attempt at creativity...though I don't like the Opeth references very much. It seems to have some references to Dante's Inferno as well (frozen lake, shredding to pieces, etc.) which was pretty cool, even if it was coincidence or just my interpretation. It's cool to be inspired by a band or book or anything, but try to use those inspirations to create something original. A borrowed line or two can be used to great effect at times, unfortunately, your poem doesn't quite achieve that. Anyways, keep writing and you will get better.
welcome btw
welcome btw
Jesus Christ, people, offer some constructive criticism or just shut the fuck up. It's not like any of you could do better.
I thought the piece opened up nicely, with the coldness/death imagery, but it got really straightforward toward the end - 'I'm coming here to fulfill my purpose... some lake creature rips me apart... etc.' Not a whole lot of suspense, or sensory input, built up within the narration. And the repetition lines near the end didn't really do anything for me.
I'm a big fan of poems which are heavy in imagery, and also which keep a sense of mystery throughout the piece, leaving things open for interpretation and such. I think you've got some nice imagery in the piece that you could build upon, though a little too much obviousness in the narration of the story. I'm not so sure what the "well-deserved ending" was supposed to be, but I guess that could work in your favor.
Oh, and it would probly also help if you didn't switch back and forth between present and past tense so much.
Sorry if that was a little nitpicky for you - I just thought you might want to hear something besides "that was kinda nice" or "d00d ur pomz suck lol fag".
Thanks for the feedback, will try to work on it
zabu of nΩd
Free Insultation
- Feb 9, 2007
- 14,620
- 805
- 113
even if this wasnt a sad idea the poem pretty much fails miserably. my constructive criticism would be to read into how to write poetry before forming stanzas full of retarded sentences purely for the integration of as many words mikael has used in his lyrics as possible.
slayerized_metalhead
Member
Dude is this the first poem you've writtten............well if it is welldone. I'm sure Mike might have had some shit thrown at him when he wrote his first poem/lyrics, and look where he is now, he's a genius. So yeh definately keep workin on it man
BloodSword
Member
Hey Valefor, don't let a few negative comments sway you. All the awesome songwriters and poets had to start somewhere. But, the Opeth forum is probably not a good place to begin, especially if your looking for constructive criticism.
Pavelent
Member
I made one awhile back that sort of relates to Opeth...I was pretty bored
The sinner slowly submerges in divine sea.
The malicious and vile intentions will succumb.
The diabolical ways will be undone.
The spirit will be free and released.
The zephyr oscillates the amaranths with comfort.
They gaze and ponder upon forceful eustacy,
and watch this culminate his blasphemy.
This inquisition being will soon divert.
He gasps on liquid cellophane penetrating within,
and encounters the almighty and sovereign Cthulhu!
“The peccancy you obtained will now subdue.”
“Now rise and manifest this desiderate omen!”
He rises like a phoenix, elegant and beautiful.
The immorality is perished forever and always.
The holy one has ended emotions of dismay,
and delivers a robust yell, “Redeem, I am immortal!”
Criticize me so I can lol.
The sinner slowly submerges in divine sea.
The malicious and vile intentions will succumb.
The diabolical ways will be undone.
The spirit will be free and released.
The zephyr oscillates the amaranths with comfort.
They gaze and ponder upon forceful eustacy,
and watch this culminate his blasphemy.
This inquisition being will soon divert.
He gasps on liquid cellophane penetrating within,
and encounters the almighty and sovereign Cthulhu!
“The peccancy you obtained will now subdue.”
“Now rise and manifest this desiderate omen!”
He rises like a phoenix, elegant and beautiful.
The immorality is perished forever and always.
The holy one has ended emotions of dismay,
and delivers a robust yell, “Redeem, I am immortal!”
Criticize me so I can lol.
N-MAYH
New Metal Member
people need to grow up, i can't imagine anyone hanging out in forums only throwing shit at others being older than 16, many of them are probably failures with music themselves and have to take it on others. I think that anyone with a burning intrest for something can make it if they really want to, i mean...
this is his first poem, he will only get better after each poem if there is an intrest. I think that you should keep writing, and cheers for being mature and not giving in.
this is his first poem, he will only get better after each poem if there is an intrest. I think that you should keep writing, and cheers for being mature and not giving in.
I also like to write,
Here's a few of mine
A bit less evil as your poem's,
hope you don't take it as cheesy:
1.
Mumbling through the paper walls
Rising desibels untill blood from the ears
Filthered by the soft feathers
A beautiful silence deafening all
Awakened by a shouting cabhorn
The wheels peal of the mirrorground
I clear the blurry window to take a last look
We are blood through the city veins
This is the start of a better chapter
You climbed through boiling water
Drowning in a bottle of Jack Daniels
For living she sold what was left of her
Small hands forfeit and reach as you fall
Arriving to a nightly harbour scene
Passing signals of the closing gates
Burning the first pages of a gallery
Lifelines divide, navigated into the unknown
Is this the start of a better chapter?
2.
You know how a memory can feel much
more valuable than how it felt at it´s current,
it´s strength can make the tears trickle.
And one thought always cirkles the mind,
”If only i could have it back, i would cherish it more”.
Just like the end, life is a one way railroad,
you can only sit back and watch it fade away.
Capture a moment at it´s current, something
beautiful, look upon it like a memory,
tears are shed for in the distant future,
when all else has lost it´s purpose and taste.
Maybe someone you once knew, or even loved is thinking of you still
Maybe we only value things weve lost
Bittersweet longing is the cost
I cannot help but feel glad to mourn
More living than before but inside still torn
Maybe the same thoughts run through your head,
and those meaningful words left unsaid,
wishing a letter could be sent where
ever the railroad ends.
3.
This is my dawning
Overture of time
I am a lightbulb
I cannot see the shadows
Still i see you
Your’e my reflection
Shattering mirror
Eyes of tranquil oceans
Divided
Been waiting all this time
I wach through
These oceans
Of grey shades
Inside sleeps
The burden stone
Fractured
And bleeding of coal
Flap your wings now while you may
Like pages from an ancient book
Smell the rain now closer still
For it will come and you´ll lie in wait
The tree is growing tall
The roots were spread on venom ground
Who have i to learn from?
The apples are all poison within
Blind eyes searching through
Your'e the moth the moon is yours
Come reach out can you feel
The answers in front your eyes
4.
Salt Of Tears
I turn my life into
pieces of paper
Full of blame
Still i can call myself
No better than you
I guess i'm just
Trying to find an answer
I do not care to meet you
The thought of you angers me deeply
The thought of what could have become
But still i do not wish to lose you
The thought of it frightens me
The thought of losing you
Things will never be the same, and i know
You put your life in to this creators hands
And then drop mine on the cold floor
It is all a messed up tale of bits and pieces
i never thought of asking about before,
So many times you’ve ate your words
Swallowed them with your pills
And drank you cheap wine
It feels so good, this feeling of calm
To leave troubles to the next day
But are our tomorrows so certain to you?
Your eyes tell lies
Neath this cold glaciar
That you're melting
With the salt of tears
But the ice is thickening still
You can keep melting it
And eventually drown
Or let it reach within
I do not care to meet you
The thought of you angers me deeply
The thought of what could have become
But still i do not wish to lose you
The thought of it frightens me
The thought of losing you
Things will never be the same, and i know
You keep shifting shapes, from this to that
judged by what i’ve built of the pieces.
I don´t know you, still i’m a weight on your sholders,
and you on mine, i’m a strangers burden.
Edit: and before someone says it, i have alot to improve with too. But i think that writings can sometimes be too personal, for others to analyze.
Here's a few of mine
A bit less evil as your poem's,
hope you don't take it as cheesy:
1.
Mumbling through the paper walls
Rising desibels untill blood from the ears
Filthered by the soft feathers
A beautiful silence deafening all
Awakened by a shouting cabhorn
The wheels peal of the mirrorground
I clear the blurry window to take a last look
We are blood through the city veins
This is the start of a better chapter
You climbed through boiling water
Drowning in a bottle of Jack Daniels
For living she sold what was left of her
Small hands forfeit and reach as you fall
Arriving to a nightly harbour scene
Passing signals of the closing gates
Burning the first pages of a gallery
Lifelines divide, navigated into the unknown
Is this the start of a better chapter?
2.
You know how a memory can feel much
more valuable than how it felt at it´s current,
it´s strength can make the tears trickle.
And one thought always cirkles the mind,
”If only i could have it back, i would cherish it more”.
Just like the end, life is a one way railroad,
you can only sit back and watch it fade away.
Capture a moment at it´s current, something
beautiful, look upon it like a memory,
tears are shed for in the distant future,
when all else has lost it´s purpose and taste.
Maybe someone you once knew, or even loved is thinking of you still
Maybe we only value things weve lost
Bittersweet longing is the cost
I cannot help but feel glad to mourn
More living than before but inside still torn
Maybe the same thoughts run through your head,
and those meaningful words left unsaid,
wishing a letter could be sent where
ever the railroad ends.
3.
This is my dawning
Overture of time
I am a lightbulb
I cannot see the shadows
Still i see you
Your’e my reflection
Shattering mirror
Eyes of tranquil oceans
Divided
Been waiting all this time
I wach through
These oceans
Of grey shades
Inside sleeps
The burden stone
Fractured
And bleeding of coal
Flap your wings now while you may
Like pages from an ancient book
Smell the rain now closer still
For it will come and you´ll lie in wait
The tree is growing tall
The roots were spread on venom ground
Who have i to learn from?
The apples are all poison within
Blind eyes searching through
Your'e the moth the moon is yours
Come reach out can you feel
The answers in front your eyes
4.
Salt Of Tears
I turn my life into
pieces of paper
Full of blame
Still i can call myself
No better than you
I guess i'm just
Trying to find an answer
I do not care to meet you
The thought of you angers me deeply
The thought of what could have become
But still i do not wish to lose you
The thought of it frightens me
The thought of losing you
Things will never be the same, and i know
You put your life in to this creators hands
And then drop mine on the cold floor
It is all a messed up tale of bits and pieces
i never thought of asking about before,
So many times you’ve ate your words
Swallowed them with your pills
And drank you cheap wine
It feels so good, this feeling of calm
To leave troubles to the next day
But are our tomorrows so certain to you?
Your eyes tell lies
Neath this cold glaciar
That you're melting
With the salt of tears
But the ice is thickening still
You can keep melting it
And eventually drown
Or let it reach within
I do not care to meet you
The thought of you angers me deeply
The thought of what could have become
But still i do not wish to lose you
The thought of it frightens me
The thought of losing you
Things will never be the same, and i know
You keep shifting shapes, from this to that
judged by what i’ve built of the pieces.
I don´t know you, still i’m a weight on your sholders,
and you on mine, i’m a strangers burden.
Edit: and before someone says it, i have alot to improve with too. But i think that writings can sometimes be too personal, for others to analyze.
well said koi....poems are usually too personal to be judged by someone you've never met.
graft....you need to grow up
graft....you need to grow up
zabu of nΩd
Free Insultation
- Feb 9, 2007
- 14,620
- 805
- 113
Very nice. My favorite section was the first - nice imagery (except the Jack Daniels thing was kinda cheesy, lol), and nice sense of mystery. Parts 3 and 4 had a similar feel, though the imagery I found a bit more awkward overall. Part 2, and the second stanza of part 4, were way too literal I think, reading more like an angsty love letter than a poem, so I didn't get much out of those.
Hope that helps. Again, I understand if the poem has a lot of personal significance. I'm just reporting the significance it has to me.
Very nice. My favorite section was the first - nice imagery (except the Jack Daniels thing was kinda cheesy, lol), and nice sense of mystery. Parts 3 and 4 had a similar feel, though the imagery I found a bit more awkward overall. Part 2, and the second stanza of part 4, were way too literal I think, reading more like an angsty love letter than a poem, so I didn't get much out of those.
Hope that helps. Again, I understand if the poem has a lot of personal significance. I'm just reporting the significance it has to me.
thanks vihris, i totally get what you mean.
I edited the fourth one, i put up an unfinished version of it by mistake.
Khayman666
Lord of the tomb
beast from the east
Member
Hey Valefor, I enjoyed reading it. And as for the inevitable negative comments you've received..fuck em, really. Poetry is your own personal expression, so who gives a flying fuck if someone dislikes it. I'm pretty sure even the greatest poets ever had some schmuck say "it sucks".
Keep at it man!
Keep at it man!
N-MAYH
New Metal Member
how i would have written it, good job though, work on grammar/spelling more (guessing English isn't your first language?), also the jd is cliche, keep it up. this poem is better than the others posted here. most of the things i noticed were just grammar/word placement, the interpreting is completely different from mine to yours so yeah...
