Please help your Uncle Ted...

[tedvanfrehley]

Guys and Gals and Swines of all ages:

A few months back I posted a serious note about my father and my current problems with him. THIS IS OFF TOPIC SO PLEASE FORGIVE ME AND DON'T READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU DON'T WANNA.

At any rate...I need some serious help/advice/support/whatever you think. Long story short, I have cut my father out of my life because his drinking has affected our family. We don't want him to see the baby, etc. He won't let it go, though and continues to harrass us. It's almost like getting a divorce and wanting to move on but the ex won't let you...thinking they'll win you back by being even more hurtful than before. Makes no sense. This is why I hate alcohol. NO OFFENSE to anyone who drinks....it just ain't for me. I will drive anyone of you around while you get blasted if you're ever in Kentucky but I'll stick to Chewing Tobacco if that's alright by you. But anyways...

This whole thing has made me extremely depressed. I can't go a day without being bothered by it. I can't enjoy life.

I know I'm doing the right thing for myself and my family but just cannot understand why he just can't let me be.

Anyone else dealt with this sort of thing? I am 31 years old and just don't have time for this shit in my life...but I feel like a 10 year old kid that just wants to hide in the closet until it goes away.

I know there's nothing y'all can do. But some kind words from some brothers in metal may at least help me postpone the pain.

Thanks for readin'
Ted

ps...you all know I'm a praying man. I know there's a plan for me. I just gotta endure this. I was just hoping maybe one or two of you all may be my earthly guardian angels and have some words...

 

[ElectricWiz]

I don't have any advice for you Ted, at least not outside of keep your chin up, but for some reason I feel this an appropriate time to say that, reading all your posts here, I find you a real nut case. Now, don't be offended, all my favorite people are nut cases. AND, in the end, in my view, they are the folks who pull through.

Hang in, you'll pull through, if I what I know about the average nut case has served me well that is....

 

[sixxswine]

TVF, this is kinda a long explanation, but what you are going through is "normal" or shopuld be happening, based on what has happened in the past with your dad.
If you recall, the advice I gave was something to the fact of cuttting your pop off...
Yeah, I know better said than done, but in the end that's what you've done. That is until he gets a grip on his life. My advice would be to go online & do a search for
Al-Anon materials & or books. Get educated on what you can do to help yourself get through this tough time. That's not to say that you must make meetings like some people elect to do, but that's not to say that you can't read some material that will help you better yourself.
Based on what you've said about your father he's still in pre-contemplation stage, he probably gets bursts of "yeah, I have a probelm." Then he gets back to the gaming & drinking & then falls back to the old ways. And probably the denial of the probalem pulls a power play & sees himself as the victim, you proably play a dual role as both the perp & the rescuer...
You're on your way in the sense that you're open to looking into what options are out there...
I have no doubt you'll find the answer. Remember this;
"Insanity is repeating the same act over & oevr & expecting different result."

6

 

[zeppelin]

This a real tough one Ted.
I can't tell you what to do, but rember that guys like us have a lot going for us. I mean you're a rocker Ted. You've got friends that hold you highly, we apreaciate music so much more than average people.
What I'm trying to say is, you don't ever have to feel like hiding in a closet, if it gets to much grab that guitar, play a killer riff, or come over here and make us laugh.
C'mon Ted, it's a real crappy scenario you're in, and I sympathise with you, but kick it in the balls man.Go and put on your favourite Van Halen song and feel better.

 

[#1_Droogie]

Tedsters....I can kind of relate to you by my dad having an alcohol problem, and he's a dick.....but after i told him to fuck off and go to hell, he left me alone. I only wish that would work for you

I dont know if you mentioned this, but have you sat your dad down (when he's sober) and told him you dont want him around anymore? Maybe you've already tried it, but if you havent, you should....but I'm afraid thats all the advice i can give ya.

Just remember, you got family here over at UMOS, they'll support you.

Ted, seeing as you say you're depressed all the time, would you ever consider anti-depressants? They work most of the time for me, and they've worked for others as well. If you arent on them, you should consider them.

Ted, you're a real character (thats good), we dont want depression ruling your life. Just hang in there, things will get better, I know it. Take care Ted

 

[Wyvern]

Ted, I don't know if my words are going to help or hurt but I will do my best to give my piece of advice in this delicate situation.

I never had a problem of alcohol in the family, but I lost my father when I was 24. I was finishing college and no idea whatsoever what to do with life. I found out of nowhere strenght to carry on and take care of my widowed mother as well as the house.

So basically overnight I found myself turned into an adult (still I'm pretty immature in lot of senses) with all the responsabilities of society and most of my immediate plans shattered. Life send me on a path I didn't choose and had to carry to it til this day.

But the bottom line is like it or not after 18 we are adults in the society and we have to take all that comes with it: rights and responsabilities.
I always wanted to keep my whole family tight I believed that blood is thicker than water, but I found I was the only one believing so. I lost cousins out of actions I did in what I thought was the best interest of the family.

I know is not even close but both your father and you are adults, you're a responsable one and your father isn't. As hard and cruel as this going to sound you have to cut out him from your life (like Droog did). You have to do it to preserve the integrity of the rest of the family and the kid, as well as your own sanity.

Of course this will bring a depressive state. As much as your faith gives you strenght to carry on, you're only human. And we are a fragile species when it comes to emotions and feelings, so don't expect this kind of decision goes unmarked.
I'm basically depressive but I found that I can carry on if I look for a reason to, for years has been taking care of my mother and music.

You have your own family, you are already 31. It's time to look forward, and leave (like you said the shit behind), it's not going to be easy, it's not going to be fast, but in the end you'll look back and know you did the right choice.

The best advice I can give is ask for counseling, it had helped me (and still does) with many situations in my life (including my dad's departure).

Take care a lot, keep the spirit on.

 

[Wicked Child]

Wow, i don't know how or where to start. I understand how you feel very well about the drinking, my God, do i ever. My dad's liver is shot because of many, many years of drinking. And let's not even get into the horror stories.

Teddy Boy, i'm not a religious man, but i believe there's a God out there, and if he loves us like we're told he does, he'd listen to a guy like me and that's why i'm actually going to pray for you. Booze brings nothing but burden, and to see it hurt yet another person pisses me off. Yes, i drink, but i drink with moderation, i don't get smashed too often, i don't even drink very often.

There's really nothing in the way of advice i can give you other than say keep doing what you're doing, cutting him out of your life may be painful and extremely hard to do, but unfortunately, it's the right thing to do. And i agree with Wyvern, counseling is a good idea. I've done it before and it really does help.

And all i can from here is pray for you and just give you moral support. Take care, Teddy Boy.

 

[Metal Dog]

Hey Ted the best advice I can give to you is to do your best to ignore/forget about your dad and concentrate on the good things in your life eg your wife and child and any other great things that may be going on in your life. And never forget your music will always be there for you. Keep your chin up you will come out on the other side and you'll be a better and stronger person for your experiences no matter how hard they are to get through.
You have the strenght inside you to make it through this.
And remember - You are not alone

 

[KMADD]

Keep your head up Ted. I had a similar problem with my Biological father but he
passed when I was 13. My last sad image of him was when He was in a soldier's home
in Knightstown In and he tried to give me his last 10 bucks. I gave him a hug and put the money back in his pocket a couple of months later he died of Cirrosis of the
Liver. I know I should'nt be following in his footsteps by drinking myself but I usually
drink in moderation and lately since it seems like I cant handle bourbon any more
I started drinking Light Beer like Coors light and Bud Select. I consider myself a more
social drinker than my dad. My brother is going thru this kind of shit with my mother
well she's not a drinker but she's kind of a mental basketcase and once my niece
is born my bro does not want her visit them all the time which I can understand
cause she drives me nuts but wanting come over to Indpls all the time( she lives up
north in Muncie In) to either have lunch or something on my only full day off which is
Sun, But oh well folks sorry about the long rambling and hang in there Ted maybe one
of these days when I get a better car I might have to meet ya one day and do
some fishin' over there in Kentucky maybe in that little town where me and my pal
visited named Rabbit's Hole?

 

[Bryant]

Ted just remember one of the cornerstones of the 12 step (ala AA, CA, NA etc.) program. It is not just for the addict, but for those that suffer around them..... namely the serenity prayer. It states "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
You can not control your father's drinking, but you CAN control your reaction to it. Be strong and steadfast and do not allow him to interact with you and your wife and children when he is drinking, even if he is sober enough to act civil. If he is not drinking at all, then my suggestion is to allow him to visit you and your family. What you are doing is showing him that his drinking is unacceptable, but he himself as a sober person is.


Bryant

 

[tedvanfrehley]

Thanks for all your comments. I wish I could tell you more details but I cannot...now...there are some "issues" to work out. Let's just say that he's brought the good things in my life (wife, her family, baby, etc.) into it as well. The guy left some messages cussing out my wife, etc. because he thinks she put me up to cutting him out...it's just such bull. So now I am dealing with him and also feeling like my wife didn't deserve to marry into this bullshit....I'm sure her family hates it as well.

I hated to post it here too but outside of my wife and one good friend from my youth I don't really have anyone else to talk to but you guys.

THANKS to all of you. I mean it.

 

[Bryant]

I hated to post it here too but outside of my wife and one good friend from my youth I don't really have anyone else to talk to but you guys.

THANKS to all of you. I mean it.

I will always be your friend as long as you want me to be Tr.


Bryant

 

[kittybeast]

Ted, you've done nothing wrong, you've done what's best for your family. It is a difficult decision, but one you had to make. Having lost my mother when I was 25 to scoriocis of the liver, I can only say....try to be prepared for the day when you won't have a choice of seeing him or being a part of his life., your father needs to know that as well, by the choices he is making (to drink) it forces you to make choices to keep your family away from his awful behavior while drunk. Maybe you can see your father away from your home, maybe it has to be all or nothing. Like others have said, counseling, al-anon and other support services can help.

DON'T feel bad for posting here, it's a place that's more than just talk of music and metal. Stay strong! Big hugz, K

 

[Wicked Child]

Thanks for all your comments. I wish I could tell you more details but I cannot...now...there are some "issues" to work out. Let's just say that he's brought the good things in my life (wife, her family, baby, etc.) into it as well. The guy left some messages cussing out my wife, etc. because he thinks she put me up to cutting him out...it's just such bull. So now I am dealing with him and also feeling like my wife didn't deserve to marry into this bullshit....I'm sure her family hates it as well.

I hated to post it here too but outside of my wife and one good friend from my youth I don't really have anyone else to talk to but you guys.

THANKS to all of you. I mean it.

I know this is tough, but just remember: YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. YOUR WIFE DID NOTHING WRONG. SHE MARRIED YOU BECAUSED SHE LOVES YOU,and this is just another bump in the road of life, you and your family can get through it. Love conquers all.

And i actually did what i said i'd do, last night, i prayed for you, your family and even your dad, now we just gotta see if the man upstairs will give a non-religious man the time of day.

And we've never met face to face before, but i consider you a friend. And as a friend, i'll be there whenever you need me.

God Bless.

 

[KMADD]

You can always holler at me my Kentucky neighbor!!!

 

[#1_Droogie]

Ted, you've done nothing wrong, you've done what's best for your family. It is a difficult decision, but one you had to make. Having lost my mother when I was 25 to scoriocis of the liver, I can only say....try to be prepared for the day when you won't have a choice of seeing him or being a part of his life., your father needs to know that as well, by the choices he is making (to drink) it forces you to make choices to keep your family away from his awful behavior while drunk. Maybe you can see your father away from your home, maybe it has to be all or nothing. Like others have said, counseling, al-anon and other support services can help.

DON'T feel bad for posting here, it's a place that's more than just talk of music and metal. Stay strong! Big hugz, K

thats true......but you dont want him around if he's hurting everybody around him. Hell, sometimes my dad was awesome, he'd just be this great guy, and i couldnt understand how he could be such a dick.......but what i'm trying to say, is that all people can appear to be nice, but if they hurt you at anytime, then you need to either get them to stop, or stop being with them.

I havent talked to my dad for about a month now, and I'm no longer depressed as often. Ted, I know it would be hard, but you MIGHT have to do that with your dad.

Even though I barely know you (being such a noob on this forum that I am) I still consider you my favorite Uncle Ted. I'm sure the others here feel this way, so if you ever have a problem, you can always come to us.

 

[sixxswine]

Thanks for all your comments. I wish I could tell you more details but I cannot...now...there are some "issues" to work out. Let's just say that he's brought the good things in my life (wife, her family, baby, etc.) into it as well. The guy left some messages cussing out my wife, etc. because he thinks she put me up to cutting him out...it's just such bull. So now I am dealing with him and also feeling like my wife didn't deserve to marry into this bullshit....I'm sure her family hates it as well.

I hated to post it here too but outside of my wife and one good friend from my youth I don't really have anyone else to talk to but you guys.

THANKS to all of you. I mean it.

It hard to say how low his bottom is, but that's just tragic & who knows if this can or will be repairable, even if & when he elects to get himself straightened out. I'm sorry to hear that he had gotten to an all time low & been blasting your old lady. Don't be ashamed, YOU had NOTHING to do with it. I have a feeling your wife understands & I hope her family does as well.
Easier said than done right? Bust out a message or two bro, I miss shooting the shit with you.
6

 

[tedvanfrehley]

SWINE, yeah, we need to get a chat going soon!


THANKS again to all who replied and to Wicked Child for the prayer. WOW!