say something about ... yourself!

[derek]

I am sick of that picture!

 

[Captain Beard]

I was about to repost it, too. Good show!

 

[Altitudes]

Sweet mother of Areola! What did I just see

 

[Liverslapper]

Still beautiful as ever...

 

[Altitudes]

Still too hairy for me. A beautifully manicured lawn is highly sod after.

 

[El Stormo]

Now that you have implied you may have some, you must post. I'll even give you a free internet.

I've posted more boobs than all of you put together. I draw the line at violating people's trust, however.

 

[replicated]

I've posted more boobs than all of you put together. I draw the line at violating people's trust, however.

Respectable. She didn't break your trust though? I think that would make it okay. At least it did in my case.

 

[Liverslapper]

You never left a relationship on good terms? Ouch...

 

[Shpongled]

After someone breaks my trust, I'd just as soon be done with them all together rather than potentially escalate any further issues into an even bigger shitstorm.

 

[replicated]

Yeah. I'm just bustin' your balls El Stormo. Although, there is quite a bit of fun in shitstorm chasin'.

 

[El Stormo]

Respectable. She didn't break your trust though? I think that would make it okay. At least it did in my case.

No, most of my relationships have ended on a more or less friendly note. And even then. Just because they're untrustworthy liars doesn't mean I should be too.

After someone breaks my trust, I'd just as soon be done with them all together rather than potentially escalate any further issues into an even bigger shitstorm.

That, too.

Yeah. I'm just bustin' your balls El Stormo.

You call that busting someone's balls?

 

[El Stormo]

tl;dr and srs bzns alert!



On an unrelated and very serious note, I just got an enormous wake-up call. I'm at a potentially extremely destructive level of psychological unhealthiness even though I didn't realize it myself and thought I was a normal, healthy person. I need to change, right now, because I'm at the level psychologists label "red flag level", where all the attempts to avoid the thing one fears most have produced the exact opposite, and that fear becomes the reality one is confronted with - in my case the fear of being a bad person, one who's become a complete antithesis of the principles I held so high, of being evil, and irredeemable, of failing oneself and one's standards. It's basically the level that signals the beginning of extremely destructive behaviour towards the self and the environment. Right now I'm a disaster waiting to happen, to myself and my surroundings. It's not too late to turn it around, I hope, and I'm starting right now.

I'm feeling awful, afraid and mentally very ill (not in a crazy sense, but in a damaged/poisoned one), but I know what's wrong with me now, I know what all those things beneath the surface have been that make me so judgmental, intolerant and sometimes downright cruel. The things that made me a bad person - exactly the very thing I've always found most important to avoid. I'm going to try and heal myself even though right now it looks like an impossible task. First thing I have to determine for myself is whether or not I'm irredeemable, whether or not I'll ever be able to understand, and truly realize and live with the fact that the standards I hold for myself and others are unattainable and that I can accept that people, including myself, have faults and that being human is not a reason for condemnation. I don't know if I'll succeed, I might not.

As to how that affects you guys, some of you are the same as I am, just as unhealthy in different ways, and I still feel completely justified in confronting you with your imperfections, even if my methods weren't always productive. I still stand by many things I've said that were critical, because even though they may have been painful, they were things that needed to be said, things that if received correctly, hopefully have have made better people out of you.

But the main reason I'm so messed up inside is guilt, so I need to start finding ways to stop that feeling consuming me. One of those ways is understanding why I act this way and explaining it to you people, even though you're all people on an internet forum and internet is serious business and all that bullcrap. You people are all real people, and though some of you may dismiss what I say or even laugh at it, you all have feelings and coming to terms with myself means respecting yours.

Therefore, to some of you, I've been unnecessarily harsh, judgmental, intolerant and hurtful, striking out at you unfairly and unjustly. You have no idea how difficult it is for me to admit this, even on an internet forum, but I was striking out at you people when in fact I was, without even knowing it, raging against myself for not being able to live up to my own standards, and dulling that guilt, justifying myself by capitalizing on others' faults, or what I saw as faults. It's no excuse, and I'm not making any, but I am saying that if I've kicked out at you unjustly, that the one I was truly hating was myself and my imperfections. For that I am truly, deeply sorry. Towards you for being that way, and towards myself for knowingly allowing that behaviour to deceive me and pushing me deeper into my personal Hell, where the desire to make the world better was unconsciously replaced by the desire to silence critics, justify myself and put down others to make myself appear better. I have to change this back to what it once was, I have to fix my faults instead of silencing people that draw attention to them, and that way, I can again begin to do what healthy people like me do: make the world better by setting a good example, instead of ruthlessly convicting everyone but myself.

It's going to be a hard road, if it's even worth starting at all, but I have to do this or I'll destroy myself (which right now feels entirely justified) and maybe others as well, and that I will not allow to happen. This post was one of the first steps, and I don't doubt many of you will see it as weakness, or a good opportunity to be snide or gloating, but so be it. If people react this way, that's their faults showing, and I need to learn that people are permitted to have them. However, if you do feel the urge to be rotten about this post, stop for a moment and wonder if it's not at all realistic that you are like I am. And wonder if, maybe sooner or later, you'll receive the same wake-up call that'll make you feel as awful as I am feeling right now.

I have a long, slow, painful process ahead of me, and right now I just want to lay down and die, hating myself for not being as virtuous as I wanted to be, and thought I was, but as long as there is still a possibility that I can get through this and come out a better person, I'm going to fight.

Wish me luck. And hope, like I am doing right now, that I'm not irredeemable.

 

[Det Som Engang Var]

I've been doing the introspective self analysis thing for years now. I've come to find there is no answer.

I hate sounding like I know what I'm talking about, especially on a forum with older and more intelligent people, but here it goes.

I think most people default into the personas they've either created for themselves or having been made to be, and those of us who analyze our own thought patterns and behaviors in hope of finding some semblance of enlightenment or normality, are wasting both time and contentment.

Nothing is the answer to everything.

Having said that, I don't think you've ever been too critical of anyone, and if anything I respect your judgement. Your own flaws are no reason not to judge. Judging is good. People need to be called out on their bullshit, especially me. I don't devalue your opinions because you feel critical of yourself and guilt, if anything I value them more because of that.

What do you hope to find, Stormo? And when you find it, will the world or your life be any different?

 

[Liverslapper]

 

[El Stormo]

I've been doing the introspective self analysis thing for years now. I've come to find there is no answer.

I hate sounding like I know what I'm talking about, especially on a forum with older and more intelligent people, but here it goes.

I think most people default into the personas they've either created for themselves or having been made to be, and those of us who analyze our own thought patterns and behaviors in hope of finding some semblance of enlightenment or normality, are wasting both time and contentment.

Nothing is the answer to everything.

I respectfully disagree, John. Simply because I have to. I'm not talking about trying to attain enlightenment, I'm talking about finding the things that drive a man to destructive behaviour, identifying them, and putting them right. I need to believe that's possible. Nihilism and cynicism only lead to self-destruction or an empty, worthless life. I'm glad I got my alarm call when I did, even though it may already be too late. I don't believe in enlightenment as such, but I do believe in epiphanies, and my realization, as painful and terrifying as it is, definitely is one.

Having said that, I don't think you've ever been too critical of anyone, and if anything I respect your judgement.

Nice of you to say, but I have been overly critical, I have been ruthless, and what's unhealthy is the reason why I was being that way: judging others to feel better about myself. To use an example for you gamer guys, I guess you can compare me to Knight-Commander Meredith right now, and I don't want to have to waste my last breath saying, "What if I was wrong all this time?"

What do you hope to find, Stormo? And when you find it, will the world or your life be any different?

I don't hope to *find* anything. I hope to change. I've found what I needed to find already, the things that made me feel so bad without even realizing. Again, I'm not talking about attaining enlightenment or nirvana or anything else of that sort. I'm talking about analyzing what goes on inside me, identifying what's wrong, and rectifying that.

If there's one thing that isn't going to help, it's religious blabbering. I'm not going to be all snippy at you for joking at my expense though, but realize that kicking someone who positions himself as vulnerable isn't a sign of a healthy, balanced psyche.

 

[Det Som Engang Var]

I was afraid that post would come off as too nihilistic. I understand your point. But I think the pain of reasoning with yourself outweighs any possible improvements you might make in thought process. It hurts knowing you care enough about yourself to want to correct abnormalities while so many people choose to play their persona dutifully, even if there is a sense of contentment in self correction. But I can understand why you would want to endure that. I don't know...I spent the last four days sitting in jail, with a lot of time to think. And honestly, truth and falsehood are equally painful and I just don't want to feel anymore. (lol, AIC lyric) Damn it, I came off overly cynical again.

I don't expect many people to feel the way I do about that.

But, you know what I think? The Finnish language is fucking disgusting sounding. Obnoxious, unappealing to my sense of sound, and abrasive.

 

[El Stormo]

I was afraid that post would come off as too nihilistic. I understand your point. But I think the pain of reasoning with yourself outweighs any possible improvements you might make in thought process. It hurts knowing you care enough about yourself to want to correct abnormalities while so many people choose to play their persona dutifully, even if there is a sense of contentment in self correction. But I can understand why you would want to endure that. I don't know...I spent the last four days sitting in jail, with a lot of time to think.

I see what you mean, but I think facing one's faults and working on them will lead to a healthier psyche, which in turn will allow better, more tolerable behaviour, which in turn will lead to people as well as yourself appreciating you more, which then will lead to healthier mental state and so on. There is definitely such a thing as a downward spiral, but it also works in reverse.

And you know what I think? The Finnish language is fucking disgusting sounding.

Gah yes. It's completely awful.

 

[Det Som Engang Var]

Well said, my friend. You actually have me questioning my own psyche with that response.

 

[El Stormo]

Well said, my friend. You actually have me questioning my own psyche with that response.

Good. Questioning yourself is always good. I never did that because I was too busy justifying my own behaviour and condemning others'.

 

[dreaming neon darkspot]

stormo - get a kitten. all of life's problems are solved by cute, fuzzy animals.