I didn't poop them, but I came damnnnn close.
I was 19, my girlfriend was 18 and graduating the upcoming spring.
I had the day off from work because I had jury duty. Girlfriend wanted a ride to school since I was going to be out near her house anyway. I obliged, but was a little rushed leaving the house. I had a few poo-pains but still wanted to get laid that night and figured making her late for class would ruin my chances.
The entire ride to her house I'm playing peek-a-boo with my asshole. I figure I'll have roughly 7 more minutes of poo-pains before I can relieve myself in a more private setting. If I hurried, I could stop at my work before jury duty and take an orgasmic dump.
I get to her house and she's butt naked in the bathroom. I told her I need to shit extremely bad but she's cranky about being late and still needs to put on make-up and I can't waste any of her time. (shes a cunt)
I went and sat down on a wooden chair and smashed my asshole down to keep the poop inside. 10 agonizing minutes go by, I'm sweating, afraid to breath too heavy. During this time her mom, brother & dad come home from a breakfast outing and arguments over who is shitting first began. Not about to join the fight, I keep my mouth shut and keep sweating.
Finally she's ready to go, we hop in my truck and slip and slide up the icy driveway. Now she's pissed because I'm in a hurry and I'm uncomfortable. I drive like a maniac on icy/snowy roads and dump her at school. Pull an immediate u-turn and start to speed my way home. I decided that with all the suffering I just put myself through, I deserve to take a shit at home.
Go figure I hit every traffic light. My asshole hurts so bad from holding this shit in, I'm sweating, my heart is racing and my balls are tingling, I can barely focus on anything. Every traffic light is taking so long...I look both ways and just blow the red light. Hit another light, this time I didn't even stop, intersection full of cars..I look both ways and just weave my way through with everyone beeping at me.
At this point I'm in so much pain I've unbuttoned my pants hoping less pressure on my pelvic area would feel good, but instead the extra gut room makes me have to shit even MORE. I'm in traffic trying to button my pants while driving a 5 speed Ford Ranger.
I eventually get to the last intersection before the 4 mile straight stretch of road before my house. By now I'm in full panic mode debating if I should just SHIT my pants and deal with cleaning up a mess, versus being in this pain. My ass knows I'm only a matter of minutes away from home and really begins to fuck with me.
I swear the poop is starting to come out and fly back up my ass. The light turns green and I peel out flying home.
The last agonizing 4 miles took so long, I pull onto my street and the panic is at an all time high, I go to pull into my icy driveway and DAMMMIT, I cut the wheel, the truck doesn't turn and OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF, up and over the snowbank, tear the bumper off my truck and I land about 15 feet into the yard, snow up to my doors. I can't get the fucking door open. So I roll down the crank window as fast as I can and Jeff Gordon my way out of the truck. I start to blast through the 4 feet of snow but I didn't tie my boots so I keep getting stuck and tangled up.
I stepped out of my boots and ran towards the driveway, which was a total block of ice. I took one step on the driveway and BAM, fall on my ass. At this point I've stopped clinching and accepted that I'm going to shit my pants, but my legs being pinched together kept the poo in me.
I start to waddle up the driveway the best I can, get to the front door and reach for my keys and realize I left the truck running in neutral in the yard. I started frantically banging on the door and ringing the door bell, my mom is hard of hearing and I've been locked out of the house for hours before, banging on windows and doors. So I start KNEEING the door making as much noise as I can to get my dogs barking. My mom comes to the door and I am running in place, pants unbuttoned, barefoot on the icy steps, I blasted through the door, dropped my pants and ran up the stairs, squeezing my balls, ripped open the bathroom door and started to shit before I could get to the toilet.
I had to clean 2 huge logs up off the tile floor, but I did NOT shit my pants. Hooked chains up to my truck and used my dads to pull mine out of the front yard and...
I made it to Jury Duty on time, only to be dismissed the moment I walked in because of a guilty plea.
