You'll all probably think I'm ridiculous/a drama queen/insane/trolling, but it's happened to me again and I promised myself I'd write down my experiences when they are still fresh in my mind. Before I start, remember that I've had sleep paralysis before, and I'm conscious of the way a mind can convince itself that things it imagines are real, and how real they can feel when it does so. I'm not some guy with an overactive imagination who believes everything the mind tells him. Keep that in mind as you read.
I've been doing night shifts during the weekend, so my rhythm is busted up, as it always is. Last night I slept for two hours, and today maybe four. At 09:30 I thought I'd take a little nap just to feel a bit better. I haven't taken naps for a long time because of the whole sleep paralysis thing, but recently I've been doing it again simply because I'd fall over otherwise. I'd been free of nasty experiences, and some part of me tries to make me believe it's because I've moved houses and "they" couldn't find me anymore.
I'd fallen asleep at around 10:00, I think (I fall asleep very slowly, even when I'm dead tired), and I had a dream about being executed. For those who've seen HBO's Rome, it was a copy of the scene where Titus Pullo executes Cicero, only guess whose place I took. It was just a dream, and I knew it, because I knew I was asleep. No worries there. I often have these kinds of dreams and they're usually harmless.
Only this time, the dream didn't stop when I was about to die. I was actually impaled and fell to the ground, and I couldn't feel a thing. And I really mean I couldn't feel a thing. People say you can't feel when you dream, but you can, it's just that sensation is so faint you don't know it's there until it's gone. The pulse of your heartbeat, the expansion of your lungs, even when you dream you still feel it faintly, even though you don't know until it's gone. Well, it was gone, and I knew it. I literally felt nothing, and even as my mind woke up from the dream I remained there, in the 'dream'. I was face-down on the ground, and I knew my jaw had been smashed out of its hinges by the fall, but I didn't feel anything, even though I was fully conscious.
I can't describe the feeling I had at that moment, but I'll try. The only thought that went through me at that moment was, "I'm dead. This is how it feels to be dead. This is how people die inexplicably in their sleep. I'm dead I'm dead I'm dead I'm dead I'm dead I'm dead I'm dead I'm dead I'm dead I'm dead I'm dead I'm dead I'm dead!"
I was in my room again, being me, but I was still "that way". And as always when it happens, some part of me that manages to retain its wits told me, "it's sleep paralysis again, don't worry, you've had this before, it's just sleep paralysis, you're going to feel terrified now and there's going to be presences in your room, and you won't be able to move, but it's just sleep paralysis".
At that point, I told that part, not verbally, but on the level you can only communicate with your own mind: "I've had sleep paralysis before, but I've never been dead! How do you explain this?" That part of me didn't reply. And then, thankfully, that faint bit of feeling you have when you sleep or dream came back. But with it, 'they' came again too. I was back in my room, in my body, but my body still sleeping and my mind awake. I was on my side, with my back to the door and my face to the windows. And behind me, that presence I'd been so terrified of before, came again. It manifested in a sound behind me, behind the door, a sound like of a beast's growling breath, and at the same time that of a saw going through a log. It was behind me, coming up the stairs, and coming closer.
I remember being able to open one eye. I saw the light coming in through the cracks in the blinds, but still my body didn't wake up. I tried to move, but as always, my body was unresponsive, save for one of my feet, which I managed to slowly move back and forth. Still it came closer, and it imprinted that feeling it always did when it came. I say imprinted, because that's what it's like. You don't communicate verbally in that state. I'll try to describe the feeling I got, but it's difficult to do in words.
It was there to drag me off. Not drag off my body and eat it, like you might think, but to drag me off. To grab my awake soul and tear it away from my sleeping body, to sever my connection with it and take it somewhere where there is only darkness. Not darkness like we know it, but darkness, where there is no sight, no sound, no hearing, nothing. My body would be found dead when my girlfriend came home, died in its sleep for some inexplicable reason.
I've heard of people having wondrous experiences when in trance, of getting the feeling that their body is like a car: useful, deserving care, but ultimately, you can live on when it dies and won't need it anymore. They're no longer afraid of death because they know they will keep existing after the body dies. It's not the feeling that I have. This will all sound incredibly laughable, but the feeling I got is that the feeling those people have is real, but it will not be for me, only for good people. I'm a bad person. I don't know why, but I am. I'm a person who doesn't deserve the wondrous feeling all those good people get. And they know, and they wait. They'll get me when I'm paralyzed long enough for them to snatch me, and if not, all they have to do is wait for me to die and be in that bodiless state permanently, so they'll have all the time they need to drag me off.
I managed to awaken in time, this time, by screaming mentally and focusing all my effort on moving my body so it wakes up. But what if I can't next time? I'm having a hard time convincing myself it was all a figment, my imagination running wild combined with the fear of an immobile body. I don't know why, but something tells me this was more real than I dare to think of.
Right now, I'm terrified of sleeping again. Even now, I find myself looking over my shoulder as I sit in front of my keyboard, with the sun coming in through the windows. It's 11:49, but it feels like it's evening. No, a better way to put it is that it feels like it's no time at all. It feels like they're still around me, but they can't touch me and I can't see them. Not while I'm awake. They're powerless when I'm awake. But they know all they have to do is wait until I sleep again. I have to sleep again some time.
I'm terrified, not the way you would be when you're staring down the barrel of a gun. I'm not afraid of death - I'm afraid of what will happen then. The barrel-of-a-gun feeling is your body trying desperately to stay alive - it's not fear. This was.
Make of this what you will. Even I don't know how to interpret it. But god dammit it felt real enough.