So...How about now?

[Plastic Nathrakh]

any improvement at all?

 

[Krilons Resa]

wtf willis?

 

[Tide In Mind Out]

Haha you again?

Reminds me a little of Exhumed. But seriously, this is not the forum to expect any support from.

 

[Plastic Nathrakh]

I've been a lurker for like 2 years now(since you aren't too welcoming of newcomers). You uppity fuckers have gotten me into some great bands. I'm seriously trying to improve the band. The mindless trashing last time helped alot. Just looking for the opinions.

 

[Tide In Mind Out]

I don't remember what the band sounded like before. What's on the Myspace page now is alright, but pretty run-of-the-mill stuff. For a group of youngins it's not too bad though. I see you've made friends out of Bat Castle and Shaolin Death Squad on Myspace

 

[EricT]

Definitely a little too much Exhumed/Impaled worship there. Can't even remember what your older shit sounded like (probably the same? Someone dig up the thread so I can remember my thoughts). And your vocalist sucks huge dick, fire him.

 

[Plastic Nathrakh]

Hmmm.....we were going for an older type sound. So I guess you're right with most of the comments. However, what's particularly wrong with the vocals? Just need some destructive criticism.......


BTW, the older stuff was drastically different....

 

[EricT]

Imagine shoving a ball of hair into your mouth... now imagine the sound that occurs when you punch your stomach with that hairball in there. Then breathing heavy, replacing the hairball, and slamming your self in the balls. They just suck. Not to mention he's hitting his balls when he should be punching himself in the stomach, and punching himself in the stomach when he should be slamming his balls. That's what you've got in terms of vocals.

 

[Plastic Nathrakh]

Ok, I understand where you're coming from I guess. The vox are kind of air-y(i.e. not enough power). But that can be worked on.

What about the lyics? They're posted in blogs....

 

[EricT]

Let's disect:

Regurgitated while I enforced my malevolence
A carnal, narcissistic relapsing demigod

Combined words from a word of the day calendar that make absolutely no sense. The Cannibal Corpse school of lyrics.

With an insatiable appetite for coition
Dissimulated within my own perceptions

What the fuck is "coiton"? There is no word derived from coitus like that.

A Beacon grasps and dilutes
Consumed by my attention
Lamentation only drove me further

More big words to describe you're raping someone. Next time, just change this verse to say "RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE FUCK YEAH I LIKE RAPE"

**Foreign bond benign
Beset and fornicate
Fortune breed virgins
Just one fuck away**
Poison ridden
Deflower

Oh, you're raping virgins. I'm sorry. So now we have a song that says "RAPING VIRGINS YEAH YEAH I LIKE RAPING VIRGINS!" A song based on the Harmony Korine penned screenplay Kids, perhaps?

She stimulated appendages found best secluded
When I revoked her virginity
How succulent and plain
An oasis of vaginal excrement

You can't revoke virginity. You did not give the virginity, so it is not yours to revoke. Also, "An Oasis of Vaginal Excrement"... I'm not even going to get into the 40 things wrong with this line.

****

Forced fed my cock
You virgin whore

Wait... we went from word of the day calendar to "Force fed my cock you virgin whore"?

*Broken teeth
Blood stained vagina
Your screams mean nothing to me
I'll cut out your tongue*

More hilariously bad low brow lyrics...

Wallow in my seminal fluid you filthy whore

This can be taken several ways. The most common meaning of Wallow, which is to roll around in lazily, meaning you just sprayed a lot of semen, or the other meaning, to take joy in. I'm not exactly thinking a virgin who just got raped by a guy in a band named "Dirty Chemist" is going to be up for much wallowing.

Nothing beats sinking my knife inside
Your pink twat

Didn't the world already go over this with Cannibal Corpses "Raped with a knife"?

****

Your insides were an amusement park of sorts
So colorful, so inviting
I stand in the mirror in pure awe of how much
blood you contain
Beauty in my eyes

**

Defloration

What? Ok, so you've stabbed her in the twat with a knife... and you're looking at the mirror in awe? Wouldn't you rather look at the vagina in awe? Or maybe you have the mirror positioned around her vaginal area? Maybe you should have mentioned that earlier...

These lyrics are completely rhythm-less, btw. Structure! If you're gonna write a song about raping virgins, it has to have structure to have effect.

 

[EricT]

Man... lyrically you guys remind me of this one guy I once knew. He submitted the following lyrics to a group of us as part of project we were working on... These are completely unedited btw:

slit the pale skin around your hole
sorry to say but my knife is doll
once a vagina now a tasty treat
take anther steep ill cut of your fucken feet
cold and naked you lie there half dead
dreadfull of thoughts and your pussy bleed
im damned in the thing they call a soul
im only freeing your life in the most pailfull way to go
bleed bitch fucken bleed
now give birth to my seed
i fill you with my liquid
give birth you fucken whore
your not liveing a dream
your living a nightmare
and this nightmare is only damned to get worse
you think your in pain now wait tell the end
youll wish you where fucken dead
keep on wishing soon it will come true
needles and razor blades dig deep in to your breasts
you may want to hold your breath
as i hammer away on your every limb
gougeing out yoru eye sockets
jsut so i can fuck the holes
you think this is brutal
youv only enterd the half way mark
fisting the rotted hole from behind
after im done i chip away your teeth with a chizle
and make you suck on my cock
hack away on your torso
to hear you scream only turns me on

Once i jam this knife up your ass gasp for breath bitch for it shalt be your last
forced upon this cross, i finger your rotted anus tell blood spews from your mouth, gagging on my dick ill shove this spear though your fucken viginal crevist, bleeding vagina i begin to lick your privits, donkey punch your deformed head as my dick gets your pussy fed, filling you with my cum this is gona be a fetus forced death shave off every last bit of skin meet grind your gentitals now bleeding to death this rare condiction called necrophilea comes in to play as i rape and fuck your bloody corpse sodimiz you with meethooks fetch my mallet and bash your fucken head in devourment of the soul my fetus will rome your dead tormented body for ever inslaved in your womb it fest upon your intrails

Breath What You Bleed


Take one step in to your darkest dream, Take One breath and realitly will come unseen, This Knife will only enter if you scream,
The air is getting thick, Getting light headed and sick,
The blood in my vaynes over blow the ground, Laying sick and tierd in my own pile of blood not makeing a sound,
The screams in my head where herd, Now felling the pain of a darkend sheepard,
This blood fills the room even more. The air is getting thicker, My stregth has weakend and im getting sicker,
Laying in my own pile of blood death is near now breathing what i once bled
filling my lugs with the red substance around me

( THIS SONG IS NOT FINISHED YET I AM WORKING ON IT )

lood spewing from thy heart ripped open from the start mutilating the vile everything's been defilled blood splaterd on the walls walking down these sadowed halls children crying for there famileys are dieing chorus: cry of the apocolipse dead above the solar eclipse blacken world befor us all it's time for everyoen to take a fall unknown children of the light blinded and folded by the night sacrificing every soul as my knife enters your skull cry out to your god when your dead youll find out hes only a fraud cry of the apocoipse dead under the solar eclipse blacken hearts befor us all its time for your soul to fall beneth the chambers of hell lays the deaths of eveyone thats rebled

Shortly after this, a revelation was made that he had not gone to an english class since grade 8. He's 22 now. And as far as I know, that fag STILL hasn't.

 

[Plastic Nathrakh]

"A carnal, narcissistic relapsing demigod"
That was actually referring to the person committing the acts. What didn't make sense?

"coition"
"Co*i"tion\, n. [L. coitio, fr. coire to come together; co- + ire to go.] A coming together; sexual intercourse; copulation."

"More big words to describe you're raping someone. Next time, just change this verse to say "RAPE RAPE RAPE RAPE FUCK YEAH I LIKE RAPE""
Well its death metal man. What do you want?

"You can't revoke virginity."
"To void or annul by recalling, withdrawing, OR(!) reversing"

"...wouldn't you rather look at the vagina in awe?"
Been there done that.

"These lyrics are completely rhythm-less"
How-so? They have structure. They are constructed in that fashion aren't they?
They meld with the music? yes...

 

[Plastic Nathrakh]

Try another song. Defloration is quite an old one.

I don't see any resemblance to the rant you just posted.

 

[EricT]

I suppose you're right on coition, I had never heard it though. Must be new or something (hah). As for everything else, it still stands.

A carnal narcissist wouldn't exist in this manner. That combination would result in one who loved to stab himself in the cock while masturbating, essentially. Infatuated with one so much, that he could only have himself. Wouldn't never go after a virgin. You aren't withdrawing, recalling, or reversing virginity, btw. And please describe the structure to me? I'm not seeing it.

 

[EricT]

Try another song. Defloration is quite an old one.

I don't see any resemblance to the rant you just posted.

I've lost all will to read lyrics tonight. Thanks...

Maybe tomorrow.

 

[Plastic Nathrakh]

Well if you look at the lyrics, there are little "*"'s to denote when a repeated section takes place. The first section leading into the '*' would be verse one. After the section outlined in '*'s comes the ligament section. This brings the before into the next part. The section after that is verse 2. Afterwards, the stars denote repetition. Go back to the other '*'s. Again, after that is another ligament followed by a breakdown of sorts that also repeats. The rest would be elaborations of the breakdown.
The "*"'s are little pictures for the structurally impaired.

Try another song...please/

 

[EricT]

Repeating a verse is not structuring. That's just repeating a verse.

Anyway... as per request, we'll tackle this baby.

'Flesh Froth'
_________________________

I like froth. I prefer it with milk, but I suppose flesh is a nice option in the event the milk is spoiled and there's a dead hooker rotting in the garage. Let's see how this goes!

There were five of us
We've been stranded out here for days
They were starving and crying and hoping that someone would come and
save us today

You went from first person past tense to third person present tense. Biggest mistake yet!

But not to say
That I was unaffected

But you just told us that you were affected... or are effected. Or affected. What the fuck is going on?! Why did you have to tell us, them, yourself, the viewer, the listener, again
!?

But it seemed my thoughts were on something more important

Survival

Tends to be important, yes.

Famished, deprivation defined
Fatigue, takes it's toll on me
Everyone noticed the change in my temperament

Here we are again. From writing basic words in basic sentences, we've moved onto the classic "Let's hit the thesarus and word of the day calender and show them how intelligent death metal really is!"

Wandering endlessly into oblivion
I came to the conclusion that we should stop for the night
Appetence on the prowl

GOD DAMMIT, AGAIN. Appetence cannot prowl. YOU are on the prowl with a feeling, or in the state, of appetence. STOP DESTROYING MY FUCKING LANGUAGE!

**In contortions my hunger proceeds to take control
I try to interject but I am refused**

So your hunger started moving out of it's normal shape... interesting. Also, I believe we switched perspective again back a few lines.

Grabbed the first by his hair
Smashed his head in repeatedly with stones

You grabbed him by the hair, and then smashed his head with stones? Wouldn't it have been more effecient to grab his hair and smash him into a stone? Just sayin`.

The others overreacted and tried to attack me from behind

Overreacted? I believe they underreacted in this situation. Here you have a guy smashing stones into a guy's face, and what do you expect them to do? "Aww fuck it, that guy was a cocksucker anyway?"

I cut one of their throats, and the other two fled

With stones?

Giving chase exhilarated me
The swine always seem to be intolerant

Are we switching tense again? We might have come close here.

Quickly caught up to them
Soaked one in gasoline
The other I left alive
To watch him incinerate

God damn, considering you're stranded, you're quite well stocked up. I mean, why not just find an animal in this case. You have gasoline, you have stones, you have wood most likely, and since you lit him up, you apparently have a simple means of fire. Make a fucking camp fire and cook a god damn fish.

Rapidly dowsed the flames of my carrion

Carrion is decaying animal flesh. These human's haven't even had the chance to decay yet/at that point, and you are/were already gracing him with the title of carrion. Shame.

Chopped them all up in chunks and prepared my feast
The other one watched in horror

The other one is/was watching in horror still? Shit, why not walk away? Doesn't say you tied him up... I mean shit, if you had the rope to do that, stranded is definitely not how I would describe/have described this situation.

****

I threw their debris into a pot

You had/have a fucking pot too? Stranded my fucking ass. More like stuck in a sporting goods store after dark.

The flesh brewed up into a fine froth

Well, it's about time we got to/are at the fucking froth.

I bestially indulged
and felt a calling conscience
I shared my cuisine with the caught
He devoured it all with no convictions
A common defeat his freedom
Yet his fate lies in digest

Ok, so you feed/fed him and then you eat/ate him? Makes no sense. That's not good conscience, that's just wasting froth.

_________________________


fin

I'm glad you informed me.

 

[EricT]

I'm listening to the song now... This is hillariously bad. There is no structure vocally. The vocalist comes in and out as he pleases... speeds up when he feels like, extends a syllable here and there... Good for a laugh. Not that the drummer is helping him much though... he's all over the place.

 

[Plastic Nathrakh]

Firstly, that post made me laugh/laughed more than once out loud. But:

"You went from first person past tense to third person present tense. Biggest mistake yet!"
Its supposed to be in the form of narrator/perpetrator. They interchange throughout the song.

"But you just told us that you were affected"
No, I said "they" were affected. Then stated that I was effected, but in a different way.

"Famished, deprivation defined
Fatigue, takes it's toll on me
Everyone noticed the change in my temperament "
Which of these words did you find thesaurus needing? They're quite common words.

"Appetence cannot prowl"
Sure it can. Personification.

"STOP DESTROYING MY FUCKING LANGUAGE!"
By the sounds of things, I don't think you're quite as familiar with it as you think.

"Here you have a guy smashing stones into a guy's face, and what do you expect them to do?"
This argument should take in perspective. This guy is fucking crazy. Just saying. He believes it to be an overreaction.
Most of the other arguments are tense, which I've explained previously.


"With stones?"
I laughed.

"God damn, considering you're stranded, you're quite well stocked up."
Stranded means to be in a difficult situation. Its not like helicopters are dropping supplies out of the sky. These are common camping equipments. I live in Texas. We use gasoline.

"you have stones,"
These are considered stock? Maybe the guy found it? that was pretty dumb.

"carrion"
This word can also mean to be unfit for human food.

"you had/have a fucking pot too?"
Camping. Not too out there is it?

"I bestially indulged
and felt a calling conscience
I shared my cuisine with the caught
He devoured it all with no convictions
A common defeat his freedom
Yet his fate lies in digest"
This part refers to when the guy eats the people he cooked, but feels that the other one may just be as hungry as him. He "shares" it. Then the main guy just eats the other guy anyway. Yeah

 

[EricT]

Firstly, that post made me laugh/laughed more than once out loud. But:

"You went from first person past tense to third person present tense. Biggest mistake yet!"
Its supposed to be in the form of narrator/perpetrator. They interchange throughout the song.

That's just fucking stupid.

"Famished, deprivation defined
Fatigue, takes it's toll on me
Everyone noticed the change in my temperament "
Which of these words did you find thesaurus needing? They're quite common words.

Read the lyrics prior to that verse. You switch attitude. You went from straight to the point dialog by Cleatus Van Schmidt, to a thesis by Hannibal Lector.

"Appetence cannot prowl"
Sure it can. Personification.

Personification does not fix that. What you're looking for is Anthropomorphism, which it BARELY fits into.

"STOP DESTROYING MY FUCKING LANGUAGE!"
By the sounds of things, I don't think you're quite as familiar with it as you think.

I'm not the one writing about virgins excreting demigod semen or whatever the fuck you write about.

"Here you have a guy smashing stones into a guy's face, and what do you expect them to do?"
This argument should take in perspective. This guy is fucking crazy. Just saying. He believes it to be an overreaction.
Most of the other arguments are tense, which I've explained previously.

How the fuck was I supposed to know you switched perspective? You can't just switch perspective willy nilly and expect it to make sense.

"God damn, considering you're stranded, you're quite well stocked up."
Stranded means to be in a difficult situation. Its not like helicopters are dropping supplies out of the sky. These are common camping equipments. I live in Texas. We use gasoline.

They sure are common camping equipment. That's the problem. You were wandering... and... you had gasoline. You somehow got stranded camping (obviously out of the designated camping zone) and you're eating each other and burning each other? What the fuck is going on here. Clarify!

"you have stones,"
These are considered stock? Maybe the guy found it? that was pretty dumb.

Well, you had a stone to smash into some dudes face, I'm assuming, based on my experiences out in the wilderness, you may have had a stock of stones you collected in order to make a camp fire. Not that uncommon when you're camping.

"carrion"
This word can also mean to be unfit for human food.

Carrion does not mean that. Carrion is the rotting decrepit diseased corpse of a dead animal, be it by means of sacrifice or just plain roadkill. It is only assumed it's not fit for human's to eat, due to it's definition. And who the hell are you to tell us that humans are unfit for humans to eat? That's some strong judgment there!

"you had/have a fucking pot too?"
Camping. Not too out there is it?

About as far out there as stones being stocked in a pile. Really, you should have mentioned camping outside of the safe zone in the song. Would clarify A LOT.

"I bestially indulged
and felt a calling conscience
I shared my cuisine with the caught
He devoured it all with no convictions
A common defeat his freedom
Yet his fate lies in digest"
This part refers to when the guy eats the people he cooked, but feels that the other one may just be as hungry as him. He "shares" it. Then the main guy just eats the other guy anyway. Yeah

Right.

Jesus christ dude...