Things I wish metal bands would stop doing

[El Stormo]

I don't know if you guys agree, or if you've got more to add, but there's some things in metal that I'm getting really tired of. This is just a random rant, and I know bands aren't supposed to write what I like, but still,

- That pointless, uninteresting and completely unnecessary 15-second-to-a-minute intro at the beginning of a CD. I get it, your CD is 'atmospheric' and 'profound', but really, it's usually just 15 seconds to a minute of pointless noise or guitar plinking that serves no purpose whatsoever. I can accept an intro like this in rare cases, where it actually serves a purpose, like in Dreaming Neon Black (and I'm not saying this because it's the Neverboard), or in other concept albums where it's meaningful, like, say, Operation: Mindcrime, but in most cases, it's just pointless bullshit to add another tick to the track list.

- Even worse, those damn 'hidden tracks'. It wasn't special the first time, and now it's definitely a cuntish thing to do, especially if the 'hidden track' is just a few seconds of dumb noises or drunken band members slurring into the mic. Fuck you. Do bands do it to pad the CD length? Or do they really think it's a novel thing to do? I don't know, but I don't want to hear that shit, and I don't want to have to endure minutes of silence on your last track when the CD or mp3-list is set to shuffle just because you feel the need to include this kind of fucknuttery.

- Fade-outs. Those are so damn lazy. "Pft, I don't know how to end this song, just fade it out". Same goes for those long spoken word bits that take all of the momentum out of the music. If you want to narrate, there's plenty of blind people who'd love to have more audio books to listen to. If you want to add story to your concept album, great, stories and concept albums are awesome, but that's why your CD has a booklet.

- Vocalists who start an album with a falsetto "WhoooooOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAH!". The eighties are over, guys.

- Live solos. I'm not talking about a guitar solo incorporated into a song, those are the bee's knees, I'm talking about minute-long solos that's just one dude in the spotlight wheedly-wheedling with that typical nauseating orgasm face. We get it, all your band members are technical demigods, but solos are boring to most people. People who do like to watch people solo'ing for minutes on end have plenty of shows to go to just for that. Excessive yapping or introducing the band members like it's still the fucking eighties, same deal. Play fucking music and stop yakking, damn. It's mostly antiquados who sin against this, but some new bands do it too.

- Emergency vehicle siren noises. Especially aggravating if it's on a radio station because you have no idea it's coming. What's the problem, band, do you not want me to listen to your music in the car? Or are you secretly snickering every time I hear that noise and look behind me for an emergency vehicle barreling down the road?

- CD cases or digipaks that are just slightly oversized. I get that you want to give fans the opportunity to splurge on a big collector's box, but making your digipak just a few centimetres too wide provides no added value and just makes that shit a nightmare to store in a stack or a CD rack. I know this is, for a large part, the label that should be blamed for this, but eh.

- Releasing a CD in jewel case and digipak, and then re-releasing that CD again a few weeks later with added bonus tracks. Thanks, guys, for punishing me for buying your album on release. Again, probably the label's fault, but you know, while I'm at it...

- Oh, and rhyming "back" with "attack", Jeff Waters.

 

[Talking Backwards]

Using screamo vocals as some kind of validation that your band is both "heavy" and "modern", whether or not it actually manages to accomplish either. Especially if the band has a vocalist that can actually sing. Same thing applies to bands that have a typically heavier approach to the vocals already, and then veer off into whiney, emo choruses for that "Opeth dichotomy" that was relatively new in 1998.

Also, who is in your avatar? At a distance, it sorta looks like Garrus.

 

[El Stormo]

Oh yeah, those clean pseudo-emotiuonal whiney choruses are one of the reasons I'm not a fan of Opeth.

And no, it's my PAYDAY2 avatar, Houston, wearing a hockey mask. I asked Garrus to be in my avatar but he was busy, something to do with calibrations, apparently.

 

[H.P. Lovecraft]

I disagree with a some of your complaints, but I'm on board other than that. I'm personally sick to death of all these pseudo-edgy black metal musicians who offer nothing intellectually and just masturbate over the word "Satan" without having any actual devotion to the devil. The problem isn't even the stuff I mentioned above in and of itself, it's that that bullshit starts ruining the music, when they start caring about posing for the camera more than they care about producing some quality music and black metal. People like Gaahl and King Ov Hell are this problem personified.

 

[Dead Winter]

Sick of brutal death metal. It's done, stick a fork in it. There's nothing that's not been done that can still be called brutal death metal, so let's admit that it's all nostalgia at this point. I enjoy some classic brutal death metal bands because I grew up with them, but pretty much anything now is derivative of them.

Sick of American heavy rock/metal. Everyone sounds the fucking same. Everyone has this post-grunge baritone voice over a drop-tuned Les Paul with the same amplifier and effects. It's like they all share the same rig or something. The songs are either about "the troops" or a girl or some melodramatic bullshit. It's like the only two bands they've ever listened to in their entire lives were Metallica and Alice in Chains.

The polka beat. Thrash metal, particularly European thrash, has completely ruined an entire genre of music by allowing their drummers to be lazy and unimaginative with that goddamn DU PA DU PA DU PA beat. It's a placeholder for playing fast for people who can't play fast, and it has worn out its welcome. If I hear that fucking beat on any thrash album these days, I immediately turn it off and hate the band.

Black Sabbath-worshiping stoner bands.

 

[MegadeV]

Having different versions of CDs in different countries (bonus track for the Japan version).

 

[~Lynn~]

Sick of American heavy rock/metal. Everyone sounds the fucking same. Everyone has this post-grunge baritone voice over a drop-tuned Les Paul with the same amplifier and effects. It's like they all share the same rig or something. The songs are either about "the troops" or a girl or some melodramatic bullshit. It's like the only two bands they've ever listened to in their entire lives were Metallica and Alice in Chains.

^ This..... and bro metal. I wish 5 finger ass punch would stop breathing.
...and shitty digital recording. Go find a nice fucking room, set up some real amps with real microphones and push some real fucking air around with some real reverb.

 

[CiG]

- Vocalists who start an album with a falsetto "WhoooooOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAH!". The eighties are over, guys.

Fuck you.

 

[Talking Backwards]

You can blame Nickelhack for the limp American rock sound.

 

[nckissfan]

Having different versions of CDs in different countries (bonus track for the Japan version).

I agree with this. I like collecting, but come on. Some bands offer songs on the Japan version that don't come on any other version. Same goes for the Euro version. They should offer the extra song for sale for $.99 after main cd purchase, have a code or something.

 

[craptastic]

I'm more annoyed by everything being almost completely tour based. It's the Internet fault.

It's been a long time since a metal band has blown me away with their cd release. The last time I got knocked on my ass was This Godless Endeavor.

So much sounds generic, over produced and overly digital. Seems like there aren't many bands just aching to get back into the studio with an album loaded with gold from start to finish. Feels and sounds like they record just so they can go on tour an earn a well deserved living, but the experience of buying a CD that a band slaved to record just to be heard...is gone.

When I see a band I dig release an album and relentlessly tour for 2 years with minimal breaks and head right back to the studio after a short break...how the fuck can you have the right desire to create something genuine?

Sanctuary's latest was great like this, an absence with pent up musical brilliance... but not being able to walk into a store and buy the cd dying from anticipation sucked. Instead I waited for the fucking mail man to drop it in my mailbox after he spent the first 4 hours of his morning leaving welfare checks in mailboxes.

Now you just go on iTunes, or order cd's from a shit website and wait 10-14 days for it to fucking show up, then catch the band as they roll through town at the middle or end of an 8 month tour and everyone is fucking spent and just wants a break.

 

[Dead Winter]

I think you're remembering these bands with rose-tinted glasses. There are only a handful of albums in the history of rock and metal "loaded with gold from start to finish".

Do you know what I mostly remember about the CD age (and cassettes when we were too poor and young to buy CDs)? I remember drooling all over these bands for months, sometimes years, buying every single magazine I saw them in, staying up late to watch Headbanger's Ball and praying they'd be on it, waiting in line at the record store to get a copy before they sold out, etc., BUT...do you know what sticks out the most?

Disappointment. Albums with two or three solid songs on it and the rest filler. I remember having to weigh my options between buying the CD from this band or that band because there was no way to listen to the CD beforehand, and since internet listening wasn't even invented yet, not even on Amazon (I used to listen to the song snippets on each album on Amazon to see if it was worth it), you had to blindly buy it, cross your fingers and hope for the best. I wasted so much money buying shitty albums from good bands in the 90s and even 00s because there was no internet to push them to write great music for fear of having to get a side job and not be able to completely live off their music alone, as if that's such a terrible thing.

No, the internet made bands better, even if it broke the industry. Bands are releasing shorter albums now, sometimes even just EPs, but there's not a single filler song on them.

I understand that the days of playing arenas and getting rich and being able to waste 6 months in a recording studio on a label's dime are things that are sorely missed, and it's true that there's no room for developing a band anymore or helping them grow from the industry perspective, but any musician who wants to play music to be a rock star can fuck off and die. Play music because you love playing music because there's no integrity left as soon as big money comes into the picture. Bands whining because they can't live solely off their music are the same bands who are releasing shitty albums; they're whining because they can't fuck over their fans anymore with mediocre albums for 20 bucks a pop.

 

[Shpongled]

you had to blindly buy it, cross your fingers and hope for the best.

One day in 1999, I walked into my local CD store and found this album with a pointy, jagged logo and blue cover with a bat-looking beast with a long squiggly tail. Looked like the real deal to me, so I bought it blindly. When I first listened to it, it was OK but not mind blowing. Eventually I heard Cryptopsy's older albums and loved them. I went back to this blue album I'd bought and set aside and listened again. Totally rediscovered it. It was a long-con on myself ultimately, but Whisper Supremacy is definitely they best blind buy I've ever made. Such a sick album and I've loved Cryptopsy ever since. I miss record stores. Waiting months for that import CD you paid $50 for to finally show up.

 

[nckissfan]

yeah, record stores were fun! there was a really cool indie shop in my city. The guy that ran it was super cool, and liked much of the same stuff I do. So, he knew when I walked in, he would say "hey, give this cd a try". He was rarely wrong. That is a industry that will never return. The internet has ruined a lot of brick and morter/mom and pops stores in that aspect. There are still some survivors, more so in the bigger cities, I am sure.

 

[El Stormo]

It was a long-con on myself ultimately, but Whisper Supremacy is definitely they best blind buy I've ever made.

Yeah, you could get crazy lucky with blind buys, but you could get shafted as well. That was the thing about record stores, it was a bit of a roulette every time you bought a CD. It was always a gamble, but that made those lucky buys all the more fun. I still love going to a CD store and having the owner tell me, "'hey, try this, this might be your taste", like nckissfan says, and you really can't beat the feeling of going through a rack of CDs and letting the store owner give this or that CD a whirl. On the other hand, when you look at it purely rationally, it's hard to say that being able to listen to a CD before buying it and being able to order it online in an instant isn't an improvement.

I certainly agree with DW that those 'rock stars' whining about not being able to live off their music are usually the same jackasses that keep bringing out mediocre CDs and coasting on their names, but on the other hand, you can't deny that piracy is hurting newer bands. I don't give a shit if you download AC/DC's newest repetition project (except that I'll seriously question your taste in music), but people pirating CD's by local or new bands does piss me off.

 

[nckissfan]

the store that I mentioned allowed you to listen to every single cd they had in stock, through headphones. You could sit down and listen. I loved it, it saved me from buying a lot of crap I wouldn't have liked. I was sad to see the store close. He just couldn't stay afloat amid the online stores. I hate it for him, he was a really nice dude, and loved all sorts of music, not just metal

 

[lorinc]

I certainly agree with DW that those 'rock stars' whining about not being able to live off their music are usually the same jackasses that keep bringing out mediocre CDs and coasting on their names, but on the other hand, you can't deny that piracy is hurting newer bands. I don't give a shit if you download AC/DC's newest repetition project (except that I'll seriously question your taste in music), but people pirating CD's by local or new bands does piss me off.

To be honest, local or newer band are often releasing their stuff for free on youtube or bandcamp or whatever. I'm not sure (and never was) immaterial music files have any financial value. Also, I never bought as many CDs as since I can listen to them entirely on youtube. It's probably because i have much more money now than in the 90s, but it's more likely to be because you have less fear to spend you money. You figure before hand if the stuff is good enough. That and the fact that you discover so much more bands and albums, much much more than during the golden age of magazines with demo CDs.

The best lucky blind buy for me so far was Continuum by Prototype. Amazing band and excellent album. Blood on Ice by Bathory was also a blind buy and made me buy the entire discography at the time, then Destroyer of Worlds came and mehh...

 

[Dead Winter]

I'd say the best blind buy with a recommendation by the store manager (and this was a CD chain store) was Zyklon's World ov Worms. Totally nailed it.

 

[craptastic]

I wouldn't go that far to say I'm rememberin releases with rose colored glasses and definitely wouldn't say the Internet made bands better because they couldn't rely on CD sales.

This genre didn't make a killing on CD's unless you were one of the big 10, but these bands were still worth something to labels. Not so much today, instead you get the same group of engineers producing cookie cutter albums that all sound the same, or the band is so strapped that the cd is mediocre at best and it's all about getting back on the road relying on their back catalogue.

The industry fucking sucks..and it's the Internets fault.

As for the rose colored glasses, well we all have our favorite bands. Certain bands could almost do no wrong in my eyes at that time when I had no choice but to go to the record store, sit down and sample album after album and find 5 discs at a time to buy. There isn't a single music store in my area. I can go to Walmart or Target, that's it. How fucking pathetic is that?

Mp3, YouTube, all fucking suck. The quality sucks.

There really is no need to write an amazing album for bands with a 2-3+ catalog to get back on the road and tour. They shouldn't have to be on the road almost year round to make a living.

 

[CiG]

Fuck the industry, the internet has made it possible for independent labels to flourish and I'd trade that for all the corporate labels in the world.