"You know you're a viking if...."

[Dead_Lioness]

hello everyone!
I havn't been here in so long (what's up AA guys? )
And I'm here on a mission that I am sure you will be the only ones who can really help me with...
I need to give a 30 minute speech for school, about the Vikings. Mainly Norse Mythology, and saga...
now, I already have the entire speech done...
but to end it with some humor, I am thinking to do: "you know you're a viking if..." lines and end my speech in good spirits.
I can't think of more funny ones.......
so far I have:

You know you’re a Viking if: a hammer for you is a fashion item

You know you’re a Viking if: you wear nothing but your vest when it’s 0 degrees outside and for you it’s a pleasant day.

You know you’re a Viking if you remember all the name of your gods and your weapons but not all the names of the woman you have children with

"you know you're a viking if... you hollow out a sealion to make some shoes out of then store the blubber in your belt pouch as lip gloss"

I need more!!!
come on..........help a lioness out?

 

[Aris801]

Your beard is longer then your dick.

 

[Bates]

You know you’re a Viking if: you wear nothing but your vest when it’s 0 degrees outside and for you it’s a pleasant day.

LOL, I got yelled at a couple of weeks ago for that. And I can't think of anything to add to this

 

[Tyra]

You might be a viking if…
-you brush your teeth with mead, because it was easier to find than clean water.
-you see a mother tenderly picking a splinter out of her son's hand with a sword.
-"Two helmets, Sutton-Hoo style preferred" appears on your wedding registry, and at the wedding, you cut your wedding cake with a sword.
-you use a shield for a baby gate.
-your children show better manners with live steel than they do with a fork and their teacher complains that their handwriting is so bad that it's illegible, but when you examine it, you find it's norse runes.
-you sport a chain mail weave sunburn.
-you're at Home Depot answer the sales rep's question "What are you doing with all that wire?" with "I'm knitting a skirt." and you use sand to clean it (I think you might have to be SCAdian to get that one&#8230.

 

[Dead_Lioness]

You might be a viking if…
-you brush your teeth with mead, because it was easier to find than clean water.
-you see a mother tenderly picking a splinter out of her son's hand with a sword.
-"Two helmets, Sutton-Hoo style preferred" appears on your wedding registry, and at the wedding, you cut your wedding cake with a sword.
-you use a shield for a baby gate.
-your children show better manners with live steel than they do with a fork and their teacher complains that their handwriting is so bad that it's illegible, but when you examine it, you find it's norse runes.
-you sport a chain mail weave sunburn.
-you're at Home Depot answer the sales rep's question "What are you doing with all that wire?" with "I'm knitting a skirt." and you use sand to clean it (I think you might have to be SCAdian to get that one…).

haha absolutely excellent!!
Thanks!

 

[Trashhead]

- Your friend is panicking because he sees a bear attacking you and you have to reassure them it's just your new cape?

 

[Trashhead]

-You pick your teeth with a spear

 

[Thrymfal]

do them like those lame jeff foxworthy jokes everyone loves. "If you get made fun of for not killing children....you might be a Viking"

 

[Irish Viking]

if you know the answer to "what has four legs, one hand and his happily munching"

if you consider a near fatal sword wound, "just a flesh would"

if your motto is not to fight for your own life, but to fight for your enemies DEATH!

you check for stray arrow fire when you hear "watch out, loki!"

if you find the thought of lying in a pool of your own blood, minutes from death, on a cold shore with your steel shoved in an enemy appealing



also about the 0 degrees thing, im living in slovenia now wiht my girlfriend, and i am from the far north of ireland, and well my summers are colder than their winters, and i CANT STAND the temperatures here!, i can ALWAYS go out in the height of winter with a t-shirt on, and i get stared at by everybody!!, and my gf always tries to get me to wear a coat or something, i mean, 5 degrees is NOT that cold!, i can wear a t-shirt easily in it!

 

[Erzebeth.Rouge]

i mean, 5 degrees is NOT that cold!, i can wear a t-shirt easily in it!

Totally agree on that! here in quebec, give us a 5degree in autumn we might call it a fresh day, but give us a 5 degree in spring, its a warm day lol

 

[Bates]

If it's above freezing, it's "shirt optional" weather in my book.

 

[Erzebeth.Rouge]

we are all vikings!

 

[Bates]

Only in the summer, the rest of the time I'm a farmer

 

[Erzebeth.Rouge]

^^

 

[Erzebeth.Rouge]

what season vikings are raiding?

 

[IcedMaidenAllica]

what? this is stupid

 

[Erzebeth.Rouge]

i mean.. working the fields and all is made during summer and harvest in fall, that gives the raids in winter through spring right?

 

[Bates]

Actually, my best understanding is they generally raided in the summer. Spring is planting, calfing, etc; fall is harvest time, but for the most part, summer was just basically maintaining the fields, herding the animals... stuff you could leave to the thralls. So it was an ideal time to get together with the rest of the free men of your area and go on an expedition to get those things which were hard to come by locally, whether by trading or raiding. Winter raids were not totally unknown, but the impression I get is that they were usually more of a military invasion in nature as opposed to the "smash and grab" of a raid where the main objective was to gather as many valuables as possible, and head for home. Oh, and don't forget to burn the church, because that's what vikingr do, right?

You know, looking back on this, I can't even tell if I used actual sources or if I just paraphrased "Gods of War Arise".

 

[Erzebeth.Rouge]

hehe
the song is good but i think we would still need see what Tyra have to say about it


(totally off subject of a already derived subject... Im accepted to university in History program ^^ still waiting the answer for Arts program though)

 

[Tyra]

Tyra concurs with The Bates. It's very difficult to sail in solid ice. Summer is best.