Your defining moment (so far)

[Kushantaiidan]

Originally posted by godisanathiest
What a cheerful topic. All I can really say is respect Kushantaiidan, I wouldn't feel comfortable talking about stuff like that twith my closest friends So I have a hell of a lot of respect for you being able to say that to everyone. Thanks

Thank you...

I feel sorry for those who have similar problems, but have a hard time opening up to others. But I find it easy to do this on the internet. Thank you everyone for all your support.

 

[Kushantaiidan]

Originally posted by Xtokalon
Kush,

thanks for entrusting me with this info- i'm not sure if it matters anyway. Sorry about the delay of this-- got caught up in domestic matters.

Just quick a jot:

Up till now I have been attempting to "corner" your "will" so to speak, to get it to 1) clarify itself, recognizie its own self-belittlements and 2) upon *1* get you to more rigorously effort to do what's already in accordance to your own will. This has entailed ridding one of confusions that immobilize your life, and in psychology sometimes this means letting someone- in essence letting yourself - relieve yourself of certain personality conflicts that prevent you from getting beyond this inertia. For you it seems to center on your social conflicts-- your mother who was abused and abuses you and the fact that you place an unhealthy amount of responsibility on them rather than focus on the brute neccesities of your current situation.

I did feel somewhat cornered at some points, but the technique worked, and you are very good at it. You've made me think about things on my own.

I now realize your problem is not psychological so long as you realize that you're not nihilistic, and that given a viable option you'd rather not be "bumming out", and have "direction and motivation" You'd rather not be a source of pain to your mother, and you do wish to change---- but have tried already, have failed already.

Exactly. That's what I mean when I say I've given up. That's exactly what I've done, given up against my own will. I've been failing and it makes me tired.

The way I see it, your problem is one part psychological and 3 parts purely practical-- i am hypothesizing. If you were rich, etc, would you be having the problems that you have? Or would you be "normal"?

I know for a fact money wouldn't change things. They are just material possesions. But it doesn't mean I don't want things. But to contradict myself, a lot of my pronblems could be solved with money, moving out or needing to work for example.

You seem to have "fled" into your own nook and cranny (to be funny about it). It's a form of escapism-- taking flight from the more difficult aspects of living the world and finding comfort in simplicity. You already recognize that life is not easy-- it's difficult, but your percieve yourself as weak. You are "defeatist"

That's true. I just wanna hide here and do what I want when I want in my little hole. But I realize that that doesn't work, so I'm gonna have to get out of this hole somehow.

As a "psychologist" I can't do anything about this except prescribe drugs (such as weed ) that might help you sustain the phsycical effects of melancholy, and fortify your morale in some way. What you need is help of the practical kind. You need people to help you get good jobs, or do well in school, which are extremely difficult things. I can't offer any solid advice concerning this, but it's one of those things about existence isnt' it? Those difficulties that we perchance overcome to survive and see something utterly beautiful-- utterly "unregrettable"-- this is not psychiatry, this is philosophy. It's your life. <<---- this contingent on whether "being rich" would cancel your present problems.

I've been on drugs, a few actually. None had a desirable effect. And practical help is hard to find. But luckily I have two of the greatest friends on the planet to help me. we help each other. The problem is we are all quite fucked in the head.

One more thing: what is your relationship to your girlfriend? Do you think she has a bad influence on you? Maybe she is the reason why you have lost the motivation to do well in school? A psychologist Jose Ortega y gasset (not sure about this name) wrote that love is a neurosis of attention-- you fall in love, and all your resources get depleted to that single object.

Tell me about your girl. Maybe she is to blame for your present inertia?

later (going to sleep now)

My girlfriend... I'd be dead by now if it wasn't for her. She is the most loving person I have ever met, and loves me unconditionally. And there is never a second in my life, no matter how down I am, that I forget about her. She seems to feel pretty helpless, and I think she is also about to read this thread. lol. HELLO FIONA.. that's her name. But she is always there dor me and helps me in everyway that she can.

She is most definately to blame.