A Question About Having Few "Friends"

[MetalManCPA]

If my memory serves me correct - based on past postings, not too many here have lots of people they consider friends. So - why is that? Is it internal or external?


EXTERNAL:
Are you looked at by others as strange? Do people see you as distant, thus, they don't try to approach you? Is it because of others that you have a small circle of people you really know? Do you want to know a lot of people, but they avoid you?

OR

INTERNAL:
Do you purposefully push people away to keep that distance? Is it something you work at - to protect your space; to protect your individuality? Do you hate people in general, thus, you are very cautious at "getting to know" people - because your experience is that at a future point in time, you'll REALLY find out what someone you know is like?

For me - it's the latter. I avoid the social life - because I don't find enough out there to make it interesting. I like the bubble I've created - I'll let people in when I want to. I consider it a waste of time to exert effort into making "friends", because most people turn out to be a dissapointment.

 

[Kittarin]

um...... i just woke up and your deep, intellectual questions are hurting my head... or maybe that's the alcohol from last night

just wanted to let you know that i like your posts. yes, that's right... i have nothing to add to this thread besides the fact that i like your posts. you seem to have a real interest in human nature. are you a psychiatrist? i think you should be. maybe you can be the forum psychiatrist and tell us all we're nuts... ok, just me... i'm nuts.

um... i like your posts

i need asprin....

 

[Phyros]

Well, I dunno about why, but I do have lotsa "acquaintances", which I think is normal... I do also think that one thing Steve Harris wrote in the song "the apparition" from the fear of... album is very true for friendship when it comes to me...

"never turn your back on friends, ´Cause you can count you own true friends on one hand -through life"

When thinking about it.. I might me a hard person to get along with due to my principles, and my habit of never breaking them, plus the fact that I can be a rather anoying person due to my constantly changing temper... I am aware of it, but frankly put, i cannot help it. If something anoys me then I get pissed! That´s why I like the internet, because it gives me time to think before I do something (like post an utter meaningless post about how much someone sucks), in real life, I haven´t got the time...

Just my cents

-phyros, over and out.

 

[Melancholia]

very interesting thread

I guess it the latter for me,too...
I have been thinking much about it lately (yeah i am in "overanalyzing myself" period again )..I have always been shy and i actually never had many real friends..

For me one can only have very few good friends... Being shy and introvert i have always prefered to get to know just a few people who I find interesting for several reasons.There is no need to know many people and having superficial discussions and stuff,i find this is a way of time and mostly tiring...It's better to give all my devotion and devotion to the few ones who deserve it

Furthermore the only pelace where i can meet new people at this period of time is my university,which unfortunately is full of people (sorry this is a stupid generalizations but a short answer has to be somehow general) who have a completely different way of living than mine... I have met and have many discussions with several of these people but with a few exception i never found anything so interesting about them that would make want to have a deeper/closer contact with them.I don't imply i am superior or sth,I just mean that these people are totally different from what i am and we don't have many things in common and consequently they don't understand my way of thinking as i don't understand theirs.

Maybe i am sort of afraid of people,cause yes many of the people i've met in the past turned out to be a bitter disappointment... That's probably why I prefer to keep a bit distance from others and from people that approach me until i am a bit of more sure about them,casue I don't like creating "friendships" and ruin them,it's tiring.

I can't say i hate people,though i have caught myself getting disgusted by them at many occasions...But still there are many interesting people on this planet...people not only for having fun with but also worth to trust and share your feelings,thoughts,beliefs.... Luckily enough i know such people (very few,but i am very grateful) and i hope one day i will meet some others,too....

 

[tenebrose]

I agree. I have enough acquointances, but not many close friends and I know it's because I'm introvert and I'm not willing to change that. Previously I didn't have that many acquointances either, so I decded that I needed to do something about the way I present myself to people, and apparently it worked, because I "know" a whole lot of new people... but I don't open up to many. More open up to me than the other way around, but generally we're on equal terms on what our relation means. There's the heavy metal crowd... neither of us really expect to get anything from each other, which works out very well. We sit around, have fun, and I'm one of the gang (although they're still surprised on occasion... in particular when I know songs by bands like Gwar, or any otherwise very offensive lyrics). Then there're the classmates, with whom I was a definite outsider earlier, and now have started being more and more one of the gang, while keeping the outsider status. They don't know where they have me.

There are other groups... old friends from before I turned ten, the black-clad maffia, occultists, boyfriend's friends, ex boyfriend's friends... over all, though, I think that, including my boyfriend... I have about four or five people I could go to if I needed to talk. Well, there are more willing to listen, I suppose, but they wouldn't talk to me, so I don't talk to them. I guess it's a matter of taking a first step there, and realising that we've grown (we've known each other for 10 years, in both of these cases) and so has our friendship.

Yep, definitely the latter.

 

[ricochet]

It's also the latter for me. I don't approach people and try to start conversations therefore I never really get to know anyone. I don't want to really understand my peers as of right now. I am still in high school so I probably wouldn't keep in contact with these so-called friends when I go to college. I believe, hopefully, that college is where I will meet my true friends. The people directly around me at school right now are just too close-minded and have nothing in common with me really.

I am very lucky to have one person that I feel I can really trust and tell him anything. I have a major trust issue with people and whether they will be true friends and not turn around behind my back and talk badly about me or tell my business to everyone. This makes making new friends very difficult.

I also think that most people are boring(at least to me.) There is no one that I can really discuss things of interest to me who will give me feedback. I try to avoid most of the conversations I am around on a daily basis.

I definitely think I also try to keep my own space and not let others invade it. I don't let people get too close to me and know everything I am thinking. Even the people I talk to on a more regular basis really have no clue who I really am. It's better that way, really. They never know what I am truly thinking.

I just hope people will be different in college. If not, I think I'll be pretty damn lonely for the rest of my life. I know there are people like me out there, and I will find them.

 

[Belial]

It is a bit of both for me.

I don't actively go out and try to make friends, because I am horrible at holding a conversation. I noticed that when I try to hold a conversation I talk too much, too loud, too often, and I usually say the wrong things, so I'm making it a habbit to just keep my big mouth shut and listen.

On the flip side, a lot of people also tend to judge me unfavorably for superficial things like my appearence, my taste in music, and my sexuality. I don't regret people who avoid me for these reasons because they are fuckin morons and not worth my attention in the first place. I actually find it amusing how some people put my personality in a box of preconceptions, and I find it even more amusing when they talk to me and I almost instantly shatter that box. I've actually left a person speechless once.

Anyway, I have aquaintences, but no one I'd consider a "friend".

 

[Juggie]

Im able to talk to almost anyone at my school. But no-one is interested in what I am, so I usually hang out alone out of school.
Somone talks bad about me, I could care less... What they say is simply vibrations of your ear drum.

 

[dune_666]

For me its both, as in Belial's case. I have been told that I project a "fuck off" attitude, even without speaking to the person who observes it. Also, my appearance is something of a contradiction I suppose, which I think confuses people. I grew up in an all black neighborhood, but I listen to metal, so as a result I look like House of Pain crossed with Marduk (sans the corpse paint of course). Even if people are able to get past the afore mentioned road blocks, 9 times out of 10 I don't like them anyway, so its all moot. I'm demanding of my friends, and people in general, so that combined with external projections are why my "true" friends are few and far between.

 

[lumen]

Both for me too.

People often think I'm a snob because I'm quiet and self-contained and appear unapproachable at first. Though I think this is lessening as I age.
Some people have even been afraid of me because of the way I look, dress. etc. That seems to be wearing off with age too though.

I've never gone out of my way to find friends and I don't think I've ever made any real effort to get to know anyone better. Usually it's the other person's persistence that gets a friendship going, and before I know it they've wormed their way into my life. And then I have too many people getting close, competing for my time and attention, and I end up in the middle of a great big emotional mess. I don't think having a lot of intimate friends actually works, at least not for me. So if I've made one new year's resolution, it's to work even harder at keeping people at a distance, so there are less claims on me and way less heartache.

 

[Lina]

Originally posted by metalmancpa
Is it internal or external?

Actually, neither!

I don't look the least bit metal or goth or "weird" (aside from the occasional band shirt). I smile when I make eye contact with people. I say hi when passing a stranger on the sidewalk. I'm exceedingly polite and empathetic. There's nothing unapproachable about me.

And I'm not putting up a barrier either. I TRY to get to know people...I just never meet anyone whose personality I can stand. Call me egotistical, but everyone seems like a cliche to me. Most people are so naive/uninformed about the world and would prefer to get drunk 24/7 (at least on a college campus). The few who DO pay attention to politics are unrealistic, anti-everything-corporate, Nader types, which is just another form of ignorance. I've joined campus groups, even a fucking sorority, in an effort to make friends. Hated them all and dropped out.

I want friends. But I want friends with similar interests...and those people are very few and far between.

 

[MetalManCPA]

Originally posted by Lina
Actually, neither!

I don't look the least bit metal or goth or "weird" (aside from the occasional band shirt). I smile when I make eye contact with people. I say hi when passing a stranger on the sidewalk. I'm exceedingly polite and empathetic. There's nothing unapproachable about me.

And I'm not putting up a barrier either. I TRY to get to know people...I just never meet anyone whose personality I can stand. Call me egotistical, but everyone seems like a cliche to me. Most people are so naive/uninformed about the world and would prefer to get drunk 24/7 (at least on a college campus). The few who DO pay attention to politics are unrealistic, anti-everything-corporate, Nader types, which is just another form of ignorance. I've joined campus groups, even a fucking sorority, in an effort to make friends. Hated them all and dropped out.

I want friends. But I want friends with similar interests...and those people are very few and far between.

I am one of the friendliest people I know. I too will say hi, spark conversation etc. But when I say I purposefully avoid being social - it's more of an intangeable. Because of my age, being married, etc., life dictates I don't have "time" to go out and socialize anyways. But I guess unlike you, I have no desire for friends - for the exact reasons on what you've seen in life so far, and the failures you've encountered in trying to find those friendships. I guess my extra 20 years of experience dealing with this has made me realize that time is precious, and it's better spent doing things that I enjoy - one of which is NOT seeking out friendships. I am always open to let friendships in - but I think I have good judgement in guiding a relationship along that I feel should go farther than an"acquantance".

Plus - my "external" look has nothing to do with this - it's more of my "external" being - that aura that jumps out at people. It's the "way" I am.

The one thing I've noticed about most people I know - is that their "bubble" of life does not intersect mine. Maybe it's my values and judgement that's messed up - but it's mine. I come first. I just naturally will not compromise myself for others.

Does any of the above make sense?

 

[Belial]

Originally posted by metalmancpa

Plus - my "external" look has nothing to do with this - it's more of my "external" being - that aura that jumps out at people. It's the "way" I am.

A lot of people say I have an aura of sadness and negativity. One person told me that when I'm sitting alone I might was well say to everyone: "If you have absolutely nothing good to say about anyone or anything, come sit next to me."

Another person commented that because of the vibes I put off, he never asks me how I feel because he's afraid I might tell him.

That's silly, though, because I'm actually a light-hearted person, even when I look at you like I'm seeing you in your grave and about to throw dirt on your corpse.

 

[Obyeybyeogone]

I never jump into people's conversations, unless it's about videogames, computer games, music (that I like), or a TV show I watch. Even though I like paintball the majority of the people who play it are asses and I don't join in on paintball conversation. So, consequently, all my friends are either Simpsons fanatics or computer gamers, since I have yet to hear a conversation about good music to jump into. People rarely engage in conversation with me long enough to get to know me, due to my absolute lack of smalltalking abilities.

Them: So what's up?
Me: Nothing really (my answer everytime..)
Them: O, (insert random banter)
Me: Yep..
Them: .... (They either stop talking or go talk to someone else)

It's not that I don't want to talk to anyone, it's just that I can't smalltalk, I absolutely lack the skill. One of my friends is only my friend because we talked about the simpsons often enough that we started talking about other stuff, if I can't immediately make an interest connection I have nothing to say and they stop talking to me, I don't really care I guess, I just listen to what other people are saying, which usually consist of "So and so was wearing this today" "Frankie broke up with Sally" "Yo yo yo hay yo it's tupac!" "fuck fuck fuckity fuck if I fucking say fuck enough i'll be fucking cool." I guess my point is most people aren't worth talking to.

 

[Vortex]

I'll bring up a point here about "finding" friends...

I don't necessarily look for friends to accompany my personality. I like losing myself while with my friends and having something new together. Sometimes in good company you feel you all become one. Then again it might be my personality is quite stretching, but I like it that way. I don't like having strong ideals.

 

[Lina]

Originally posted by Vortex
I don't like having strong ideals.

This does seem to be the key to having friends, but I just can't be that way. It's not even a choice, it's just my personality.

Originally posted by Oyo
"fuck fuckity fuck if I fucking say fuck enough i'll be fucking cool."

 

[loudsilence]

I think for me it is a little bit of both, internal and external. I am a quiet person and shy so people have a hard time coming up to me and talking. But once I do get to know someone I actually do say a few words, hehe. A lot of people say I look mad or mean or serious so that might be another reason people are cautious to approach me. Here's another example of me being so quiet, I could have written more but I just don't feel like it...

 

[Obyeybyeogone]

Hence your name?

 

[moonchild]

the thing is i really hate chit chat, unless i have something to say i just won't bother trying, i hate the awkward silences which always seem to happen when i'm talking to someone i don't know well, there's always a few lines of conversation i can initiate but after they've died the silence kicks in, most people would talk about tv or something, but i dont watch very much tv and when i do its not the kind of things most other people do and i'm terrible at telling stories and jokes and things anyway, and when theres a few people around and theyre talking to each other even if i do have something to say i tend not to interrupt, all the firends i have had in the past i havent sought out, it just happened that maybe because they were in a similar situation to me with similar interests we kind of connected, and there was always a sort of thing going where i felt completely comfortable to talk about anything, i knew my boundaries with them, how far i could push them, i had a group of about 7 friends at school, although only about 2 of them i would say i would class as true friends, the others were more than acquaintances, but i didnt have the same degree of connection with them, with my two "true friends" i didnt feel any sort of pressure to impress them, i felt they knew exactly what i was, who i was and there was no point of bullshitting them, we could talk for hours about nothing and we respected each other
right now i would say i have no friends, there are people i talk to when we're together, but i wouldnt go out of my way to meet up with them or anything, i wont let them close or know what i'm really like because i dont want them to judge me, not that i really care want they think, its just easier not to...

 

[E V I L]

I guess I'll add my bit.

I've always had a circle of friends, and at least two persons to whom I can confide almost anything, say anything etc. About half the people who are "more than aquaintances" of mine are people who sought me as a friend; the other half I actively sought. Otherwise, I don't really go out "seeking" friendships, which always seemed like such an alien concept. It's a passive thing, ie., if I'm at where you're at, I like you, you like me, and we find something diverting about our society, then good-- maybe we'll repeat it, outside of work, for lunch, on weekends, on the phone etc.

Other than this, I'm extremely solitary. I'd much rather do nothing by myself than go out on a ski trips with a bunch people-- can't tell you how habitual this kind of thing is with me-- sometimes my friends have to kidnap me, hehe, to get me to go out with them.

I guess, to make a long story short, I need solitude. I can't live without it. It composes me. Without solitude I begin to deterioate spiritually. Solitude even applies to this board. In fact, the only reason why I keep posting here like an idiot is because, quite frankly, I'm addicted, though it robs me of precious time. I need long bouts of isolation, otherwise I go insane. I truly, truly need to be alone sometimes.

On a related note, just to get this off my back, I've had about two great circles of "BFF's" (best friends forever). Both of them collapsed.

At my age, it's strange. I don't go for "deep" relationships. They tire me out, and they burn up quickly. I find the theory "opposites" attract compelling. Something about the respect of a person, guy or girl, who may be completely opposite of me, though equally strong and confident, more rewarding. It's the only way I can be with another while being "alone" at the same time.

These days I don't care much for friends. In fact, I had like two monumental, friendship-ending arguments lately. Somehow I view it as neccesary to my growth. No regrets. So I'm basically chilling now with the rest of you, with a shit load on my mind and with no time to reflect on them in all the classic ways I'm used to. Much of my inner life now gets sublimated and impulsively transferred into text, which is not always good.