A Question About Having Few "Friends"
- Thread starter MetalManCPA
- Start date
True - this place is an outlet - a seperate home, but not life. It can't be good to make this your only place to really talk about yourself. We share and vent here, but we ask nothing in return. I think we're all "friends" here, who none of us have actively seeked out - it has just happened with the growth of this board. It's like I can talk to almost everybody here on a level much deeper than most any real human I am in contact with - is that considered abnormal?
I honestly do think about my use of this board and it's effect on my "real" life. I am careful to balance everything, and not let "this life" bleed into my "real" life. But I can't live without this place.
I'm a very solitary person, I do many friends within a certain group, but many of them I wouldn't call very good friends - they are there because they are. There are a few people in my life whose friendship i cherish to no end. There aren't many of these people, however.. but I'd rather have a few very good friends than lots of superficial relationships.
I've always been a person who can open to another, to be good friends with another, but only when they let me. Otherwise, I don't even bother. It's something I've become comftorable with over the past few years, most people in the world are so caught up in such superficial things they're not even going to take the opportunity to try and understand others. I can find solace in strong relationships with just a few people
I've always been a person who can open to another, to be good friends with another, but only when they let me. Otherwise, I don't even bother. It's something I've become comftorable with over the past few years, most people in the world are so caught up in such superficial things they're not even going to take the opportunity to try and understand others. I can find solace in strong relationships with just a few people
Blackspirit
there are no words left
It's like this for me too. If someone ask me to do something with them I'm like
"ooooh, well, I dunno." Sometimes I'm missing out on the fun,
but I also get the private time that I need.
I like being on my own, all my ideas and all my thoughts have come when
I have been alone. I have always been shy, and with my father travelling a lot
with his job and my stepmother (now x-stepmother, for those who care >
P ) was working too, didn't really help my contact with people.
So I was all by myself during childhood. I'm used to it, and I need it.
Now, to your question metalmancpa
)I think it's a little bit of both, mixed together.
External; People who get to know me a bit always say "I though you were SO
much different!!!" They say I look like I am a really heavy partychick;
"WHAT?! YOU NEVER DRINK!! Well, at least you do some E right?!" "No." Hehe...
I don't wear any special clothes, it's probably just the vibe I send out...
People say I look scary, and very mysterious and that makes it hard to start a
conversation with me I guess.
Internal; As I said earlier, I LIKE being on my own, and I need it. But sometimes I
also get a little scared, I am used to being on my own, I sort of forget how it
is to meet new people... I easily get bored, and I am not good at coming up with
interesting things to talk about.... And maybe I look upon myself as weird,
and those are the vibes that I put out, because I find weird people interesting.
At work I am the one seeking friendship with the weird people. They have a lot
to offer me. No boundaries, nothing's "super cool", we're just ourselves,
sharing fun moments
) I always though that I wasn't capable of getting along with alot of people, but I have proven the opposite when I started to work.
How long will it last? >
)
RETIREDTrapped
New Metal Member
- Sep 12, 2001
- 8,312
- 4
- 0
MetalmanCPA, you are 'the incredible father of thoughtful threads, and resident authority on parenthood'.
Over the last few weeks, i have only 'purposely' hung out with and seen one person, of who i wasn't really freinds with previously. I spent new-years with her, and i spent most of new-years day with her too. She is the only 'freind' that i have now, the only person that i feel like seeing, the only person that i would call up and ask what she's up to...
People that i was freinds with a while ago, i am not really freinds with anymore. I have alot of people that i 'talk to when i see them', but never people that i am really close to. I can see with the freind that i mentioned above that while she is a good freind of mine, she has a totally seperate life to our freindship, and i can see that when i speak to her.
I think the reason that i do not have an over-abundance of freinds is through the fact that my interests and my personality are fairly erratic. My interests do not tie in together, so even if i DO find someone that has a similar interest to me, then it is CERTAIN that our other interests and likes will mash with each other...
...Freindship is not an easy thing for me either, I have been hurt before by freinds, and by people closer than freinds. I am also not the most confident person around, sometimes i even find it hard to talk to people that i know, and find it hard to even go up to them to say 'hi'...
The freind that i mentioned before is moving away soon, and although it is not WORLDS away, i know that i will not get to see her as much as i do now. It is hard for me to admit this, but i am not blind, i know how things will end up. I have only been 'freinds' with her for a short time, yet i beleive that i will miss her more than i have missed anyone else before in my life. I am at loss to think that i have made freinds with her, just to lose her.
To answer your question, MetalmanCPA, I guess i am a bit of both. I am a little bit 'different' to people, but i guess that simply comes from my musical background, and the fact that i am a deep thinker, and my everyday life is governed by millions of obscure thoughts in my subconscious that haunt me. Thoughts are the life of the soul, yet thoughts are the voice of insanity in instability.
I am not misanthropic, i like people, and strangely enough, i have a great love for cool strange people and their strangenesses and oddities of personality. I do not like huge crowds of people, but i am not an outcast, i just can't handle a hundred people suffocating me, i need space.
It is more the fact that i am a fairly quiet person i think, people are intimidated by a silent voice, and by the unknown.
Over the last few weeks, i have only 'purposely' hung out with and seen one person, of who i wasn't really freinds with previously. I spent new-years with her, and i spent most of new-years day with her too. She is the only 'freind' that i have now, the only person that i feel like seeing, the only person that i would call up and ask what she's up to...
People that i was freinds with a while ago, i am not really freinds with anymore. I have alot of people that i 'talk to when i see them', but never people that i am really close to. I can see with the freind that i mentioned above that while she is a good freind of mine, she has a totally seperate life to our freindship, and i can see that when i speak to her.
I think the reason that i do not have an over-abundance of freinds is through the fact that my interests and my personality are fairly erratic. My interests do not tie in together, so even if i DO find someone that has a similar interest to me, then it is CERTAIN that our other interests and likes will mash with each other...
...Freindship is not an easy thing for me either, I have been hurt before by freinds, and by people closer than freinds. I am also not the most confident person around, sometimes i even find it hard to talk to people that i know, and find it hard to even go up to them to say 'hi'...
The freind that i mentioned before is moving away soon, and although it is not WORLDS away, i know that i will not get to see her as much as i do now. It is hard for me to admit this, but i am not blind, i know how things will end up. I have only been 'freinds' with her for a short time, yet i beleive that i will miss her more than i have missed anyone else before in my life. I am at loss to think that i have made freinds with her, just to lose her.
To answer your question, MetalmanCPA, I guess i am a bit of both. I am a little bit 'different' to people, but i guess that simply comes from my musical background, and the fact that i am a deep thinker, and my everyday life is governed by millions of obscure thoughts in my subconscious that haunt me. Thoughts are the life of the soul, yet thoughts are the voice of insanity in instability.
I am not misanthropic, i like people, and strangely enough, i have a great love for cool strange people and their strangenesses and oddities of personality. I do not like huge crowds of people, but i am not an outcast, i just can't handle a hundred people suffocating me, i need space.
It is more the fact that i am a fairly quiet person i think, people are intimidated by a silent voice, and by the unknown.
First of all I would like to compliment the people who have posted here, I cannot express enough how enlightening and enjoyable this forum is, many people here have such a strong grip on their lives, that is hard for me to find around here, I love you guys.
With the gratuitous sap out of the way (but probably more to come) I will answer metalmancpas question as it pertains to the banana and I . My problem is most certainly an internal problem. Let me put it this way, my friends find me, I dont find them. The strange part is I believe that I socialize best in groups. Ive never considered myself capable of one on one conversation, but the strange aspect is I find myself avoiding groups more of late, it is more and more becoming difficult for me to find enjoyable conversation. I wont use the word hate, but people do annoy me quite a bit. I am not sure if it is my choice in friends, but I can say this, I only need one hand to count the people I can have a meaningful conversation with. I think one reason I want a family more than anything else is because it would provide me with a bubble (to use metalmancpas word) to filter out all the useless crap. As it stands right now, I am exposed, maybe I should retreat into a life of sloth and gluttony .
To those friends that are represented on that one hand, I thank you, BUT as soon as I have a family you will be disposed of
.
With the gratuitous sap out of the way (but probably more to come) I will answer metalmancpas question as it pertains to the banana and I
. My problem is most certainly an internal problem. Let me put it this way, my friends find me, I dont find them. The strange part is I believe that I socialize best in groups. Ive never considered myself capable of one on one conversation, but the strange aspect is I find myself avoiding groups more of late, it is more and more becoming difficult for me to find enjoyable conversation. I wont use the word hate, but people do annoy me quite a bit. I am not sure if it is my choice in friends, but I can say this, I only need one hand to count the people I can have a meaningful conversation with. I think one reason I want a family more than anything else is because it would provide me with a bubble (to use metalmancpas word) to filter out all the useless crap. As it stands right now, I am exposed, maybe I should retreat into a life of sloth and gluttony . To those friends that are represented on that one hand, I thank you, BUT as soon as I have a family you will be disposed of
.
Obyeybyeogone
New Metal Member
"My problem is most certainly an internal problem." "...as it pertains to the banana and I" Obviously
Originally posted by Oyo
"My problem is most certainly an internal problem." "...as it pertains to the banana and I" Obviously
Are you saying I'm a narcissist?
I may be a liar, a cheat, and a narcissist, but I am not a porn star. Warning! Warning! Simpsons plagiarism in progress!
Obyeybyeogone
New Metal Member
ZirnaLuna
Bluuue
You sound a lot like me in this situation. It is definately not EXTERNAL because I am so far from being "Gothic", "Metal" (I would say Metallic because it's correct, but that would sound rather dumb.
) or anything of the sort. Upon first glance, I probably look like a preppy little girly girl. Not all the time, but most of the time. Also, I tend to be very polite when I pass strangers in a public place. (Most of the time ) I'll look people in the eye and give a little grin or a wink (if he's hot ). That's just part of how I was brought up. All of that Southern Charm. Haha, just kidding. So I consider myself to be a very approachable person. And apparently, it's true. I have more "friends" that I particularly care to have. Most of them mean nothing to me in all honesty. The majority of people that I am surrounded by all of the time are absolute morons. They have no depth whatsoever, and a very limited intelligence. I often find myself wondering 'what the hell am I doing here??' I guess you could say that the reason that I don't have many people that I allow to get close to me is a bit INTERNAL, but for the most part, I don't push people away because I am afraid that they are going to hurt me. (I used to do that.) I just don't find very many people that can handle the constant craziness that is Sarah.
If on a rare occasion that I find someone that is willing to deal with me, it takes a bit of a long time for me to open up completely to them. Partly due to what has happened to me in the past, but mostly due to fear of being 100% myself and being rejected for it. I know that I shouldn't care what people think. For the most part, I don't. u-huh: Shut up Joe.) But when it comes to someone that is very close to me, their opinion of me matters greatly to me.
pac1288
El Jefe
Hey great thread!
Yeah there was a point in time when I was bit social(high school age 16)I had a few really good friends and it lasted quite some time,but once I finished high school at age 18 I kind of isolated myself from friends mainly because the frienships I had consisted of just getting drunk/and engaging in activities that were just plain out stupid.since the age of 18 I have gone through these phases were I'll make a couple of friends but eventually just drop them due to frustration.It just gets to the point to were it just becomes pointless to carry out the frienships.
But at present I feel un-inspired to make friends I just don't really care to,I mean at work or what ever I talk to my co-workers,but it really is a obligation for me to do so.To be honest I can't stand the hypocrism its just so fucking stupid these artificial conversations that people are supposably having with each other,and if you really observe and think about it,it really is hypocrism 85 percent of the time, and thats what I can't tolerate.So for me to make a friend it has to be a true one not some idiot.
At this point though I'm solitary and just like it this way better doing activities that I enjoy doing, doing what I want to df course I have contact with people but it is very minimal,nothing that will make go out of my way just to hang out with them.But who knows maybe later this will change when I feel its the correct time to do so.
Yeah there was a point in time when I was bit social(high school age 16)I had a few really good friends and it lasted quite some time,but once I finished high school at age 18 I kind of isolated myself from friends mainly because the frienships I had consisted of just getting drunk/and engaging in activities that were just plain out stupid.since the age of 18 I have gone through these phases were I'll make a couple of friends but eventually just drop them due to frustration.It just gets to the point to were it just becomes pointless to carry out the frienships.
But at present I feel un-inspired to make friends I just don't really care to,I mean at work or what ever I talk to my co-workers,but it really is a obligation for me to do so.To be honest I can't stand the hypocrism its just so fucking stupid these artificial conversations that people are supposably having with each other,and if you really observe and think about it,it really is hypocrism 85 percent of the time, and thats what I can't tolerate.So for me to make a friend it has to be a true one not some idiot.
At this point though I'm solitary and just like it this way better doing activities that I enjoy doing, doing what I want to d
f course I have contact with people but it is very minimal,nothing that will make go out of my way just to hang out with them.But who knows maybe later this will change when I feel its the correct time to do so.
lumen
CKMS supporter
Just realized I was fooling myself when I said I didn't instigate friendships. Must have been trying to avoid responsibility for any painful aftermath.
In a few of cases I actually made many of the initiating moves, or at least actively responded and participated in the development of the friendship. It was always an acquaintance who seemed interesting to me for some reason, and I wanted to get to know them better.
Must reform myself, I guess.
In a few of cases I actually made many of the initiating moves, or at least actively responded and participated in the development of the friendship. It was always an acquaintance who seemed interesting to me for some reason, and I wanted to get to know them better.
Must reform myself, I guess.
loudsilence
Empty
Yes Oyo,
I think the name I use describes me pretty good, most of the time I am pretty quiet but sometimes I feel like letting it out.
I think the name I use describes me pretty good, most of the time I am pretty quiet but sometimes I feel like letting it out.
D Mullholand
[project closed]
I think I don't have that many close friends due to several reasons, including my personality which can get too intimidating for the spiritual security of my acquiantances. I'm mostly quiet and seldomly perform active searches for new people; but when I get to know somebody a bit, I become open and direct - I always attempt to say the truth, even if it might not be to someone's liking; plus I usually over-metaphorize a lot and describe everything in "mysterioso"-manner, but it's not just empty nonsense-talk - even my most absurd statements are like a curved mirror for the truth which I see, or a reflection of my opinion given a colour and edge and a spin, depending on the person and the discussion. And when I say something in that manner that starts to tread on their personal terrain, they must feel quite uncomfortable, no matter that I'm always self-critical too and the sting is directed at me as often as at others. Only a few of my acquanitances are able to think on the same wave-length as I do, and it's they who become my friends. True friends are able to understand each other without words, even when they exchange phrases in Kobaian, Binary Code or abstract mumblings. So yes, I'm looking for people as "weird" as me.
Besides, like many people that have expressed their thoughts in this thread, I have no talent at "small-talk", which is a waste of silence in my opinion; friendship based purely on common interests is limiting as well - when you know each other's tastes completely, such friendships are demoted to the status of functionality. I permanently lose interest in trivial discussions about hip things (parties, mobile phones, etc) and start hearing music in my head instead. I don't drink, so that possibility of "grouping" and "friendship" is discarded too. And I do need time to be alone, time for inspiration to come. Probably most of my current "acquaintances" will puff! - and disappear when I graduate from the university, and I do realize that my lack of "hanging-out" attitude will result in increased seclusion - but so far I don't see any alternatives that I'd feel positive about too; and those which I see are hard to reach because it's hard to forcefully change my personality.
To metalmancpa: I've always wanted to say this - your "personality therapy" threads are deeply appreciated; I never seem to respond to them, because mostly I can't find something interesting enough to write about myself that wouldn't be just "yep", "nope", "oh, I'm this", or "OTOH, I'm that", but that's my own problem; I want to thank you for all those threads and for being the patient peacekeeper.
D Mullholand
Besides, like many people that have expressed their thoughts in this thread, I have no talent at "small-talk", which is a waste of silence in my opinion; friendship based purely on common interests is limiting as well - when you know each other's tastes completely, such friendships are demoted to the status of functionality. I permanently lose interest in trivial discussions about hip things (parties, mobile phones, etc) and start hearing music in my head instead. I don't drink, so that possibility of "grouping" and "friendship" is discarded too. And I do need time to be alone, time for inspiration to come. Probably most of my current "acquaintances" will puff! - and disappear when I graduate from the university, and I do realize that my lack of "hanging-out" attitude will result in increased seclusion - but so far I don't see any alternatives that I'd feel positive about too; and those which I see are hard to reach because it's hard to forcefully change my personality.
To metalmancpa: I've always wanted to say this - your "personality therapy" threads are deeply appreciated; I never seem to respond to them, because mostly I can't find something interesting enough to write about myself that wouldn't be just "yep", "nope", "oh, I'm this", or "OTOH, I'm that", but that's my own problem; I want to thank you for all those threads and for being the patient peacekeeper.
D Mullholand
Oo i like this thread. =)
To start with your question, metalmancpa, I certainly don't have an external problem with meeting people. I've got a reputation of being evil in the younger circles around my area because I used to throw assorted snotlings of them into thorny bushes when they got out of line in the mid-nineties (I wonder how it stuck this long hohooo, but other than that I get along well with people.
I must look very wise or kind or something because whenever anyone needs to ask about anything - strangers, tourists, asking for direction, asking for the time, asking for advice - they ask me. I'd say it was a karma thing if I believed in karma. I've been stopped by the police(!!) asking for directions, coming home from the store with a big bag of food in my hand in the middle of the day i've been asked if the store is open, and just the other month I was walking home at 04:00 from a friends place and this lorry pulls over (probably smuggling something) and a german hops out to ask me for directions.
But I digress....
The way you ask you make it sound like a problem - why people have so few friends - but I don't think it is. I have a lot of _very_ loose acquaintances - people who I know who they are, who know who I am, that I can speak with at quite some length of common interests and whom I somehow know quite intimately even though I only meet them a couple of times a year.
Some of these people have huge amounts of friends who they get along with very well. They stay in touch with each other, attend a lot of the same events and so on and so on. But these people never seem to have any real close friends, just as if you have a certain quota of friendship you can either spread thin or concentrate on a small amount of people. Ergo the same goes for those with just a few but very close friends - not very many loose friends. Of course the hypothetical quota varies from person to person.
And after yet another detour, Ima try answering that question.
I'm of the "few close friends type" I described above. Not that I have few friends, just that the company I prefer to spend time with is the same small group of people more often rather than a little time each with lots of different people.
That said, I don't spend a whole lot of time hanging around with my friends irl. We get together on irc in a fairly large channel and talk all day [literarily] and whenever someone wants to do something out of the ordinary we talk and coordinate over irc - party for the weekend, go see a movie, etc. I don't much fancy loneliness, but I require a lot of personal space, and for this the somewhat impersonal means of communication that is irc is very good.
I am a misanthrope, but I'd like not to be, and I don't go out of my way to demonstrate it - I don't figure misanthropy is a good way to get along with people. I don't waste good hate on people in general. I find it's easier on both them and me to save it for things that deserve it better.
Phew, gotta save a few points for follow-ups. I hope that answers the question well enough.
----
Right about here I went off and attended a party for several hours, but there haven't been a lot of new posts in this thread since then so I'll just get on with it. Now where was I...
----
Ah yes, about this socializing in groups or not that you bring up Soul4Raziel. Very interesting concept. The friends of my inner circle I find I prefer to spend time with one on one. Either because they annoy each other or because they act different in each others company. This is also a recurring theme in different groups of acquaintances of mine - I find myself not speaking about other groups of friends with my friends because more often than not, they're socially incompatible in one or more aspects, be it that they dislike each other, have zip in common or lack respect for each other.
The conversation is always on a more intimate level when you're one on one, fading off with three, four, five and then becoming a bit more intimate again when the current party is so big that sub-groups are formed and you mingle, talking to one or two people at a time. I like many kinds of conversation and discussion but I feel the more intimate kinds somehow rank higher.
I'm pretty sure I'm forgetting a lot of stuff I was going to say, but I guess it all got lost in the wine. &-P Love the banana!
To start with your question, metalmancpa, I certainly don't have an external problem with meeting people. I've got a reputation of being evil in the younger circles around my area because I used to throw assorted snotlings of them into thorny bushes when they got out of line in the mid-nineties (I wonder how it stuck this long hohooo
, but other than that I get along well with people.I must look very wise or kind or something because whenever anyone needs to ask about anything - strangers, tourists, asking for direction, asking for the time, asking for advice - they ask me. I'd say it was a karma thing if I believed in karma. I've been stopped by the police(!!) asking for directions, coming home from the store with a big bag of food in my hand in the middle of the day i've been asked if the store is open, and just the other month I was walking home at 04:00 from a friends place and this lorry pulls over (probably smuggling something) and a german hops out to ask me for directions.
But I digress....
The way you ask you make it sound like a problem - why people have so few friends - but I don't think it is. I have a lot of _very_ loose acquaintances - people who I know who they are, who know who I am, that I can speak with at quite some length of common interests and whom I somehow know quite intimately even though I only meet them a couple of times a year.
Some of these people have huge amounts of friends who they get along with very well. They stay in touch with each other, attend a lot of the same events and so on and so on. But these people never seem to have any real close friends, just as if you have a certain quota of friendship you can either spread thin or concentrate on a small amount of people. Ergo the same goes for those with just a few but very close friends - not very many loose friends. Of course the hypothetical quota varies from person to person.
And after yet another detour, Ima try answering that question.
I'm of the "few close friends type" I described above. Not that I have few friends, just that the company I prefer to spend time with is the same small group of people more often rather than a little time each with lots of different people.
That said, I don't spend a whole lot of time hanging around with my friends irl. We get together on irc in a fairly large channel and talk all day [literarily] and whenever someone wants to do something out of the ordinary we talk and coordinate over irc - party for the weekend, go see a movie, etc. I don't much fancy loneliness, but I require a lot of personal space, and for this the somewhat impersonal means of communication that is irc is very good.
I am a misanthrope, but I'd like not to be, and I don't go out of my way to demonstrate it - I don't figure misanthropy is a good way to get along with people. I don't waste good hate on people in general. I find it's easier on both them and me to save it for things that deserve it better.
Phew, gotta save a few points for follow-ups. I hope that answers the question well enough.
----
Right about here I went off and attended a party for several hours, but there haven't been a lot of new posts in this thread since then so I'll just get on with it. Now where was I...
----
Ah yes, about this socializing in groups or not that you bring up Soul4Raziel. Very interesting concept. The friends of my inner circle I find I prefer to spend time with one on one. Either because they annoy each other or because they act different in each others company. This is also a recurring theme in different groups of acquaintances of mine - I find myself not speaking about other groups of friends with my friends because more often than not, they're socially incompatible in one or more aspects, be it that they dislike each other, have zip in common or lack respect for each other.
The conversation is always on a more intimate level when you're one on one, fading off with three, four, five and then becoming a bit more intimate again when the current party is so big that sub-groups are formed and you mingle, talking to one or two people at a time. I like many kinds of conversation and discussion but I feel the more intimate kinds somehow rank higher.
I'm pretty sure I'm forgetting a lot of stuff I was going to say, but I guess it all got lost in the wine. &-P Love the banana!
Blackspirit
there are no words left
YaYo
whendaydescends.com
- May 6, 2001
- 4,458
- 23
- 38
in such a cool thread i'd rather not spoil it with heaps of my own mindless babble.
What i will say is, this thread has made me sad. Ive always known there are people out there that are just like me that i could get on really well with, but this thread has made me realise how hard it is to find any of you!! Seriously, where do u go to meet quiet people who don't like crowds/'partying'/etc... ? I guess internet is the only place really........
What i will say is, this thread has made me sad. Ive always known there are people out there that are just like me that i could get on really well with, but this thread has made me realise how hard it is to find any of you!! Seriously, where do u go to meet quiet people who don't like crowds/'partying'/etc... ? I guess internet is the only place really........
