i died once... it was due to a breakup.... first kiss, and all frist sexual experiences all with that girl... but things were going down hill .. and i was falling apart... and hidding it.... but still i wanted to be with her.. i could be dead one day, but i've used to feel twice alive on the other.. so it was worthy for me.. but there were some trauma going on ... really serious shit.. that was beyond our knowlage.. she didn't knew too.. a dark past scar on her life that she only could discover better about it years after our brokeup.. we stop talking to each other.. i was really fucked up.. she didn't knew what to do.. and ended up doing something stupid.. and started dating a guy that was a friend of mine.. in fact we were developing and becomming closer friends.. it was such a painful experience.
This year i met her again..( 4 years of silence ) and we could talk over lots of things.. it was a really cool thing .. and i finally came to know and discovered some fitting pieces on that puzzle.. and so many things have happened.. i've never blamed her.. or pointed the finger for things that happened.. most of people would have hated one for doing what she apparently did.. but it was really mutch more complex than any spectator could tell.. and she was so miserable and unhappy with him the years that followed.. and really wanted to be with me.. she adimited that many things went wrong.. and sure did.. life is messy..
the thing is that i love to have died on that period.. i developed my love for Katatonia back there.. I've always knew Katatonia as an extreme metal band .. but never really listened to them.. i had little interest on Death / Doom metal by that time... was more into Thrash, Power, Viking, Prog stuff.. i had a cd-r copy of ' Last fair deal gone down ' a friend recommended me.. and thought it was awesome.. but was not all that into it yet.. then due to my condition I went on tons of Doom Metal stuff.. and really any miserable music was my thing.. tons of Alternative Rock bands too.. just listened to music all day long.. got to know Katatonia better.. downloaded their previous albuns... happened to know lots of somehow connected bands.. and became who i'm now..
recently when talking to her I said I had nothing to forgive her about.. cuz it was the best thing that could ever happen to me.. I love what i am.. and i needed to go through lots of situations and different conditions to become me.. I've always loved music totally.. and had some different 'first one' bands.. but Katatonia topped every possible one.. i've already said it here.. it goes:
1. Katatonia
2. Music
i sure know that some of you can see my point here.. i've developed that undying passion.. and joke on it.. calling myself a 'syndrome lover' the syndrome stands for C(k)atatonia.. it feels like an huge tree.. that englobes not only the band and it's art/works .. but so many things.. even the other bands i've found out by reading recommendations or interviews with Katatonia or articles about them.. and so many things.. i've grown a lot becouse of them.. and maybe becouse of that we start feeling like a part of something.. 'this chain of rows unto our own hearts'..
ah.. have written so mutch.. hope it wasn't so annoying..
not sure what else to talk about.. so.. maybe later.
