cheer up: the joke thread

[paradiselost]

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," says the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe; she fakes it with Ken."

 

[paradiselost]

Other:

"Miss Reynolds, we can't hire you as a model," the editor from the men's magazine explained. "It's obvious that your blonde hair isn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black."

The young model picked up the magazine editor's bowling ball and slammed it down on his fingers.

"What the hell did you do that for!" he exploded.

She smiled sweetly and said, "Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? And they've only been banged once."

 

[paradiselost]

last one:

Two doomsters walk into a bar. They're both really surpised to hear some drone doom playing, and can't remember ever hearing the song before. Finally one of the doomsters asks the dj for the name of the song he's playing. The dj looks at him really funny and says: "song? we've been trying to figure out why we're getting a bad ground thorugh the P.A. for the last 30 minutes!"

 

[paradiselost]

Can't resist, have to post this one!

 

[Bodomania]

Did you hear about the princess who stayed out after midnight?
She turned into a concrete pillar

What did Princess Diana get for Christmas?
The Queen Mother

Did Dodi do Di before Di and Dodi died???

I have hundreds of these but I'll have mercy...

 

[Bodomania]

Ok. I lied. Here is the alternative lyrics to Candle in the Wind...

Two Sheets To The Wind

Goodbye Princess Di
Though I never knew you at all
You had the strength to hold your beer
While those around you crawled

They fell out of the hotel
And they were plastered
Out of their brains
They drove into a tunnel
But couldn't stay in the lane

And it seems to me
Your driver was
Two sheets to the wind
Never knowing where the road was
When his brain caved in

And I would have like to have known you
While you were still in one piece
The Mercedes gave out long before
The pillar ever did

Here's a thought... If Diana's heart was in the right place, WHY WAS IT FOUND IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT???

 

[Morpheus]

Originally posted by cedarbreed
RIP OFF from Danny !!!

but it's so fucken true ...

didn't know that, sorry

 

[cedarbreed]

Originally posted by Morpheus
didn't know that, sorry

Are you kidding mate ?

Come on ! don't start pretending it was a coincidence

 

[Morpheus]

I'm not kiddin'! Where should i know it from?

 

[cedarbreed]

from the Paris gig bootleg ??

nevermind i trust you but it's a funny coincidence

 

[cedarbreed]

When soulseek works again , just take the paris gig from me PC and you'll understand

 

[cedarbreed]

just wanted to add that I'm not letting ANYONE dowload the Lille gig from my PC if u know what I mean... and for the other boots i only let them DL to some freaks of that forum

 

[Morpheus]

 

[StrahmCallin'!]

Ok, here is a joke. Kinda stupid but bear with me. These 3 dudes go to apply for jobs with the CIA in the U.S. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer is like "Ok for the last part of your screening.....I have a test.....would you be willing to do anything that was asked of you without question?" The potential employee is like "Yes sir!!" So the interviewer pulls out a gun and says "Ok, I want you to take this home and kill your wife.......shoot her in the head 3 times." The guy thinks about it and is like "No, no way I love my wife, I would never kill her." So the interviewer asks him to leave and brings in the second guy. After a brief interview, he asks him the same question and gives him the gun. Again, the 2nd guy thinks about it and is like "I can't............we've been married 3 years.....I love her, and I could never do anything to harm her". So again, the interviewer thanks the dude for his time and the guy leaves. He calls the 3rd guy in, the guy comes in, gets interviewed and asked the same request. He thinks about it and is like "Oh hell yeah sir! I've been married to her 25 years........I'll enjoy this!!!!!" Next day, the 3rd guy comes back to the office and is mad as hell. Kicking the trash cans and stuff. He goes into the interviewer's office and punches the wall yelling, cursing and that. The interviewer is like "Jesus guy, why are you so angry??????" The guy is like "I did exactly what you said!!! I took this damn gun home, shot my wife 3 times and the damn thing was loaded with blanks!!!!!!!" lol......ok there's my contribution to this thread.

 

[Mariner]

yeah, i know a classic joke.

What needs it to bring the beatles together again?




2 bullets
AND

Which human race found out the triathlon?




The Turks: they go on foot to the swimming pool and they return by bike (this one rules, esp. when youre living in/close too Ghent )

 

[Bodomania]

The sexual urge of the Camel
Is greater than anyone thinks
After many a month in the desert
It attempted a rape on the Sphinx

Now the intimate parts of that lady
are sunk 'neath the sands of the Nile
Hence the hump on the back of the Camel
and the Sphinx's inscrutable smile.


Pause for applause...

 

[Bambi]

the once was a girl called alice
who used a dynamite stick as a phallus
they found her vagina in north carolina
and the rest of her body in dallas

 

[Bambi]

There was a young lady of Bude
Who went for a swim in the nude
A chap in a punt
Grabbed hold of her ............arm
And said
"You can't swim here. It's private".

 

[cedarbreed]

Originally posted by Mariner
yeah, i know a classic joke.

What needs it to bring the beatles together again?




2 bullets

LMAO !!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Bodomania]

What would you find in John Lennon's coffin?
2 slugs and a beatle...