cheer up: the joke thread

[Ivo]

A blonde went into a message center overseas to send a message back to her mother in the States. The clerk told her the price, but she claimed she had no money. But I'd do anything to get a message to my dear sweet mother." The clerk arched his eyebrow and grinned. "Anything?" he asked. "Yes, anything!" the blonde promised. So they went together to the back room and he closed the door. He instructed her, "Get down on your knees." She did. "Lower my zipper." She did. "Now take it out." She reached in, grabbed it with both hands, and then paused. He whispered through closed eyes, "Well? Go ahead." The blonde slowly brought it to her lips and said, "Hello, Mom? Can you hear me?"

 

[the_joy_of_grief]

 

[the_joy_of_grief]

 

[Crack Hitler]

last one was great

 

[Crack Hitler]

A guy comes home from work and sees a gorilla on his roof. Not sure what to do, he looks in the Yellow Pages for Animal Control or zoos, but an ad catches his eye: Steve's Gorilla Removal Service. The homeowner calls the number, talks to Steve, who says "I'll be right over".

Sure enough, in about 10 minutes, a white van with "Steve's Gorilla Removal Service" painted on the side rolls up. Steve gets out, surveys the situation, and goes back in the van. He comes out with:
A ladder
A pistol
A pair of hancuffs
A bunch of bananas
A Chihuahua

The homeowner is a bit surprised. He asks, "Aren't you going to net him or something??"

Steve says, "Naw, here's what we'll do. I'll throw the bananas on the roof, distracting the gorilla. Then I'll use the ladder to climb on the roof and push him off. While the gorilla is stunned, the Chihuahua is trained to bite him where it hurts the most. The gorilla will clutch himself in agony, then you slap the cuffs on him."

The homeowner thinks about it for a second. "Hmm....sounds good...hey, wait, what's the pistol for?"

Steve says, "Well, sometimes the gorilla is pretty smart, and pushes ME off of the roof. If that happens, you shoot the Chihuahua."

 

[Crack Hitler]

[font=Verdana, Arial]Q: What's the difference between a fag and a freezer?

A: The freezer doesn't fart when you take the meat out.[/font]

 

[sol83]

 

[Mick Moss]

Where does Saddam keep his cds?

In a rack.

Oh shit.

Fuck off then

 

[Mick Moss]

The captain of a ship hears that pirates are on the way, so he shouts to his assistant Jeeves 'get me my red coat'.

Jeeves fetches the captains red coat, but the pirate ship just sails past.

The next day 'Pirate Shiiip' is called out again, and the captain again asks for his red coat once more. But once again the pirate ship just sails past and into the distance.

'Why do you keep asking for your red coat?' asks Jeeves.

'Because if Im shot, I dont want my men to see the blood and lose their morale in the panic.' replies the cap'n

'Ahhh' says Jeeves

The next day there is another shout from the mast.-

'Piiirate shiiips, fuccking greaat piirate shiipps, ten of theeem wiith fucckkiin huugee cannons!!'

The captain goes still and turns to Jeeves.-

'Can you fetch me my brown pants please?'

 

[Bodomania]

"If your happy and you know it, clap your hands
If your happy and you know it, clap your hands
If you're happy and you know it
And you really want to show it, clap your hands"

And this is the war version.......

If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are frisky,
Pakistan is looking shifty,
North Korea is too risky, Bomb Iraq.

If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
If we think that someone's dissed us, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections,
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions, Bomb Iraq.

It's pre-emptive non-aggression, bomb Iraq.
To prevent this mass destruction, bomb Iraq.
They've got weapons we can't see,
And that's all the proof we need,
If they're not there, they must be there, Bomb Iraq.

If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.
If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.
If you think Saddam's gone mad,
With the weapons that he had,
And he tried to kill your dad, Bomb Iraq.

If corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.
If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.
If your politics are sleazy,
And hiding that ain't easy,
And your manhood's getting queasy, Bomb Iraq.

Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq.
For our might knows not our borders, bomb Iraq.
Disagree? We'll call it treason,
It's the make-war-not-love season,
Even if we have no reason, Bomb Iraq.