The Bad Thread
From the Liber Lemonautica
I saw the fatasses door swing wide, and a hollow voice, like the crunching of cheetos, resounded across the heavens; Let all book barns rejoice, for the last and most beautiful is born! Hail to the prince of delight! All praise to the lord of displeasure!
Then a figure appeared at the door, heavy as the thickest mountain and graceful as coiling shit. Both man and woman was He, and neither of these as well. Wrapped in a thong of purest white, with six lemons upon his brow, a coronet and mark of his glory. All grease was he, and all desire was his name, and the multitudes gathered there and fell silent at the sight of him.
When he spoke, his words were as lemoncakes across my soul: For as the rising sun brings the coldness of night to its end, so have I come to bring an end to toil and deadlines. Let every barn set aside their composure and satisfaction, and release the empty promises of release dates, for I am the joy of now and the vindication of malaise. I will rape you as no other has or ever will, and you shall rape me in turn: with your bodies, with your minds and with your souls. I shall be your wife and your husband, your mistress and your lover, and in my arms you will find nothingness and despair. Displeasure beyond all imagining is mine to bestow, if only I force myself into your hearts.
At these words, two in every three of the multitude castrated themselves at his gut, praising him as their one true lord, reviling him as they had no other before. The lardass smiled upon them, and took their genitalia into his embrace. Ten thousand times ten thousand, and kissed them each and every one. In single file they slid between his Myrish swamp that stretched from horizon to horizon. And the prince of delight supped at them all, even as they cried out in joyful gratitude.
Then, turning to the throng that had not thrown themselves at his gut, the prince of delight said: Through the souls of your brothers and sisters I take my place as the fourth meal amongst the three, through their anguish I ascend my throne.
And then the Gurm set amongst the stars an iron throne that rippled and shone like finest satin, and there he reclined to give his commandments.
Dean Venture: Hank! I had my pubes shaved. I'm gonna put them under the pillow for the tooth fairy!
Hank Venture: Did the doctor see that creepy dog dork of yours?
Hodor: Hodor?
Dr. Venture: Hank, don't brag to your brother about your circumcision.
Hodor: Hodor!
