Sister Of Destruction
#teamjesterslave
- Jul 20, 2018
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IN FLAMES new album being released on 1st March, 2019
- Thread starter Pallbearer
- Start date
The story of Job is pretty hilarious to be fair.
There's some really rich dude called Job who is basically to God what Ciko is to Anders. He absolutely loves him, has posters on his wall and everything. One day God is chatting with Satan and bragging about how Job is a huge God fanboy, and Satan is like "I bet if you treated him like shit he'd start calling you a dick". God gets pissed and says "let's find out. Go and troll Job, I won't do anything and we'll see how he reacts".
Obviously Satan is like "lol, OK, you said I can do it though so you can't get mad later". So Satan sends some messengers to tell Job his livestock have been stolen, his sheep have been burned to death by lightning, his servants are all dead and his sons all died when a tornado blew down their house. Savage shit. Job goes a bit mental, for some reason shaves his hair off then gets down and worships God. Fanboy level 1000.
Satan goes back to God and is like "yeah OK, kind of impressive, but I bet I can get him to hate you", and God is like "do your worst". It's clear at this point God is enjoying seeing Job getting tortured, because he's apparently a pretty sadistic fuck. Well anyway, this time Satan infects Job with fucking leprosy, so bad that Job takes broken pieces of pottery and scrapes it onto his skin. His wife at this point is like "are you sure God is really that cool? He's kind of ignoring you," and Job is like "fuck you, God is awesome and if he likes me having leprosy then ripping my skin off with broken pottery is awesome too". Job's mates turn up and are like "holy shit, what the fuck happened to you?" and are basically ripping on God. Job is still defending God. So eventually God comes along and is like "sup dude, Satan's been trolling you pretty hard. It's been kinda funny but now it's gone a bit far, so let's get you healed up". All damage is undone, Job is forced to have literally too much cattle for any one person to take care of and also has to live to 140.
God sucks.
There's some really rich dude called Job who is basically to God what Ciko is to Anders. He absolutely loves him, has posters on his wall and everything. One day God is chatting with Satan and bragging about how Job is a huge God fanboy, and Satan is like "I bet if you treated him like shit he'd start calling you a dick". God gets pissed and says "let's find out. Go and troll Job, I won't do anything and we'll see how he reacts".
Obviously Satan is like "lol, OK, you said I can do it though so you can't get mad later". So Satan sends some messengers to tell Job his livestock have been stolen, his sheep have been burned to death by lightning, his servants are all dead and his sons all died when a tornado blew down their house. Savage shit. Job goes a bit mental, for some reason shaves his hair off then gets down and worships God. Fanboy level 1000.
Satan goes back to God and is like "yeah OK, kind of impressive, but I bet I can get him to hate you", and God is like "do your worst". It's clear at this point God is enjoying seeing Job getting tortured, because he's apparently a pretty sadistic fuck. Well anyway, this time Satan infects Job with fucking leprosy, so bad that Job takes broken pieces of pottery and scrapes it onto his skin. His wife at this point is like "are you sure God is really that cool? He's kind of ignoring you," and Job is like "fuck you, God is awesome and if he likes me having leprosy then ripping my skin off with broken pottery is awesome too". Job's mates turn up and are like "holy shit, what the fuck happened to you?" and are basically ripping on God. Job is still defending God. So eventually God comes along and is like "sup dude, Satan's been trolling you pretty hard. It's been kinda funny but now it's gone a bit far, so let's get you healed up". All damage is undone, Job is forced to have literally too much cattle for any one person to take care of and also has to live to 140.
God sucks.
Don't worry old man. I care, personal stories make you seem like a real person, not attention insta girl.
As for biblical stories, I guess my favourite is the one where kids make fun of bald dude, causing them to get ripped by bears.
And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. 2 Kings 2:23
And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. 2 Kings 2:24a
And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them. 2 Kings 2:24b
Wow, that's actually nice. I thought of skipping them on Soilwork/Amorphis tour but now I need to alter my plans.
As for biblical stories, I guess my favourite is the one where kids make fun of bald dude, causing them to get ripped by bears.
And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head. 2 Kings 2:23
And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. 2 Kings 2:24a
And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them. 2 Kings 2:24b
Wow, that's actually nice. I thought of skipping them on Soilwork/Amorphis tour but now I need to alter my plans.
Sounds about right.
You've also got Abraham. By all accounts a pretty good dude, but God decides to troll him by commanding him to sacrifice his only son. Abraham only goes and fucking ties his son up and prepares to kill him, like a brainwashed cult member. Anyway God ends up sending down a messenger who's like "God was only kidding bro, wtf?". Abraham is like "thank fuck for that", then sees a ram and for some reason goes and kills that instead. Dude seems to be pretty messed up in the head.
Great story. 10/10. God apparently is bald and pretty sensitive about it.
krofius
Active Member
- Mar 16, 2009
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Why the fuck are we quoting bible verses and talking about religion in general, talk about a new level of degeneracy, holy fuck.
The old times when you could teach children proper respect for adults.
Don't make me curse you in the name of the LORD and send bears to rip you apart.
Yeah, Abraham is clearly a pretty fucked up character - and God apparently enjoys messing around with him. Taking advantage of somebody who is obviously not mentally right. What an asshole.
is there any bible themed Anime?
Jester Slave
Narcissist
krofius
Active Member
- Mar 16, 2009
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I know we like to go off topic a lot here but there are 3 things that are banned
Religion, Politics and ANIME, the three evils
Religion, Politics and ANIME, the three evils
TheJestersDoor
Keep calm and bash Anders
- Jul 25, 2016
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Jester Slave
Narcissist
Bible Black? I think it's a hentai though.
Just one more for today. Bear that in mind.
- No one whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off shall be admitted to the assembly of the LORD. Deuteronomy 23:1 NRSV
Krofius has probably already seen it then. Especially if it has lolis in it.
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