Official Joke/funny Quote Thread.

[GregadetH]

Heres another one that hopefully won't die. A thread to post anything funny. Sure humor is a broad subject but if you post it SOMEONE'S bound to laff. Figured this'll make somebodys day better at work whatever.



So, post away! And as usual, if you don't then fuck All Y'all!

 

[GregadetH]

Leather Man: " Hello, 911, I've got a guy down here at the LeatherMan shoppe on the corner of 15th and Oak w/ a rattlesnake bite on his PENIS!

o.K....I should do what? With my mouth? O.k. Bye."

Chu- Chu: " Boss! Boss! What did they say about the snakebite on my junk?"

Leather Man: " I'm sorry Chuey..Looks like you're going to die."

 

[Ragamuffin]

A vacationing penguin is driving through Texas when he notices the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin decides to take a walk around town.
He sees an ice cream shop and, being a penguin in Texas, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big cone with a double-scoop of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat, but having no hands he is forced to make a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no, it's just ice cream, I swear!"


I've loved that joke for as long as I can remember

 

[johnnieCzech]

A teacher in basic school gives little Joe a math question: "There are six birds on a tree and the hunter shoots two. Howmany are left?" "No one," says little Joe, "the others would fly away." "Well," says the teacher, "the correct answer would be four, but I like the way you think."
"Can I give you a question too?" says Joe then. "There are two women with an ice cream cone. One of them is licking it and the second one is sucking on it. Which one is married?" Teacher thinks deeply. "Well I guess the one who is, like... sucking the cone?"
"The correct answer is the one with a ring," says little Joe. "But I like the way you think."

 

[GregadetH]

A couple 'o good ones there!

How 'bout this one.
Q: When did Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer know that his wife was cheating on him?
A: When she stopped taking her purse to go into town and blow a few bucks.

 

[Ragamuffin]

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and *very* satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?"

"I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other..."

 

[GregadetH]

Hahahahahahahahahaha!

 

[bRaTpRiNcEsS]

Johnny is bad at math. His mother was at her wit's end trying to find ways to help him in school. When nothing worked, she decided he needed the discipline of Catholic school. The very first day, she noticed a difference. He came straight home and worked on his math homework for hours. At the end of the week, he received an A on a test. His mother was shocked. When she asked him what was so different about Catholic school that made him learn so quickly, he replied "Well, when I walked in and saw that guy nailed to the giant plus sign, I knew they meant business."

 

[Cincy Vigilante]

Q: How do you catch a polar bear?

A: You cut a hole in the ice and put peas around the hole, when the bear bends over to pick up a pea you kick him in the ice hole.

this one is cute if its said, more than read, plus it rated PG.

 

[Ragamuffin]

Q. How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lig...?
A. Hey, let's go ride bikes!

 

[bRaTpRiNcEsS]

Q. What do you get when you play a country song backwards?

A. Your woman, your house, your truck, your dog, your job.....

 

[GregadetH]

Q. What do you get when you play a country song backwards?

A. Your woman, your house, your truck, your dog, your job.....

Dammit! You beat me to this one. I swear I was just aboot to post this.





The ADD one was good. :Spin:

 

[Ragamuffin]

There is a pond, and above this pond there is a fly.
Underneath the water there is a fish who sees the fly
and says to himself: "you know...if that fly lands on that
water, I'm gonna get me that fly"

Standing on the shore of the pond is a bear who says to
himself: "you know...if that fly lands on the water and
that fish jumps out and gets that fly...I'm gonna get
me that fish."

Standing off behind a tree is a hunter who sees the bear
and thinks to himself: "you know...if that fly lands on the
water and the fish gets the fly and the bear gets that
fish...I'm gonna shoot me that bear."

Hanging out of the hunter's back pocket is a half of a
sandwich. Standing behind the hunter is a mouse who
says to himself: "you know...if that fly lands on that
water and the fish gets the fly and the bear gets the
fish and that hunter shoots that bear...the sandwich
might fall out of his pocket and I'll get me that sandwich."

Standing off behind the mouse is a cat who says to himself:
"you know...if that fly lands on the water and the
fish gets the fly and the bear gets the fish and the
hunter shoots the bear and the sandwich falls out
of the hunter's pocket and the mouse gets the sandwich
...I'm gonna get me that mouse."

Well sure enough the fly lands on the water and the
fish gets the fly and the bear gets the fish and hunter
shoots the bear and the sandwich falls out of the hunter's
pocket and the mouse gets the sandwich and the cat
lunges for the mouse. But the cat misses and rolls down
the hill and lands in the lake.


The moral of this tale is:
A whole lotta shit has to happen for the pussy to get wet.

 

[mrthrax]

what do u call a good looking iraqi woman?

Asif

 

[mrthrax]

what do u call a somalian woman with a yeast infection?

quarter pounder with chesse

 

[mrthrax]

why are woman like a quarter chicken dinner pack?

because after youve finished with the legs and the breast all your left with is a greasy box

 

[ThraxDude]

Mmmmmmmmmm........greasy box................

 

[Ragamuffin]

A woman goes to the doctor and complians that her and her husband never have sex anymore. The dotor gives her a large jar of pills and instructs her to give him a few in his drink at night. The woman goes home and that night she puts one in his beer. About a half hour later they start to make out real hot and heavy but nothing else happens that night. The next night she puts two pills in and not only have sex for the first time in forever but really good sex. She's still not satisfied so on the third night, she grinds the rest of the jar in his dinner.

A week later, the doctor calls to see how everything is going. The womans son answers.

"So how is your mom doing?" asks the doctor.

"Well...mom's dead, sis is pregnant, my asshole hurts, and dad is out naked on the lawn screaming 'HERE KITTY KITTY KITTY!'

 

[GregadetH]

Superman is on his nightly patrol of Metropolis one evening when he just happens to fly by Wonder Womans apartment. Upon peeking through her window, he is surprised to see the amazon godess w/ her legs spread and feet up in the air, all sprawled out on her bed screaming " Yes! Fast! I want it Fast! That's right baby, use your powers while you fuck me!". Superman is no fool, he realizes what she wants, and like a flash flies through the window and gives her the most furious fuck at the speed of light! Then WHOOSH! He got his nut off and flew back outside to finish his patrol. Upon experiencing this huge gust of air, Wonder Woman, puzzled, said " What the fuck was that?" Soon after the Invisible Man re - materialized on top of her and said, " I don't know, but something just tore my asshole up! "

 

[mrthrax]

i saved a woman from rape yesterday...

i couldnt catch the bitch!