Opinions wanted on Still Life essay
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bondcfh007
that tire murdered mary
pretty good.... a bit dramatic if you ask me. take out the part about ritual fire-breathing. it makes it sound like the metal scene is a circus or something
Kenneth R.
Cináed
you misspelled Akerfeldt. there should be the 'o' over the A too, i forget the code to stick that in there.
as for the content, as a music album review, its biased yes, and some points contradictory (particularly your conclusion vs your 2nd paragraph when you state in the former that Opeth is far beyond anything else out there, yet in 2nd paragraph differentiate them from other 'elitist' bands) i know what you're getting at, but rephrasing it may help.
depending on the formality of the review, your last paragraph: when you state your opinion on the album, may or may not be appropriate. if it is more formal, leave your own opinions out of it, but if it is casual, the reviewer's opinion (as frequently shown on the ProgPower site) can be helpful in giving a reader a suggestion.
you do tend to pull out a lot of description and metaphor, but in a metal review, i think it adds to the impact and passion with which it is delivered.
other things i think may help you out would be to include a few clips of phrases of the band's words on the album, what they think of it, how they made it, what they wanted to say with it--
also, unless it is a given, its usually good to state who the band members are (not in a list of course) but to give an idea who is a part of this 'project' may sway the opinions of some people who look for certain musicians.
overall, i think it's very good. 8/10
as for the content, as a music album review, its biased yes, and some points contradictory (particularly your conclusion vs your 2nd paragraph when you state in the former that Opeth is far beyond anything else out there, yet in 2nd paragraph differentiate them from other 'elitist' bands) i know what you're getting at, but rephrasing it may help.
depending on the formality of the review, your last paragraph: when you state your opinion on the album, may or may not be appropriate. if it is more formal, leave your own opinions out of it, but if it is casual, the reviewer's opinion (as frequently shown on the ProgPower site) can be helpful in giving a reader a suggestion.
you do tend to pull out a lot of description and metaphor, but in a metal review, i think it adds to the impact and passion with which it is delivered.
other things i think may help you out would be to include a few clips of phrases of the band's words on the album, what they think of it, how they made it, what they wanted to say with it--
also, unless it is a given, its usually good to state who the band members are (not in a list of course) but to give an idea who is a part of this 'project' may sway the opinions of some people who look for certain musicians.
overall, i think it's very good. 8/10
Ermz
¯\(°_o)/¯
I was never aware Opeth were pidgeonholed into the New Wave/Melo Death scene. Certainly the first time I've heard it.
It's a pretty nice piece, I have to say. Some verbal masturbation needs editing in the introductory paragraph though, it sounds overly pretentious.
It's a pretty nice piece, I have to say. Some verbal masturbation needs editing in the introductory paragraph though, it sounds overly pretentious.
the_3_toed_sloth
Massive member
Not bad. As someone else mentioned, formal writing is meant to be in the abstract third person, so maybe you should think about changing your use of 'we'. Also, be careful with what you say about the fans of the metal genre, as, even though i pretty much agree, this is meant to be impersonal ("While legions of corpse-painted, spike-adorned Darkthrone purists may declare Opeth sellouts for daring to toy with tempos under the 380 bpm mark"), and so should not contain irrelevant opinions such as this. Oh, and someone please correct me if im wrong, but im pretty sure melancholy goes to melancholic in the context you've used it in (2nd para).
As for the actual writing itself, though its clear you love to write about this, try intersperse your writing with the occasional simple (short) sentence, or the reader is easily fatigued, ESPECIALLY with such heavy usage of such descriptive adjectives (and adverbs). If you are going to do any re-writing, I would actually say that the first two paragraphs really constitute a long single intro, and could perhaps be merged, which would then give you more space to spend on your 'nuts and bolts' of the review, paragraphs 3 and 4. It would be interesting to hear you say something about the themes of the songs, more about the meaning behind the lyrics, 'context' in terms of past albums an interesting point (this was a concept album, and i dont think you have even mentioned this). This is a review by the way, so even a little more time spent on each song would not go unappreciated.
Lastly, the conclusion does need work. Dont end with such a biased line as you do about Limp Bizkit; you are reviewing Opeth, not Fred Durst. You open with an unsubstantiated declaration that it is not their finest, the explanation in brackets doing little to justify it, and this needs to be changed. You also suddenly proclaim that they do not fit within the 'modern death metal' sub-genre, whereas you haven't actually previously said that they ARE death metal; i dont actually see any classification anywhere. And finally, it is interesting that you say "This isn't simply good metal, this is good music, period," and then continue the sentence - the slang use of the word 'period' aside from being a questionable inclusion into formal writing, should end a sentence, not appear in the middle. I hate to be niggly (well, actually it is kinda fun..), but I've had too many essays marked down for annoying things like these not to mention it when asked.
Hope this has helped, and would love to read it again if you do do any substantial editing!
As for the actual writing itself, though its clear you love to write about this, try intersperse your writing with the occasional simple (short) sentence, or the reader is easily fatigued, ESPECIALLY with such heavy usage of such descriptive adjectives (and adverbs). If you are going to do any re-writing, I would actually say that the first two paragraphs really constitute a long single intro, and could perhaps be merged, which would then give you more space to spend on your 'nuts and bolts' of the review, paragraphs 3 and 4. It would be interesting to hear you say something about the themes of the songs, more about the meaning behind the lyrics, 'context' in terms of past albums an interesting point (this was a concept album, and i dont think you have even mentioned this). This is a review by the way, so even a little more time spent on each song would not go unappreciated.
Lastly, the conclusion does need work. Dont end with such a biased line as you do about Limp Bizkit; you are reviewing Opeth, not Fred Durst. You open with an unsubstantiated declaration that it is not their finest, the explanation in brackets doing little to justify it, and this needs to be changed. You also suddenly proclaim that they do not fit within the 'modern death metal' sub-genre, whereas you haven't actually previously said that they ARE death metal; i dont actually see any classification anywhere. And finally, it is interesting that you say "This isn't simply good metal, this is good music, period," and then continue the sentence - the slang use of the word 'period' aside from being a questionable inclusion into formal writing, should end a sentence, not appear in the middle. I hate to be niggly (well, actually it is kinda fun..), but I've had too many essays marked down for annoying things like these not to mention it when asked.
Hope this has helped, and would love to read it again if you do do any substantial editing!
Kir-ir-Bannog
...no ordinary rabbit
your professor might not have any idea what black metal is, not just the fire-breathing aspect. I think you assume the reader knows more than he actually will do.
does this essay have a word limit? I feel there is more you could say about an description of the music scene (as an intro) and also a greater interpretation of the lyrics at the start of the album?
Its a good effort, but there is no way i could give a critique of it as a prof would.
cheers
does this essay have a word limit? I feel there is more you could say about an description of the music scene (as an intro) and also a greater interpretation of the lyrics at the start of the album?
Its a good effort, but there is no way i could give a critique of it as a prof would.
cheers
JoeVice
Member
Rumors of new material send ripples of anticipation through the mist-shrouded, anti-social hearts of metal enthusiasts everywhere, as they wait with baited breath (scorched from the occasional ritual fire-breathing, in the case of black metal)
thats a generalization, major stereo-type.
thats a generalization, major stereo-type.
Vrykolakas
shebeast
Cephalanthera
nihilist
AnTz0r
Crimson King
im sorry, but i think your review is way too subjective to make a good assignment. it is basically just one big adoration of the reviewed album instead of an objective cover of what opeth has tried to do.
maybe my view is a bit different from yours. im from the netherlands, universities here demand a pretty high academical standard compared to the US. anyway, what kind of class are you taking for this assignment?
some of the features i am missing:
-more objective view of the genre. be critical. i think you should not flame black metal in a death metal album review, just explain what it is, what death metal is and what sets opeth apart from bands in these genres. try explaining what kind of music opeth makes, dont say they are cool because they dont wear corpsepaint or something...
-too many use of terms you dont further explain (you know what Darkthrone is, your professor probably does not! do you think he knows what an arpeggio is, or who Steve Wilson is, does it even matter that he produced the follow up to the aims of your review? formulate a goal for your review, only include text that contributes to that goal and supports it.
most importantly: Still Life has such cool lyrics. i dont even understand them properly yet, im quite new to opeth, but you seem to have left out so many opportunities! think about linking this to moslim fundamentalism (the fundamentalism an sich, please dont go raving about terrorists) or christian inquisition, or other situations where religious fanatics forced their opinions to others.
it is only an analytical and objective view that would bring your text up to academic standards.
maybe my view is a bit different from yours. im from the netherlands, universities here demand a pretty high academical standard compared to the US. anyway, what kind of class are you taking for this assignment?
some of the features i am missing:
-more objective view of the genre. be critical. i think you should not flame black metal in a death metal album review, just explain what it is, what death metal is and what sets opeth apart from bands in these genres. try explaining what kind of music opeth makes, dont say they are cool because they dont wear corpsepaint or something...
-too many use of terms you dont further explain (you know what Darkthrone is, your professor probably does not! do you think he knows what an arpeggio is, or who Steve Wilson is, does it even matter that he produced the follow up to the aims of your review? formulate a goal for your review, only include text that contributes to that goal and supports it.
most importantly: Still Life has such cool lyrics. i dont even understand them properly yet, im quite new to opeth, but you seem to have left out so many opportunities! think about linking this to moslim fundamentalism (the fundamentalism an sich, please dont go raving about terrorists) or christian inquisition, or other situations where religious fanatics forced their opinions to others.
it is only an analytical and objective view that would bring your text up to academic standards.
