Post some one liners and other quick jokes.
- Thread starter Mike
- Start date
Dead Winter
STAHP
A bottle in front of me is better than a frontal lobotomy.
or
She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.
or
She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.
Shadow298
UNLEASH THE GUAN
Q: What do you tell a woman with two blakc eyes?
A: nothing. You already told her twice.
Q: How can you tell a gay whale?
A: he sucks the seamen out of the submarine
Q: What do Lesbian Vampires say to each other?
A: See you next month
I once had a teacher in primary school that used to try and embarass you by taking something from you in front of the class.
I was lucky that she only did that to me once.
Unfortunately, she took my virginity.
Q: What's 2 feet tall, 6 foot wide and can't go around corners?
A: baby with a javalin through it's head.
Q: what's the difference between menstral blood and sand?
A: can't gargle with sand
Q: what's 4 feet tall and hates sex?
A: the 8 year old in my cupboard
Q: what do you get if you cut a baby with a razorblade?
A: an erection
Q: What's blue and yellow and sits on the bottom of a pool?
A: Baby with slashed floaties (waterwings)
Q: What's green and yellow and sits on the bottom of a pool?
A: same baby two days later
Q: What's read and yellow and floats on top of the pool?
A: Floaties with slashed baby
More jokes later.
A: nothing. You already told her twice.
Q: How can you tell a gay whale?
A: he sucks the seamen out of the submarine
Q: What do Lesbian Vampires say to each other?
A: See you next month
I once had a teacher in primary school that used to try and embarass you by taking something from you in front of the class.
I was lucky that she only did that to me once.
Unfortunately, she took my virginity.
Q: What's 2 feet tall, 6 foot wide and can't go around corners?
A: baby with a javalin through it's head.
Q: what's the difference between menstral blood and sand?
A: can't gargle with sand
Q: what's 4 feet tall and hates sex?
A: the 8 year old in my cupboard
Q: what do you get if you cut a baby with a razorblade?
A: an erection
Q: What's blue and yellow and sits on the bottom of a pool?
A: Baby with slashed floaties (waterwings)
Q: What's green and yellow and sits on the bottom of a pool?
A: same baby two days later
Q: What's read and yellow and floats on top of the pool?
A: Floaties with slashed baby
More jokes later.
Jasonic
Doom On!
Q: What do you call lesbian dinosaurs?
A: Lickalotopus
Q: What's the difference between a hockey goalie and a (insert nationality) woman?
A: The goalie changes pads after three periods
A: Lickalotopus
Q: What's the difference between a hockey goalie and a (insert nationality) woman?
A: The goalie changes pads after three periods
A Priest and a Rabbi are walking down the street and notice a 12 year old boy on the other side of the street. The Priest points the boy out to the Rabbi and asks "what do you say, wanna go fuck him?" and the Rabbi asks "out of what?"
Dead Winter
STAHP
Metal head87
Member
- Jul 17, 2006
- 4,423
- 28
- 48
A man dies and goes through St. Peter's gate. So St. Peter shows the guy around heaven. He sees a wall of clocks that seem to stretch forever. He looks at the clocks and sees some of the hands are moving faster than some of the hands on the other clocks. So he asks why, then St. Peter tells him every time someone on Earth masturbates, the minute hand moves once. So he asks where his son's clock is. St. Peter says that god is using it as a fan.
Bigamy is when you marry one too many. Monogamy is as well.
A Protestant priest, a Catholic priest and a Rabbi are all on a lifeboat with many children. A rescue chopper is flying right over them, but there is only enough room for 3 people. The Protestant says "what about the children?", the Rabbi says "Fuck the children, let's get on the helicopter", the Catholic says "do we have enough time to do both?"
What kind of ice cream do gays like?
Fudge packer
How come there are no women at the Keebler Elf owned factories?
Because they pack fudge
What's the difference between Batman and a black man?
Batman can go to a store without Robbin.
Bigamy is when you marry one too many. Monogamy is as well.
A Protestant priest, a Catholic priest and a Rabbi are all on a lifeboat with many children. A rescue chopper is flying right over them, but there is only enough room for 3 people. The Protestant says "what about the children?", the Rabbi says "Fuck the children, let's get on the helicopter", the Catholic says "do we have enough time to do both?"
What kind of ice cream do gays like?
Fudge packer
How come there are no women at the Keebler Elf owned factories?
Because they pack fudge
What's the difference between Batman and a black man?
Batman can go to a store without Robbin.
perniciosa
Member
- Mar 22, 2006
- 1,125
- 23
- 38
I have a few not very good ones:
Q: Breast-reduction? For what reason?
A: To lose weight!
Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: So they can stand closer to the range.
Q: Why men cannot get mad cow disease?
A: Because they are all pigs.
A longer joke. It is kin of racistic:
Some troubles on an airplane.
"We are too heavy...We'll have to drop some people to lose some weight"
"To make it fair, we'll go alphabetically"
"Are there any African Americans on board?"
--silence--
"Are there any Black people on board?"
--silence--
"Are there any Colored people on board?"
--silence--
In the back of the plane two black guys hiding. The son asks the dad:
"But daddy, aren't we African American, Black and Colored?"
"Shut up son, today we're my pals"
Q: Breast-reduction? For what reason?
A: To lose weight!
Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: So they can stand closer to the range.
Q: Why men cannot get mad cow disease?
A: Because they are all pigs.
A longer joke. It is kin of racistic:
Some troubles on an airplane.
"We are too heavy...We'll have to drop some people to lose some weight"
"To make it fair, we'll go alphabetically"
"Are there any African Americans on board?"
--silence--
"Are there any Black people on board?"
--silence--
"Are there any Colored people on board?"
--silence--
In the back of the plane two black guys hiding. The son asks the dad:
"But daddy, aren't we African American, Black and Colored?"
"Shut up son, today we're my pals"
Metal head87
Member
- Jul 17, 2006
- 4,423
- 28
- 48
What do you do when you see your TV floating in the air at night?
Scream out "Freeze nigga!"
What do you call a Jewish dilemma?
Free ham
A steward on a plane is obviously very gay. He talks about how they are going to put the big ole plane into the tight little airport, and many other gay remarks like that.
So as the plane is getting ready to descend, the belt sign starts to flash. But a very well dressed, flashy woman does not fasten her belt. So the gay steward says "well, you're supposed to fasten your fabulous seat belt". She replies "I am the princess of Saudi Arabia, I don't have to listen to you!". He replies "Oh yeah? Well I am a Queen! So fasten your seat belt missy!"
2 Chinese people get married. Both are virgins, but the man is too proud to admit it, so he acts like he's had sex hundreds of times.
He says to his new bride "tell me what you would rike my dericate, pleacious frower". She says "I would rike numbah 69". He thinks for a minute and says "You want a beef wif a brocorri?"
Scream out "Freeze nigga!"
What do you call a Jewish dilemma?
Free ham
A steward on a plane is obviously very gay. He talks about how they are going to put the big ole plane into the tight little airport, and many other gay remarks like that.
So as the plane is getting ready to descend, the belt sign starts to flash. But a very well dressed, flashy woman does not fasten her belt. So the gay steward says "well, you're supposed to fasten your fabulous seat belt". She replies "I am the princess of Saudi Arabia, I don't have to listen to you!". He replies "Oh yeah? Well I am a Queen! So fasten your seat belt missy!"
2 Chinese people get married. Both are virgins, but the man is too proud to admit it, so he acts like he's had sex hundreds of times.
He says to his new bride "tell me what you would rike my dericate, pleacious frower". She says "I would rike numbah 69". He thinks for a minute and says "You want a beef wif a brocorri?"
Will Bozarth
Everlasting Godstopper
Dead Winter
STAHP
Dead Winter
STAHP
What are four books you'll never read?
Polish Wit and Wisdom
Italian War Heroes
Jewish Accounting
Negroes I've Met While Yachting
Polish Wit and Wisdom
Italian War Heroes
Jewish Accounting
Negroes I've Met While Yachting
TwistedSister
Godless
Man wakes up his wife at night, "Honey, here are your headache tablets!" She: "I don´t have a headache!" He: "Allright, so let´s go!"
Fortuneteller to a woman: "Your husband will die a violent death!"
Woman."And me? Will I be acquitted?"
Fortuneteller to a woman: "Your husband will die a violent death!"
Woman."And me? Will I be acquitted?"
perniciosa
Member
- Mar 22, 2006
- 1,125
- 23
- 38
In a mental institution:
-Doctor, God told me I’m Napoleon…
From the hall:
-Lies, I haven’t told him anything…
A stupid joke for people who like math:
In a mental institution: a patient runs up and down the halls and yells: “I differenciate everyone I see!” Panicking people run in all directions, except for one guy who remains calm and just observes the situation. The yelling madman approaches him and asks:”How come you do not run from me? Don’t you know I differenciate everyone I see!?” The calm guy:” I’m not afraid, I’m e exp(x)”
-Doctor, God told me I’m Napoleon…
From the hall:
-Lies, I haven’t told him anything…
A stupid joke for people who like math:
In a mental institution: a patient runs up and down the halls and yells: “I differenciate everyone I see!” Panicking people run in all directions, except for one guy who remains calm and just observes the situation. The yelling madman approaches him and asks:”How come you do not run from me? Don’t you know I differenciate everyone I see!?” The calm guy:” I’m not afraid, I’m e exp(x)”
Metal head87
Member
- Jul 17, 2006
- 4,423
- 28
- 48
A doctor tells a man, "I am not able to tell if your wife has alzheimers or AIDS".
The guy says "well how will I know what to do?"
The doctor says "drive her somewhere far away, if she returns, don't fuck her".
An old woman goes on a line to get oranges that are only sold for 2 weeks every year. She doesn't realize though that she is actually on a line of hookers that were busted.
So the cop, who thinks she is a hooker, asks her, "My goodness, you are well into your 80's, how do you do this?".
So she replies, thinking that he is talking about eating oranges, "Well sonny, I just take out my teeth and suck em dry".
A doctor is having a moral dilemma.
One part of him is telling him "don't worry, many doctor's sleep with their patients. You're not the first and you will certainly not be the last".
Then another voice says "Yeah, he's right...
EXCEPT YOU'RE A VETERINARIAN!!!!"
A guy tells his wife "We are going fishing tomorrow. I am taking you and the dog and no buts about it".
But she complains that she doesn't want to go.
So he says "You can either let me butt fuck you or you give me a blow job, then I won't take you along". She doesn't like the ultimatum, but he says that he is going to ask the dog and by the time he comes back, she better have her mind made up.
So he comes upstairs, and she says that she will give him head.
So she starts coughing and says "this tastes like shit!". So he says "the dog didn't want to go either"
The guy says "well how will I know what to do?"
The doctor says "drive her somewhere far away, if she returns, don't fuck her".
An old woman goes on a line to get oranges that are only sold for 2 weeks every year. She doesn't realize though that she is actually on a line of hookers that were busted.
So the cop, who thinks she is a hooker, asks her, "My goodness, you are well into your 80's, how do you do this?".
So she replies, thinking that he is talking about eating oranges, "Well sonny, I just take out my teeth and suck em dry".
A doctor is having a moral dilemma.
One part of him is telling him "don't worry, many doctor's sleep with their patients. You're not the first and you will certainly not be the last".
Then another voice says "Yeah, he's right...
EXCEPT YOU'RE A VETERINARIAN!!!!"
A guy tells his wife "We are going fishing tomorrow. I am taking you and the dog and no buts about it".
But she complains that she doesn't want to go.
So he says "You can either let me butt fuck you or you give me a blow job, then I won't take you along". She doesn't like the ultimatum, but he says that he is going to ask the dog and by the time he comes back, she better have her mind made up.
So he comes upstairs, and she says that she will give him head.
So she starts coughing and says "this tastes like shit!". So he says "the dog didn't want to go either"
