Post some one liners and other quick jokes.

[perniciosa]

One more:
3 Doctors at a Convention:

The first Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Artists, they are so colorful: red Hearts, pink Stomachs, green Spleens."

The next Doctor says: "Me, I love doing surgery on Accountants, open them up and all their Parts are numbered, makes it very easy.”

The third Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Lawyers, they have no Heart, they have no Guts and the Head and the Ass are interchangeable!"

 

[Mike]

lol, animal fucking jokes

 

[Shpongled]

A little Jewish girl goes up to her dad and says "Hey dad, can I have $50 for a date tonight?" Her dad replies, "$40?! I don't have $30! What do you need $20 for a date for anyways?!"

 

[Lunar Still]

Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

 

[Burning Bridges]

So a baby seal walks into a club...

 

[Shpongled]

Here's a good one:

Lord Red Dragon

 

[Will Bozarth]

I was thinking of doing that earlier. Oh well, you can have it

 

[Kvlt Wench]

Why do all the nuns want to marry Jesus Christ?
-Because they heard he was hung like this [spread arms in crucifixion manner].

How did the ancient Greeks seperate the men from the boys?
-With a crowbar

And a classic:

What has nine arms and sucks?
-Def Leppard

 

[ShadowsWithin]

Why do all the nuns want to marry Jesus Christ?
-Because they heard he was hung like this [spread arms in crucifixion manner].

didn't WD say that?

always a good one though

 

[AsModEe]

what's worse than 10 dead babies in a bag? 1 dead baby in 10 bags

 

[Kvlt Wench]

didn't WD say that?

always a good one though

I was in the old Exodus studio with a couple friends, and some random guy came in and started telling us jokes. That was the best one.

The only other one I remember is: Why did God give men big penises?

So women would have sex with them.

 

[Shadow298]

Q: What's Black, Blue and Frigid?
A: A Rape Victim

Q: What's the difference between a pizza and piece of White Trash?
A: Pizza can feed a family of four

Q: How do you get a Goth out of a Tree?
A: Cut the rope

Q: How many emos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Who gives a fuck. Let the cunt cry in the dark!

Q: How many perverts does it take to put in a lightbulb?
A: One but it takes at least 3 doctors to get it out again

Q: How many abstract artist does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Fish

Q: How many feminist does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Trick question. Feminist can't change anything

Q: How many guitarist does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 15. One to change the bulb, the other 14 to get the fuckign lead singer out of the spotlight

Q: How can you tell that the drum riser is level?
A: Drool coming out of both sides of the drummer's mouth

Q: What's got 3 legs and an arsehole on top?
A: A drum stool

Q: What's one thing that you never hear at a gig?
A: "I'm fucking the bassplayer"

Q: What do you call a small child near Michael Jackson?
A: Fucked!

A Blonde, redhead and a Raven lass are all in an elevator together.
The Redhead looks at the wall and says: "That looks like a cumstain!"
The Raven Lass touches and says: "Feels like a cumstain!"
The Blonde dabs it with her finger, licks it off and says: "Doesn't taste like anyone in this building".

Jesus walks into a hotel, gives the manager 3 nails and says: "Can you put me up for the night?"

Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of him?
A: Only takes one nail to stick up the picture

2 Irishmen walking down the road when they see a sign saying "Tree Fellers wanted".
Paddy says to Amos: "Will ya look at that?"
Amos replies: "Yeah. I know. Pity dere's only two of us".

More jokes when I remember them. :Smug:

 

[perniciosa]

Not exactly jokes but still funny cases of bad English:

Doctor's surgery in Rome: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Coctail lounge in Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Hotel inAcapulco: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

Hotel airconditionier instruction (Japan): Cools and heats: if you want condition of warm air in your room, please control yourself.

Restaurant in Nairobi: Costumers that find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.

Hotel lobby in Bucharest: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret to inform that you will be unbearable.

Cemetary: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

Airport: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

 

[Enemy242]

Q: How many abstract artist does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Fish

 

[flying_whale]

the one about bucharest is really funny in romanian. all are actually funny if you don't speak english natively
this tread rules

 

[EricT]

4 Washed out musicians get together and record an album. They call it:

St. Anger.

 

[Shpongled]

4 Washed out musicians get together and record an album. They call it:

St. Anger.

Damn it, this was stupid but it still brought a little belly laugh haha

 

[Metal head87]

A redneck walks into a diner. He looks at the menu and sees "Grilled cheese=$1, Hot dog=$2, Beef sandwich=$3, Hand job=$10".
He likes the sound of everything, so he checks his wallet to see if he has sufficient funds.
He calls over the waitress and asks if she's the one giving out the hand jobs. She rubs her hands and says "Yes" in a very sultry voice. He replies "Well wash yer hands cause I want a grilled cheese!".

BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.

BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n down to the local tavern.

BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick.

BYTE - What your pitbull dun to cusin Jethro.

CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps.

CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.

CRASH - Where you go to Junior's party uninvited.

DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers.

DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer.

FAX - What you lie about to the Revenooers.

HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.

HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.

INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

MAC - Big Bubba's favorite food.

MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers.

MODEM - What ya do when the grass gits too high.

MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live.

NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish afore it breaks the line.

ONLINE - Where to stay while taking the sobriety test.

ROM - Where the Pope lives.

SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters offa the porch.

SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast.

SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the Year.

SCSI - What you call your week - old underwear.

TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker.