random joke thread

[Torgoth]

President George Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy."

So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best-friend, who lives next
door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over,
that would be a tragedy."

"No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President.

"That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a
quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, were
struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, by a terrorist like Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that
would be a TRAGEDY?"

"Well," says the boy,

"Because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."


Hearing so many people speaking ill about his intelligence level, George W. Bush decided to get his brain checked. The physician diagnosis was:
- Mr. President, you have two brains, the left and the right, like all normal people. But the problem is: in your left brain, there is nothing right and in your right brain, there is nothing left!


Saddam Hussein and his chauffeur were rolling down the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road. They killed it instantly. Saddam tells his driver:
"Go to da farm over dere and hexplain to da honer of da pig whatappened."
One hour later, Saddam sees his driver coming back from the farm, his clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other.
"What appen to you?", he asks.
"Well, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife, the cigar and their 19-year- old daughter made wild passionate love to me."
"My God! What did you tell dem?" asked Hussein.
The driver answered:
"Good evening, I am Saddam Hussein's chauffeur and I have just killed the pig."

 

[Tut Ankh Amon]

@ the last one

 

[needled24/7]

Q-what do you call a man with a car on his head.
A- jack
Q-what do you call a man with a sea gull on his head
A- cliff.

 

[needled24/7]

there was an irish man in a bar. he said to him self ''god im pissed''. he thorght to himself that he should go home. so he CRALWED out of the bar and on to the street. ''god im pissed'' he said.
he DRAGGED himself along the street to his front door. he CLIMED up the door frame to the door handle and fell in. ''god im pissed'' he said. he CRALWED up the stairs and into his room and across the floor. he PULLED himself into bed with is arms and went to sleep.
in the morning his wife came in and said ''you got pissed at the pub last night dident you''. the man said ''how do you know''. and his wife says ''the land lord called, he said that you left your weelchair there''

 

[needled24/7]

im a duck

 

[bodomite]

OMG Bodomania that was GREAT!

 

[Janina]

A finnish, a swedish and a norwegian guy were captured by the devil. One day the devil told those guys, that if they'll bring him a fruit or a vegetable, they're free to leave. And so the guys went out to look for a fruit or a vegetable.
The norwegian was the first one to return and he had a banana with him. The devil said "put it in your ass and you're free to go". And so the norwegian tried to fit it in and finally he did it. He was crying and so the devil asked "why are you crying?" "'cause it hurts so much" the norwegian answered. And he was free to go...
Then came back the finnish guy with a cucumber. The devil said again "put it in your ass and you're free to go". The finnish guy was able to fit it in and he was laughing and crying at the same time. So, the devil asked "why are you crying?" "'cause it hurts" answered the finnish guy. "So, why are you laughing?" asked the devil. "Well, I just saw the swedish guy and he was coming back here with a watermelon!"

 

[Janina]

A finnish, a norwegian and a swedish guy were standing on a seesaw by a huge pool. A fairy godmother appeared and told those guys that they can make a wish. All they have to do is say, what they'd want to fill the pool with and jump in it.
The norwegian guy said "coca cola" and jumped to the pool, which was filled with coke.
Then the finnish guy said "beer" and jumped to the pool, which was filled with beer.
The swedish guy got so excited, that he ran to the edge of the seesaw, slipped and shouted "SHIT!!!"

 

[Welly]

i know this one since almost 10 years.. and im 14

 

[Janina]

A man entered his favorite restaurant and sat at his regular table.

After looking around, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table
nearby, all alone. He motioned the waiter over and asked him to
send their most expensive bottle of Merlot over to the woman, knowing that
if she accepted the bottle, she would be his.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the
gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and
decided to send a reply note to the man.

The waiter, who was lingering for a response took the note from her and
conveyed it to the gentleman.

Her note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes
in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in
your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to
return this to the woman.

It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a
Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty
million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful
as you would I cut three inches off ...... Just send the bottle back."

------------------------------------

A guy told his wife, that he is going out with his friends to have a couple of beers.
And so happened, that a couple of beers just weren't enough... The guys were totally wasted.
He went home and when he entered his house, he heard their cuckoo clock calling three times. But he was fast and decided to "call" nine times, so if his wife woke up, she'd think that it's only midnight.
In the morning his wife asked "when did you come back?" "At midnight" he answered. The guy was already thinking that his brilliant idea had worked, but then his wife said "by the way, we need a new cuckoo clock". "Why?" he asked. "Well, last night it called three times, then it said 'fuck!' called four times, farted and started to giggle and finally called four times!"

 

[†_Aragorth_†]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, ROFLMAO!!!!
that's fucking hilarious!!!