Stupid Reviews

[Onder]

Let's post stupid or plain wrong reviews, comment on them and fight with each other as always. You're not allowed to agree with each other. You can only fight till death and internet honour.

I'll start.

Yours truly,
Onderp

 

[Saparmurat_Niyazov]

Well, I see where the reviewer is coming from on this one, but I absolutely disagree.

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Warning/Watching_from_a_Distance/131406/caspian

 

[V.V.V.V.V.]

Haha Onder, the one you posted is the exact one I thought of. In fact, at MDF this past weekend, David, Guy and I were talking about Noktorn. I used to be in pretty regular contact with Noah but I've lost track of him over the years. He's quite a character and I think (and hope) he still has the same fetish for finding bargain bin shit and calling it classic and forgotten.

 

[Ov Wulf]

Noktorn had a blog called Trial by Ordeal that was running for a good several months, but it died off and he got tied up with some family shit. If this is indeed the Noktorn that you're talking about.

 

[Saparmurat_Niyazov]

Haha Onder, the one you posted is the exact one I thought of. In fact, at MDF this past weekend, David, Guy and I were talking about Noktorn. I used to be in pretty regular contact with Noah but I've lost track of him over the years. He's quite a character and I think (and hope) he still has the same fetish for finding bargain bin shit and calling it classic and forgotten.

I don't like Deathspell Omega either. I wouldn't call them a Christian band, however.

 

[SouthernAbyss]

I'm sure some of you would be inclined to agree with this dude, but to me, this review is the "worst humanity" has to offer, to say the least.

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Pantera/Vulgar_Display_of_Power/230/BloodIronBeer

 

[Necroraven]

A shitty review, though I like most of his texts.

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Mörk_Gryning/Tusen_år_har_gått.../6111/Noctir

I'm sure some of you would be inclined to agree with this dude
http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Pantera/Vulgar_Display_of_Power/230/BloodIronBeer

I certainly do

 

[Onder]

I'm sure some of you would be inclined to agree with this dude, but to me, this review is the "worst humanity" has to offer, to say the least.

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Pantera/Vulgar_Display_of_Power/230/BloodIronBeer

Why? Let's try to stay objective. Why do you think that is a stupid review? Do you think it's better than this one, which looks quite similar conceptually but awards the album with 97%? Some of their claims are exact opposites.

 

[Master_Yoda77]

Any given review on MA is going to be shitty.

 

[PhlegethonVeins]

Let's post stupid or plain wrong reviews, comment on them and fight with each other as always. You're not allowed to agree with each other. You can only fight till death and internet honour.

I'll start.

Yours truly,
Onderp

Now that review is just comical. Dude must live under an airport.

 

[SentinelSlain]

http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Morbid_Angel/Illud_Divinum_Insanus/302987/Zodijackyl

Unless it's sarcasm. It would make sense if it was.

 

[HamburgerBoy]

When the likes of Cannibal Corpse and Obituary came about and pleased every butt-rocking wannabe Satanist out there, a term such as "intellectual death metal" was only thought of as just an oxymoron. That was before Meshuggah came out and outsmarted all these suburban burnouts. Sure "Chaosphere" flaunts the flaming guitar solo every now and then, and don't forget their tendency of trying to come across as all dark and evil. But what Meshuggah have over all the carbon copy death metal acts out there is that they focus primarily on knowing how to play their instruments and segue tempo changes rather than trying to outspeed and outgrowl everybody. Seriously, each song will have one guessing on which direction the band is going to take next. Who would have thought that there would be a band that could respark a genre that was long thought overdone after the second Napalm Death record?
tracks

http://www.allmusic.com/album/chaosphere-reloaded-mw0000045351

 

[SouthernAbyss]

Why? Let's try to stay objective. Why do you think that is a stupid review? Do you think it's better than this one, which looks quite similar conceptually but awards the album with 97%? Some of their claims are exact opposites.

Well, IMO that album deserved a better review. I wouldn't of cared if he had given it a 50% or 45%, but a flat 0% seemed excessive. But hey, some people hate Pantera, and I can understand why.

Anyway, http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Morbid_Angel/Altars_of_Madness/191/OzzyApu

 

[Saparmurat_Niyazov]

I know the hatred for Dimmu Borgir runs deep, and really became intense with the release of PEM, but this reviewer just comes off as an elitist cunt. http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Dimmu_Borgir/Puritanical_Euphoric_Misanthropia/344/astathica

 

[Onder]

I know the hasted for Dimmu Borgir runs deep, and really became intense with the release of PEM, but this reviewer just comes off as an elitist cunt. http://www.metal-archives.com/reviews/Dimmu_Borgir/Puritanical_Euphoric_Misanthropia/344/astathica

Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia - 4%

TECNIQUE: 3,5/5
SONGWRITING: 1/5
PRODUCTION: 1,5/5
INNOVATION: 2,5/5

TOTAL: 4,3/10

What is the point of that round-up rating and TOTAL points if he divides it by ten in the end?

 

[Umodian]

http://www.allmusic.com/album/chaosphere-reloaded-mw0000045351

 

[Vossyrus]

Usually, it's the negative reviews that get on my nerves. However, there are exceptions... A review for Naglfar's Pariah:

Aural spectators are obligated to behold this pedantic, addling epitome of staunch iniquity as Naglfar glean the most distinguishable traits from both the black and death metal genres, in doing so summoning an anti-placid, subsonic dominion of utter perfidious imprecation.

Concentrated paranormal tempests of acute vulgarian discord are brought to fruition throughout these swarthy semblances of avengement, which in contrast employ an exceptional accentuation on harmonics for such a profane ensemble. Avernal blasts laced with an uncommon repugnance fabricate an efficacious, baleful maelstrom of bitterly florid torrents of resonance.

Diablerie in ataxia ensues upon commencement of the fetid, execrable and vile “A Swarm Of Plagues” in perdure from the colorless rout of “Sheol.” Congruent to the onerous drudge of “The Murder Manifesto”, Naglfar, as the manifestation of malevolence absolute, vent ruin with sufficient volition to wither the vacillating masses ad infinitium.

Adroit debasement consumes the auricular awareness of the credulous as the temerity of these encapsulated occult allegories within the perfervid deflections of this obdurate tetrad. This shroud of sonic hatred is Naglfar’s best yet!

:Smug:

 

[Onder]

^ Reminds me of Cythraul's ANUSreview parody. The subject was Demilich iirc. I think we could find more dumb reviews of this sort on ANUS.

 

[Avigrus]

I just hate it when someone gives an album 0% - people that hate a band and review the album just to give it 0% and reduce the average rating - i suppose it's the same as fanboys giving 100% but it still fucking shits me.

 

[Onder]

I just hate it when someone gives an album 0% - people that hate a band and review the album just to give it 0% and reduce the average rating - i suppose it's the same as fanboys giving 100% but it still fucking shits me.

Yeah but that's why the scale is 0-100, not 30-90. That's why sites choose the average rating. I understand why people rate something 0 if they just don't find any quality in the music and if they exaplain why it's offensive (as the Pantera disser did). I find it more explicable to rate something zero than to rate something 100/100 tbh.