Jonas Björler-The bass maestro! Very respected in by other bass players in metal, this man has earned himself a reputation even greater than that of Sharlee DAngelo (Arch Enemy, Witchery). Metalheads who know their homework will immediately recognize this mans time in At The Gates although Jonas doesnt talk about that much. Officially its because The Haunted is his main occupation nowadays rumour has it that other issues are involved. As you may know ATG had a much more depressive and downwards sound. Jonas felt the same way those years: At The Gates had a very dark and brooding sound
something you could relate to if you had a bad times. And I have had plenty! Not that Im Mr. Hard-Knocks, but you know. In the old ATG days, Jonas could often be seen chasing girls at the gigs
could it be that he tried the tough-yet-sensitive-guy image to seduce them? We dont know
But what we DO know of another ugly episode! And that is the total conflict between Jonas and the aforementioned diva Sharlee DAngelo. As we all know, Sharlee has that Jesus-Christ-looks-like-me nonchalant attitude that sometimes pisses people off. This goes for Jonas-boy too, and its understandable. A friend of mine recorded a little discussion between the two at a concert in Lille Vega, Copenhagen, a pretty meaningless gig as only 60 Danes met up (Sharlee was selling The Haunted merchandice). All metalheads probably know this by now as its all over the internet by now. But since all metalheads arent Swedish, Ive chosen to translate this discussion into English:
Jonas: Hey Sharlee, läget?
Sharlee: I want to go home get some sleep.
Jonas: Are you going to sit here selling all night? Wont you come see us play?
Sharlee: Ah, Im too tired. I need some special doping.
Jonas: What doping is that?
Sharlee: In English it is called alcohol
Jonas: Well, why dont you go to the bar over there and get some Carlsberg? Youll probably get it for free.
Sharlee: I dont want to drink with danskjävlar. I dont trust people from Denmark.
Jonas: Well, no one forced you to come sell our T-shirts, you know. Your own choice remember?
Sharlee: I know, since Im such a great guy
Jonas: I know, thanks. By the way, Ive heard you changed your old bass to an IBANEZ. How do you like it?
Sharlee: It increases my masculinity
Jonas: Hey man, I was thinking of scraping off the paint of my old basses and let the worms in my garden eat their way through the tree. Then Ill cut it open and put some glass over it so you can see their systems and
Sharlee: Im not in the mood for these sick, twisted discussions ok?
Jonas: Sick? Twisted? What did I say?
Sharlee: Im tired and I dont want to get my brain all cooked up with your hobbies.
Jonas: How lame that sounded. Drink some beer and relax.
Sharlee: Im a man of passion real men dont drink beer and put damn worms in their basses.
Jonas: Well, what does a real man do then? Shave his beard like a car salesman like you do?
Sharlee: A real man does not drink beer. A real man drinks whiskey and gets tons of chicks at gigs, except for the Danish ones. I dont trust
Jonas: I know you dont trust Danes! Youve said that ten times now. But I suppose you have a chick in every town elsewhere, huh?
Sharlee: I have many women around me. I cant remember the names of most of them because I am a lover man.
And well, thats all my friend got. Unfortunately Sharlee caught him recording and asked him to turn it off. My friend, the only witness, then watched the discussion get worse and grimmer between the two bassists. Since that day, they have not spoken to each other. But rumour has it that Witchery and The Haunted will do a European tour soon. Lets not hope for any violence! But on their stop to Malmö, local band Ominous will support them in K.B and Sharlee does NOT want to get in trouble with these guys from Malmö (also known as Swedens Chicago).
Apart from confrontations with Sharlee, Jonas is a calm and wonderful person with many hobbies. He loves eating food, his favourite being a big, bloody steak with lots of béarnaise sauce and potatoes. Pizza is pretty good too, he thinks. The place where he lives houses several creatures, most of them being rats. Many friends of his have tried to convince him to kill them all because they tear at his walls, have tenths of kids and shit in his food but Jonas is such a nice man that he ignores these problems. They are really nice. I call them Sodoma and Gomorra and they have these really cute, pink little kids. They both live in some cracks here and there, which I think is a pity, so I bath them and give them food. I couldnt ask for better neighbours. God bless this man!
As you may know, The Haunted had some problems with fleas over the months and Jonas is also a victim of this. But it he hasnt freaked out about it. Neither has he taken care of it! Well, at least he hasnt taken the flea-killing shampoo. Instead he picks them out from his hair one by one and slays them with a huge sledgehammer. Some say that this is how he gets his aggressions out. I think its simply because he does not want to bathe. You see, Jonas have some very odd ideas about how to handle hair. He believes bathing will damage its smell. The smell, you ask? Well, that is a secret of his. A secret I havent told anyone before! Heres the deal: Anders wants his hair to smell like a stable of horses. So he sleeps in one! It smells sexy and wild, like Ive been living in the woods for ten years he says. Is currently thinking about changing the stable smell with the bark smell. If only the rest of us metalheads would do the same! But then again a metal show should smell of leather and hair, not leather and nature products.
Whatever the smell, Jonas is still the man of steel!
Marco, waiting to get his chest tattooed.
Marco Aro: Marco is the strong man you see screaming out kickass tunes with a totally fucked up microphone and a sore throat. Thats right, Marko has had several problems with his throat yet he inhumanly manages to raise the metal banner every night. This is why hes called Man Of Steel by many fans except for the Norwegians who call him Metalgutten which means the same.I understand now why he spends time before every show eating raw eggs and drinking vodka with pepper. But when it comes to the flea problem, he is somewhat blessed because of the not so long hair. Well, I shave my head because the hair I got grows outwards and not downwards he said once and I guess thats a pretty good explanation. I say somewhat blessed because the fleas apparently moved down to his very hairy chest. They have started a minor colony there which, in fact, is positive as thats where Markos new tattoo is planned to be. There is only one way to get rid of these bastids he says regarding his plans, yet he has given us no details on the chest tattoo. Rumour has it that hes going to have a big arrow done that starts on the chest and goes down the navel and, on the chest, big letters saying follow the arrow. What this means I will leave up to your imagination!
For some time ago Marco was pretty angry and annoyed. Being a Carlsberg drinker for years, he was tired of paying the expensive, Swedish cost for his favourite beer. Thus, he had written a letter to the Carlsberg company, mainly complaints about how totally unacceptable it was that a rock star should actually pay for his fluids. Due to his increasing rock star status, Marco felt that something needed to be done and I can understand him somewhat. He never got a reply. I probably shouldnt be writing this right now in case Marco sees it, it is a closed chapter in his life. Instead, he now talks openly about his success with GothiaTek, the makers of his beloved Grovsnus. He now receives whole boxes of snus every half year or so. He has no animals as all dogs and cats seems to hate him. But when he was a little kid, he replied I want to be bald and have three rottweilers when the teacher asked what the kids in class wanted to do when they grew up. Well, he did get bald but the rottweilers didnt work out. The rottweilers? Nah, Im macho enough as it is. I know have 50 tarantulas and scorpions he has been quoted on saying. And its true, the little creeps are a big part of Marcos life and breeding them has turned into a lifetime occupation. But its a little out of control At least five spiders have escaped from their terrarium and started breeding on their own. Thus, youre never safe when youre at Marcos place because theres tarantulas everywhere, one even landed on my hair once. But the lord of the manor doesnt seem to mind as he thinks these creeps are making his place cosy. Hes right, but they need to stay the fuck away from my favourite cheese, Svarta Sarah. Last time I visited Marco they had occupied the cheese and may have poisoned it so I had to throw it out. 350 kronor right down the drain! And Marco didnt even seem to care! The again, the first thing he said when I brought it with me was get that thing out in the balcony, I cant stand that smell! Goddamn.
However, he has gotten into some trouble lately because of his unhealthy interest in disgusting animals. Last year he purchased this little, fat lizard which looked very cute at the time. Well, over the months this fucker has grown huge! The terrarium is so small nowadays that Marco is thinking about making a whole room only for the lizard with dog toys and food. Yeah, dog toys! The lizard enjoys breaking apart doggie chew bones although it prefers chairs and tables. It is also very aggressive and uses its sharp teeth and claws and whipping tail if its unsatisfied. Marco claims that a part of this lizards charm is its unbeatable rancorousness. So if you see Marco buying loafs of meat down the butchery, its for his pet and not him.
Together with other important people of the Swedish metal scene (important names like Marduk and Dark Funeral have been mentioned) he runs a side project called Jävla Måsar, which is a brutal black metal. Theyve just released new hit record Satanic Blasphemy and Måsar so if you want a copy, call Earache and ask and hope to get some, Ive done several times but no reply yet. This band is total crap, you dont want to listen to us! Marco said once but I guess thats only a trick for selling more.
Another idea he had for selling more music and making more money is to produce the upcoming The Haunted CD (I have heard its going to be called What The Didge Is A Didgeridoo? from some very reliable sources) in very thin folium so thatll it be easily ripped apart. That way, the fan has to buy the whole CD once again. Smart, huh?
He also reads a lot on tour, his new book is called Women that kill-female serial killers in the 90s because he is very paranoid when it comes to women he does not know. His band members have tried to burn the book on several occasions because Marco is getting very annoying lately, saying dont speak to me, ok? to every woman that stands to close to him.
He is a big breakfast maestro and makes the best breakfast in Sweden. He is so good that people order breakfasts from his house, and hes earning good money. American Breakfast is his speciality and he always starts the day with beans, bacon, muffins, omelette, sausages, eggs and a huge glass of Cola. He eats it morning and even has his separate kitchen in the tour bus of The Haunted. Comrade Per Møller Jensen has something of the like running in his spare time, but this youll have to read under his section!
Marcos career is running with fearful speed. Not only is The Haunted now known as Swedens Släyer, his other group Jävla Måsar is now regarded as a classic amongst hardcore black metalheads. Darkthrone is worried about their former cult status and rumour has it that theyre planning terrorist actions. Marco has laughed at this, saying that these panda bears cant nail a shit without destroying both ends which is another way of saying that theyre amateurs.
Jensen-Satans Gift To Women
Jensen: This here is the bands pretty boy and heartbreaker.
He is the one in the band with fewest tattoos, fact is he only has one inking, which is a purple pig holding a sign saying Nice Guy on his left foot. The Haunted is not Jensens only success, for some years ago he made quite a career selling expensive cars, yet the metal heart was pounding. So when he got fired one day for dishonesty to the customers, he decided to live out his dreams which we can all agree on was a wise decision! As you all know, the hair is now long, but theres fleas in it these days. Jensen is a practical man so instead of buying the very expensive flea-killer shampoo, he simply stayed two days in his fridge to freeze them to death. Just in case you wondered why his bandmates call him Iceman. He is also called The Doctor Of Love because he is such a ladies man.
He is a real habit of buying naughty underwear to his female manager of Earache some days before Christmas. She is thinking of firing The Haunted due to this, because these gifts (always wrapped in a red silk with a sign on it that says For the bottom of my heart Jensen) are affecting her spiritual life. She gets a therapist some weeks ahead of Christmas and starts the day off with a valium. But it went wrong last year; she had called all the employees and band-members together, saying that she would show them what a dirty pig Jensen really is. When Jensen showed up and saw what was going on, he panicked and tried desperately to avoid her opening the present, now when everybody was around. But Markus Sunesson (The Crown), who was in the studio helping out a certain band with Marco, felt a little macho that day and said hey man, let the woman open the damn present! and pushed Jensen away. When she (I will not mention the womans name, as she has asked me not to) opened the present, some very exposing underwear was found. Jensen laughed nervously and said: Oh, he, he. This is funny, that present was for my grandpa whos been in the train industry for ten years. He, he, now hell be getting your present instead, he, he isnt that funny? But nobody believed in him, they all looked quiet at him with sour faces. As aforementioned, Earache is currently considering of firing The Haunted because of Jensen only. What a troublemaker!
Jensen loves playing in the Haunted for many reasons, but his few demands have not been thought over much by the rest of his bandmates. These demands including having big, bluffy showbiz nights but none seem to like that idea so far. Another idea/demand is to put up a big sign on the concerts saying who admits to church desecration? but unfortunately, that has never come to realisation as Satyr (Satyricon) have stolen that idea and threatened to sue The Haunted if they steal his art as he says. How gay.
Jensen also had a mediocre success in Satanic Slaughter and Seance but he doesnt talk about those bands much. When I asked him about Séance, he said Yeah, I used to play in Séance, but then I had to leave the band for some very private reasons these reasons I do not want to go into at this present time. Another thing he does not want to go into is the ticking of clocks. Let me explain: at the tender age of 8 he was a military-fanatic and wore strictly camouflage clothes and knew everything about lethal weapons. His neighbours often used to say shut up or Ill call the soldier five blocks away when they joked with each other, but little Jensen didnt mind. The only thing he did mind was when there was a local festival in his town, which he thought was disgustingly awful because of its lack of violent elements and the pure joy of the festival. The little kid then ran around the festival with his cheap Walkie-Talkie saying make a contact, make a contact! to his fantasy soldier friends (he didnt really have any friends). His parents laughed at this, the father saying boys will be boys all the time until one day when they asked Jensen what he wished for Christmas. When the little boy replied that he wished that there were war in the world, they got worried and decided to put an end to his obsession with war and pain. But it didnt stop him. Jensen was up all night watching action and war movies. One of these movies was especially about bombs, bombs that would go off by the ticking of clocks. Tick..tick tick BOOM!! Jensen, having inserted earphones in his TV so that the parents wouldnt hear the noise, then damaged his ear and got a shock for life when the bomb in the movie got off. Even to this day, he still freaks out if he hears clock ticks. Last time, Lars Lindén (Carnal Forge) wanted to demonstrate how loud his clock was ticking (unknowing of Jensens mental imbalances) and completely lost control. What the FUCK are you doing?!! he screamed out and covered his ears with his hands for the next hour or so.
Like the rest of his band members, Jensen has many hobbies. He enjoys drinking alcohol but tries not to, because from the moment he starts to drink he cant stop. Computer games are pretty fun too, but he is afraid they will harm his masculine stamina so instead he has tried several other sports. Last year he rollerbladed from Gothenburg to Uppsala but on the way back he fell down and damaged his head severely. He got a minor brain concussion and slept 6 days in a row, which he says was a very positive experience: The brain concussion was real good because I didnt care about anything when I had it.
A hobby he has is eating contest when he is on tour with The Haunted. Last year, he was close of getting 500 Swedish kronor for eating a huge cake, but didnt manage to squeeze it all in. However, he has won 250 kronor for a whole bottle of soya that he drank up in half a minute time. Once his comrades in Witchery had stapled 35 (not boiled) eggs on a plate smoothened with oil (so they could glide down his throat easier) and it actually turned out that he ate 29. Another hobby is something Jensen practices at home, and thats the mechanics of bikes. He often tries to solve flat tires etc. by himself but its seldom a success. He usually makes a big fire in his garden and burns up the bikes cause his patience is very low. His collection of burnt bikes in his garden is very impressive. Hes also performing at concerts where his friends are playing. Some months ago he went on stage for Soilwork with his little theatre act. This involves him dressed up as Gammelsmurf, all blue with big beard etc. Its about Gammelsmurf who laughs insanely at a joke he heard but then his mobile phone calls and he hears his smurf-wife has died which is when he freaks out. It goes like this:
Ho, ho, ho, ho, det var det roligaste! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, det var det roligaste! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, det var der roligaste! *the mobile phone beeps* Ho, ho, hallo? Vad?! Neeej!!! Neeej!!!! Neeeej!!!!!
After this little act the band (in this case Soilwork) starts playing. Jensen mainly does this for fun but sometimes he gets money for his acting skills. He is immensely popular and foreign bands (mainly American) that tour Sweden has actually paid him. Why, you ask, would foreign metal bands pay someone they dont even know when its their first time in Sweden? Well, the main reason is because the Swedish crowds have been shouting Gammel-Smurf! Gammel-Smurf! Gammel-Smurf! all the time and complained if he doesnt do the intro. He will only perform if the acting starts with Dark Angels The Burning Sodom which is the song that gets him in the mood.
So Jensen is a pretty wealthy man at the moment. His girlfriend (well, one of many) has asked him to pay for her food-processor but he thinks of it as unnecessary. But since its Christmas soon, she might get what she wanted!
Per Møller Jensen
Despite Sharlees fearful warnings, The Haunted decided to hire Per Møller Jensen to show that they are open-minded to other cultures and not racists. Thus, a Jute is now playing in their band and its going pretty successful so far! He has even managed to survive the epidemic flea disease in The Haunted. Its cool, because us men stink so much I have decided to not shower in weeks so I stink even more. This way, the fleas will leave my hair alone he says. He used to play in popular Danish bands Invocator and Konkhra, but is in contact with none of them. I guess Per is too busy eating pyt i panna and blåbärsoppa and taking snus to come to Denmark and visit his friends an anonymous member of Invocator (with a dark past in Swedish-inspired melodeath band Autumn Leaves) said bitterly when interviewed about Per. Well, Per Møller Jensen may not have much time to come to Denmark, but he has integrated well to Swedish society and actually brought some of his culture to the new land. He owns an eating place called Pers Mean Lean Grilling Machine in Gothenburg that serves leverpostej, ristet løg, stegt flæsk with persillesovs, ribbensteg etc. etc. When working here, he often dresses in blue jeans, a cowboy hat and rodeo boots and is known as Grillfan by locals. At this time of the year, he has a Christmas tree on the fridge, but its not an ordinary one of those. Its made of plastic and comes with plenty of battery supply, if you clap your hands hard (five or more times, else it wont work) two eyes will appear while it sings Christmas songs with a rusty mechanical voice and dances. This machine tells of very bad taste when it comes to Christmas decoration, but its still a success for little kids. When there is kids in the restaurant, Per often walks over to them and says do you know how to clap? But it will not raise his visitors, many complain about the smoky and warm atmosphere and the bad food. A nearby McDonalds is growing with fearful speed and thereby is a threat, economically. I have interviewed several people inside Pers place, asking them for some good comments on how they thought of the food etc. but the answer was the same everywhere: never again. As if its not enough, hes also in trouble with the expenses as hes been forced to pay some heavy fines for the illegal selling of strong beer in Sweden. He has a bad habit of buying lots of beer in Denmark only to sell it in Sweden, which is practically illegal. Per has to make some quick money, this is why The Haunted is on constant touring these days, so if you really want to help out then pay a little extra for your ticket.
But Ill think hell do ok, because hes very calm due to spiritual harmony. His philosophy of life is wrath, hate, pain and death, something hes been practising since he was 15 years old. As a young boy in Jutland, he was picked on because he was the only one in class who couldnt read. His classmates terrorized many times, once they put freshly dug soil in his shoe and another time they put nails on his chair. He could not sit down for a whole month after that! Anyway, one day he said to himself Im tired of taking this shit and I aint gonna take it no more and decided to do something about it. Thus, he got tattoos all over. He has been inked 119 times and now thinks of it as a big mistake. But back in the day, he was very proud of having them and walked in the classroom without grief. Hey, theres Gummi-Tarzan a kid said but Per was cool and answered back: Hey, shut the fuck up! This aint no lower secondary school in Nørrebro! His teacher was pleased with his disciplinary actions. But sadly, he was kicked out of school later that year for the illegal selling of pyrotechnics in the backyard of the school. The Haunted has recently also had some problems with their drummer because of an incident that happened a week ago. The Haunted has a tomtevän game that they play every Christmas. The basic rules is that the bandmembers and crewmembers give each other presents, ending with someone guessing who their tomtevän is. This year, Per was the tomtevän of Jonas and his gift was a whole bag of coarse and rice that he threw all over Jonas bed. Later that night on tour, Per sprayed a tube of toothpaste into Jonas ears while he was sleeping. A minor bomb was also installed in Jonas bedroom in the tour bus and the poor guy was pretty shocked. Nonetheless, it was only a minor construction and no severe injury has been reported. However, we firmly believe that Per will make his way out of this (one way or another) as his good friend Jensen will help him. It may have something to do with problems at home, with his girlfriend. After Per has seen Jensens unbelievable talent when it comes to ladies, the Dane has now been trying to practice some tricks and tips himself. Well, the girl didnt get the idea and Per got a little nervous, saying er du dum?! which of course wasnt a success. His girl has also been offended by a discussion they had yesterday. Shed come home from a jogging trip around town, all sweaty. Jensen sat down the sofa and watched some hardcore wrestling and mudbaths while drinking beer. You jog so much, all day he said while taking another sip of the beer and continued: maybe you should do some other stuff, like sit down and watch TV, its good for the intellect seeing all these shows and you know the exact time of their broadcasting etc. And then you can buy some chips too Pers girlfriend finds his attitude rather disturbing and sees no point of their romantic entanglement anymore. I wanted to know more of what was going on, so I actually called Per on his mobile today. He seemed pretty happy actually, but we didnt talk long because he said Call me tomorrow, I have to go to sauna and switched off. I am not the only one whos been switched off, last year he had a party, celebrating his arrival to Gothenburg I think, and got a little intoxicated. While drinking mind-altering fluids (mostly Carlsberg but also Norrlands Guld the worst shit Per has ever tasted) the phone rang and it was the bank, asking about Pers economy with the new apartment and all. The talk was so tiresome that Per actually threw the goddamn phone down a bowl of water. It said blob, blob and then it was silent. The phone is still in order today Per claims. But the connection is a little shitty. Riding on the success of new release What The Didge Is A Didgeridoo, Per has recently bought a brand new hi-fi TV which he has installed in his bathroom, so he can sit on the toilet (or bruse-fåtölj as Per calls it) while watching his favourite shows.
But what we DO know of another ugly episode! And that is the total conflict between Jonas and the aforementioned diva Sharlee DAngelo. As we all know, Sharlee has that Jesus-Christ-looks-like-me nonchalant attitude that sometimes pisses people off. This goes for Jonas-boy too, and its understandable. A friend of mine recorded a little discussion between the two at a concert in Lille Vega, Copenhagen, a pretty meaningless gig as only 60 Danes met up (Sharlee was selling The Haunted merchandice). All metalheads probably know this by now as its all over the internet by now. But since all metalheads arent Swedish, Ive chosen to translate this discussion into English:
Jonas: Hey Sharlee, läget?
Sharlee: I want to go home get some sleep.
Jonas: Are you going to sit here selling all night? Wont you come see us play?
Sharlee: Ah, Im too tired. I need some special doping.
Jonas: What doping is that?
Sharlee: In English it is called alcohol
Jonas: Well, why dont you go to the bar over there and get some Carlsberg? Youll probably get it for free.
Sharlee: I dont want to drink with danskjävlar. I dont trust people from Denmark.
Jonas: Well, no one forced you to come sell our T-shirts, you know. Your own choice remember?
Sharlee: I know, since Im such a great guy
Jonas: I know, thanks. By the way, Ive heard you changed your old bass to an IBANEZ. How do you like it?
Sharlee: It increases my masculinity
Jonas: Hey man, I was thinking of scraping off the paint of my old basses and let the worms in my garden eat their way through the tree. Then Ill cut it open and put some glass over it so you can see their systems and
Sharlee: Im not in the mood for these sick, twisted discussions ok?
Jonas: Sick? Twisted? What did I say?
Sharlee: Im tired and I dont want to get my brain all cooked up with your hobbies.
Jonas: How lame that sounded. Drink some beer and relax.
Sharlee: Im a man of passion real men dont drink beer and put damn worms in their basses.
Jonas: Well, what does a real man do then? Shave his beard like a car salesman like you do?
Sharlee: A real man does not drink beer. A real man drinks whiskey and gets tons of chicks at gigs, except for the Danish ones. I dont trust
Jonas: I know you dont trust Danes! Youve said that ten times now. But I suppose you have a chick in every town elsewhere, huh?
Sharlee: I have many women around me. I cant remember the names of most of them because I am a lover man.
And well, thats all my friend got. Unfortunately Sharlee caught him recording and asked him to turn it off. My friend, the only witness, then watched the discussion get worse and grimmer between the two bassists. Since that day, they have not spoken to each other. But rumour has it that Witchery and The Haunted will do a European tour soon. Lets not hope for any violence! But on their stop to Malmö, local band Ominous will support them in K.B and Sharlee does NOT want to get in trouble with these guys from Malmö (also known as Swedens Chicago).
Apart from confrontations with Sharlee, Jonas is a calm and wonderful person with many hobbies. He loves eating food, his favourite being a big, bloody steak with lots of béarnaise sauce and potatoes. Pizza is pretty good too, he thinks. The place where he lives houses several creatures, most of them being rats. Many friends of his have tried to convince him to kill them all because they tear at his walls, have tenths of kids and shit in his food but Jonas is such a nice man that he ignores these problems. They are really nice. I call them Sodoma and Gomorra and they have these really cute, pink little kids. They both live in some cracks here and there, which I think is a pity, so I bath them and give them food. I couldnt ask for better neighbours. God bless this man!
As you may know, The Haunted had some problems with fleas over the months and Jonas is also a victim of this. But it he hasnt freaked out about it. Neither has he taken care of it! Well, at least he hasnt taken the flea-killing shampoo. Instead he picks them out from his hair one by one and slays them with a huge sledgehammer. Some say that this is how he gets his aggressions out. I think its simply because he does not want to bathe. You see, Jonas have some very odd ideas about how to handle hair. He believes bathing will damage its smell. The smell, you ask? Well, that is a secret of his. A secret I havent told anyone before! Heres the deal: Anders wants his hair to smell like a stable of horses. So he sleeps in one! It smells sexy and wild, like Ive been living in the woods for ten years he says. Is currently thinking about changing the stable smell with the bark smell. If only the rest of us metalheads would do the same! But then again a metal show should smell of leather and hair, not leather and nature products.
Whatever the smell, Jonas is still the man of steel!
Marco, waiting to get his chest tattooed.
Marco Aro: Marco is the strong man you see screaming out kickass tunes with a totally fucked up microphone and a sore throat. Thats right, Marko has had several problems with his throat yet he inhumanly manages to raise the metal banner every night. This is why hes called Man Of Steel by many fans except for the Norwegians who call him Metalgutten which means the same.I understand now why he spends time before every show eating raw eggs and drinking vodka with pepper. But when it comes to the flea problem, he is somewhat blessed because of the not so long hair. Well, I shave my head because the hair I got grows outwards and not downwards he said once and I guess thats a pretty good explanation. I say somewhat blessed because the fleas apparently moved down to his very hairy chest. They have started a minor colony there which, in fact, is positive as thats where Markos new tattoo is planned to be. There is only one way to get rid of these bastids he says regarding his plans, yet he has given us no details on the chest tattoo. Rumour has it that hes going to have a big arrow done that starts on the chest and goes down the navel and, on the chest, big letters saying follow the arrow. What this means I will leave up to your imagination!
For some time ago Marco was pretty angry and annoyed. Being a Carlsberg drinker for years, he was tired of paying the expensive, Swedish cost for his favourite beer. Thus, he had written a letter to the Carlsberg company, mainly complaints about how totally unacceptable it was that a rock star should actually pay for his fluids. Due to his increasing rock star status, Marco felt that something needed to be done and I can understand him somewhat. He never got a reply. I probably shouldnt be writing this right now in case Marco sees it, it is a closed chapter in his life. Instead, he now talks openly about his success with GothiaTek, the makers of his beloved Grovsnus. He now receives whole boxes of snus every half year or so. He has no animals as all dogs and cats seems to hate him. But when he was a little kid, he replied I want to be bald and have three rottweilers when the teacher asked what the kids in class wanted to do when they grew up. Well, he did get bald but the rottweilers didnt work out. The rottweilers? Nah, Im macho enough as it is. I know have 50 tarantulas and scorpions he has been quoted on saying. And its true, the little creeps are a big part of Marcos life and breeding them has turned into a lifetime occupation. But its a little out of control At least five spiders have escaped from their terrarium and started breeding on their own. Thus, youre never safe when youre at Marcos place because theres tarantulas everywhere, one even landed on my hair once. But the lord of the manor doesnt seem to mind as he thinks these creeps are making his place cosy. Hes right, but they need to stay the fuck away from my favourite cheese, Svarta Sarah. Last time I visited Marco they had occupied the cheese and may have poisoned it so I had to throw it out. 350 kronor right down the drain! And Marco didnt even seem to care! The again, the first thing he said when I brought it with me was get that thing out in the balcony, I cant stand that smell! Goddamn.
However, he has gotten into some trouble lately because of his unhealthy interest in disgusting animals. Last year he purchased this little, fat lizard which looked very cute at the time. Well, over the months this fucker has grown huge! The terrarium is so small nowadays that Marco is thinking about making a whole room only for the lizard with dog toys and food. Yeah, dog toys! The lizard enjoys breaking apart doggie chew bones although it prefers chairs and tables. It is also very aggressive and uses its sharp teeth and claws and whipping tail if its unsatisfied. Marco claims that a part of this lizards charm is its unbeatable rancorousness. So if you see Marco buying loafs of meat down the butchery, its for his pet and not him.
Together with other important people of the Swedish metal scene (important names like Marduk and Dark Funeral have been mentioned) he runs a side project called Jävla Måsar, which is a brutal black metal. Theyve just released new hit record Satanic Blasphemy and Måsar so if you want a copy, call Earache and ask and hope to get some, Ive done several times but no reply yet. This band is total crap, you dont want to listen to us! Marco said once but I guess thats only a trick for selling more.
Another idea he had for selling more music and making more money is to produce the upcoming The Haunted CD (I have heard its going to be called What The Didge Is A Didgeridoo? from some very reliable sources) in very thin folium so thatll it be easily ripped apart. That way, the fan has to buy the whole CD once again. Smart, huh?
He also reads a lot on tour, his new book is called Women that kill-female serial killers in the 90s because he is very paranoid when it comes to women he does not know. His band members have tried to burn the book on several occasions because Marco is getting very annoying lately, saying dont speak to me, ok? to every woman that stands to close to him.
He is a big breakfast maestro and makes the best breakfast in Sweden. He is so good that people order breakfasts from his house, and hes earning good money. American Breakfast is his speciality and he always starts the day with beans, bacon, muffins, omelette, sausages, eggs and a huge glass of Cola. He eats it morning and even has his separate kitchen in the tour bus of The Haunted. Comrade Per Møller Jensen has something of the like running in his spare time, but this youll have to read under his section!
Marcos career is running with fearful speed. Not only is The Haunted now known as Swedens Släyer, his other group Jävla Måsar is now regarded as a classic amongst hardcore black metalheads. Darkthrone is worried about their former cult status and rumour has it that theyre planning terrorist actions. Marco has laughed at this, saying that these panda bears cant nail a shit without destroying both ends which is another way of saying that theyre amateurs.
Jensen-Satans Gift To Women
Jensen: This here is the bands pretty boy and heartbreaker.
He is the one in the band with fewest tattoos, fact is he only has one inking, which is a purple pig holding a sign saying Nice Guy on his left foot. The Haunted is not Jensens only success, for some years ago he made quite a career selling expensive cars, yet the metal heart was pounding. So when he got fired one day for dishonesty to the customers, he decided to live out his dreams which we can all agree on was a wise decision! As you all know, the hair is now long, but theres fleas in it these days. Jensen is a practical man so instead of buying the very expensive flea-killer shampoo, he simply stayed two days in his fridge to freeze them to death. Just in case you wondered why his bandmates call him Iceman. He is also called The Doctor Of Love because he is such a ladies man.
He is a real habit of buying naughty underwear to his female manager of Earache some days before Christmas. She is thinking of firing The Haunted due to this, because these gifts (always wrapped in a red silk with a sign on it that says For the bottom of my heart Jensen) are affecting her spiritual life. She gets a therapist some weeks ahead of Christmas and starts the day off with a valium. But it went wrong last year; she had called all the employees and band-members together, saying that she would show them what a dirty pig Jensen really is. When Jensen showed up and saw what was going on, he panicked and tried desperately to avoid her opening the present, now when everybody was around. But Markus Sunesson (The Crown), who was in the studio helping out a certain band with Marco, felt a little macho that day and said hey man, let the woman open the damn present! and pushed Jensen away. When she (I will not mention the womans name, as she has asked me not to) opened the present, some very exposing underwear was found. Jensen laughed nervously and said: Oh, he, he. This is funny, that present was for my grandpa whos been in the train industry for ten years. He, he, now hell be getting your present instead, he, he isnt that funny? But nobody believed in him, they all looked quiet at him with sour faces. As aforementioned, Earache is currently considering of firing The Haunted because of Jensen only. What a troublemaker!
Jensen loves playing in the Haunted for many reasons, but his few demands have not been thought over much by the rest of his bandmates. These demands including having big, bluffy showbiz nights but none seem to like that idea so far. Another idea/demand is to put up a big sign on the concerts saying who admits to church desecration? but unfortunately, that has never come to realisation as Satyr (Satyricon) have stolen that idea and threatened to sue The Haunted if they steal his art as he says. How gay.
Jensen also had a mediocre success in Satanic Slaughter and Seance but he doesnt talk about those bands much. When I asked him about Séance, he said Yeah, I used to play in Séance, but then I had to leave the band for some very private reasons these reasons I do not want to go into at this present time. Another thing he does not want to go into is the ticking of clocks. Let me explain: at the tender age of 8 he was a military-fanatic and wore strictly camouflage clothes and knew everything about lethal weapons. His neighbours often used to say shut up or Ill call the soldier five blocks away when they joked with each other, but little Jensen didnt mind. The only thing he did mind was when there was a local festival in his town, which he thought was disgustingly awful because of its lack of violent elements and the pure joy of the festival. The little kid then ran around the festival with his cheap Walkie-Talkie saying make a contact, make a contact! to his fantasy soldier friends (he didnt really have any friends). His parents laughed at this, the father saying boys will be boys all the time until one day when they asked Jensen what he wished for Christmas. When the little boy replied that he wished that there were war in the world, they got worried and decided to put an end to his obsession with war and pain. But it didnt stop him. Jensen was up all night watching action and war movies. One of these movies was especially about bombs, bombs that would go off by the ticking of clocks. Tick..tick tick BOOM!! Jensen, having inserted earphones in his TV so that the parents wouldnt hear the noise, then damaged his ear and got a shock for life when the bomb in the movie got off. Even to this day, he still freaks out if he hears clock ticks. Last time, Lars Lindén (Carnal Forge) wanted to demonstrate how loud his clock was ticking (unknowing of Jensens mental imbalances) and completely lost control. What the FUCK are you doing?!! he screamed out and covered his ears with his hands for the next hour or so.
Like the rest of his band members, Jensen has many hobbies. He enjoys drinking alcohol but tries not to, because from the moment he starts to drink he cant stop. Computer games are pretty fun too, but he is afraid they will harm his masculine stamina so instead he has tried several other sports. Last year he rollerbladed from Gothenburg to Uppsala but on the way back he fell down and damaged his head severely. He got a minor brain concussion and slept 6 days in a row, which he says was a very positive experience: The brain concussion was real good because I didnt care about anything when I had it.
A hobby he has is eating contest when he is on tour with The Haunted. Last year, he was close of getting 500 Swedish kronor for eating a huge cake, but didnt manage to squeeze it all in. However, he has won 250 kronor for a whole bottle of soya that he drank up in half a minute time. Once his comrades in Witchery had stapled 35 (not boiled) eggs on a plate smoothened with oil (so they could glide down his throat easier) and it actually turned out that he ate 29. Another hobby is something Jensen practices at home, and thats the mechanics of bikes. He often tries to solve flat tires etc. by himself but its seldom a success. He usually makes a big fire in his garden and burns up the bikes cause his patience is very low. His collection of burnt bikes in his garden is very impressive. Hes also performing at concerts where his friends are playing. Some months ago he went on stage for Soilwork with his little theatre act. This involves him dressed up as Gammelsmurf, all blue with big beard etc. Its about Gammelsmurf who laughs insanely at a joke he heard but then his mobile phone calls and he hears his smurf-wife has died which is when he freaks out. It goes like this:
Ho, ho, ho, ho, det var det roligaste! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, det var det roligaste! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, det var der roligaste! *the mobile phone beeps* Ho, ho, hallo? Vad?! Neeej!!! Neeej!!!! Neeeej!!!!!
After this little act the band (in this case Soilwork) starts playing. Jensen mainly does this for fun but sometimes he gets money for his acting skills. He is immensely popular and foreign bands (mainly American) that tour Sweden has actually paid him. Why, you ask, would foreign metal bands pay someone they dont even know when its their first time in Sweden? Well, the main reason is because the Swedish crowds have been shouting Gammel-Smurf! Gammel-Smurf! Gammel-Smurf! all the time and complained if he doesnt do the intro. He will only perform if the acting starts with Dark Angels The Burning Sodom which is the song that gets him in the mood.
So Jensen is a pretty wealthy man at the moment. His girlfriend (well, one of many) has asked him to pay for her food-processor but he thinks of it as unnecessary. But since its Christmas soon, she might get what she wanted!
Per Møller Jensen
Despite Sharlees fearful warnings, The Haunted decided to hire Per Møller Jensen to show that they are open-minded to other cultures and not racists. Thus, a Jute is now playing in their band and its going pretty successful so far! He has even managed to survive the epidemic flea disease in The Haunted. Its cool, because us men stink so much I have decided to not shower in weeks so I stink even more. This way, the fleas will leave my hair alone he says. He used to play in popular Danish bands Invocator and Konkhra, but is in contact with none of them. I guess Per is too busy eating pyt i panna and blåbärsoppa and taking snus to come to Denmark and visit his friends an anonymous member of Invocator (with a dark past in Swedish-inspired melodeath band Autumn Leaves) said bitterly when interviewed about Per. Well, Per Møller Jensen may not have much time to come to Denmark, but he has integrated well to Swedish society and actually brought some of his culture to the new land. He owns an eating place called Pers Mean Lean Grilling Machine in Gothenburg that serves leverpostej, ristet løg, stegt flæsk with persillesovs, ribbensteg etc. etc. When working here, he often dresses in blue jeans, a cowboy hat and rodeo boots and is known as Grillfan by locals. At this time of the year, he has a Christmas tree on the fridge, but its not an ordinary one of those. Its made of plastic and comes with plenty of battery supply, if you clap your hands hard (five or more times, else it wont work) two eyes will appear while it sings Christmas songs with a rusty mechanical voice and dances. This machine tells of very bad taste when it comes to Christmas decoration, but its still a success for little kids. When there is kids in the restaurant, Per often walks over to them and says do you know how to clap? But it will not raise his visitors, many complain about the smoky and warm atmosphere and the bad food. A nearby McDonalds is growing with fearful speed and thereby is a threat, economically. I have interviewed several people inside Pers place, asking them for some good comments on how they thought of the food etc. but the answer was the same everywhere: never again. As if its not enough, hes also in trouble with the expenses as hes been forced to pay some heavy fines for the illegal selling of strong beer in Sweden. He has a bad habit of buying lots of beer in Denmark only to sell it in Sweden, which is practically illegal. Per has to make some quick money, this is why The Haunted is on constant touring these days, so if you really want to help out then pay a little extra for your ticket.
But Ill think hell do ok, because hes very calm due to spiritual harmony. His philosophy of life is wrath, hate, pain and death, something hes been practising since he was 15 years old. As a young boy in Jutland, he was picked on because he was the only one in class who couldnt read. His classmates terrorized many times, once they put freshly dug soil in his shoe and another time they put nails on his chair. He could not sit down for a whole month after that! Anyway, one day he said to himself Im tired of taking this shit and I aint gonna take it no more and decided to do something about it. Thus, he got tattoos all over. He has been inked 119 times and now thinks of it as a big mistake. But back in the day, he was very proud of having them and walked in the classroom without grief. Hey, theres Gummi-Tarzan a kid said but Per was cool and answered back: Hey, shut the fuck up! This aint no lower secondary school in Nørrebro! His teacher was pleased with his disciplinary actions. But sadly, he was kicked out of school later that year for the illegal selling of pyrotechnics in the backyard of the school. The Haunted has recently also had some problems with their drummer because of an incident that happened a week ago. The Haunted has a tomtevän game that they play every Christmas. The basic rules is that the bandmembers and crewmembers give each other presents, ending with someone guessing who their tomtevän is. This year, Per was the tomtevän of Jonas and his gift was a whole bag of coarse and rice that he threw all over Jonas bed. Later that night on tour, Per sprayed a tube of toothpaste into Jonas ears while he was sleeping. A minor bomb was also installed in Jonas bedroom in the tour bus and the poor guy was pretty shocked. Nonetheless, it was only a minor construction and no severe injury has been reported. However, we firmly believe that Per will make his way out of this (one way or another) as his good friend Jensen will help him. It may have something to do with problems at home, with his girlfriend. After Per has seen Jensens unbelievable talent when it comes to ladies, the Dane has now been trying to practice some tricks and tips himself. Well, the girl didnt get the idea and Per got a little nervous, saying er du dum?! which of course wasnt a success. His girl has also been offended by a discussion they had yesterday. Shed come home from a jogging trip around town, all sweaty. Jensen sat down the sofa and watched some hardcore wrestling and mudbaths while drinking beer. You jog so much, all day he said while taking another sip of the beer and continued: maybe you should do some other stuff, like sit down and watch TV, its good for the intellect seeing all these shows and you know the exact time of their broadcasting etc. And then you can buy some chips too Pers girlfriend finds his attitude rather disturbing and sees no point of their romantic entanglement anymore. I wanted to know more of what was going on, so I actually called Per on his mobile today. He seemed pretty happy actually, but we didnt talk long because he said Call me tomorrow, I have to go to sauna and switched off. I am not the only one whos been switched off, last year he had a party, celebrating his arrival to Gothenburg I think, and got a little intoxicated. While drinking mind-altering fluids (mostly Carlsberg but also Norrlands Guld the worst shit Per has ever tasted) the phone rang and it was the bank, asking about Pers economy with the new apartment and all. The talk was so tiresome that Per actually threw the goddamn phone down a bowl of water. It said blob, blob and then it was silent. The phone is still in order today Per claims. But the connection is a little shitty. Riding on the success of new release What The Didge Is A Didgeridoo, Per has recently bought a brand new hi-fi TV which he has installed in his bathroom, so he can sit on the toilet (or bruse-fåtölj as Per calls it) while watching his favourite shows.
