UMOS Joke Thread...
- Thread starter sixxswine
- Start date
The mother of a newly married son goes around to her son's place one day, and is shocked to see her new daughter-in-law lounging around totally naked. "What's this all about?" she asks. "It's my love dress; whenever my husband sees me in my love dress he can't resist ravishing me for hours on end!" the daughter-in-law proudly reveals. The cogs in the old lady's head start to turn, for things have been a bit stale on the romantic front for her. After she arrives home, she strips off her clobber and poses herself seductively on the lounge, awaiting the arrival of her husband. When he walks through the door, he obviously notices his naked wife and asks her what she's doing. "This is my love dress; do you like it?" Husband replies........ "Needs ironing. What's for tea?"
- Nov 24, 2002
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Wheezer said:
The best of the bunch IMO.
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Two blondes meet in Heaven. "How did you die?", the first one asks."Oh! I died in a freezer," the second blonde replied." So how did you die?" The second blonde asks, "Well, I suspected my husband was having an affair, so one day when I came home early from work, I looked all over the house, trying to look for the other woman because I saw that my husband was naked. When I coming upstairs from searching the basement, I slipped and broke my neck. I never got to find that woman," replied the first blonde. The second blonde then says, "If only you looked in the freezer, maybe we both might still have been alive!"
ZoMb!M@N
Old-School Headbanger
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language).
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time, and if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... 50 times!"
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time, and if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis... 50 times!"
kittybeast
Member
* HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and f**ks the princess. MY KIND OF BLOKE!!!
Two married mates are out drinking one night, when one turns to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I
go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I
get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get
undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and piss down my
leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes
up,and yells at me for staying out so late!
His mate looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the
steps, piss hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my
shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on
the arse and yell "WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound
asleep.
It Works Every Time!!
The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and f**ks the princess. MY KIND OF BLOKE!!!
Two married mates are out drinking one night, when one turns to the
other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I
go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I
get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get
undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and piss down my
leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes
up,and yells at me for staying out so late!
His mate looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the
steps, piss hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my
shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on
the arse and yell "WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound
asleep.
It Works Every Time!!
Priorities,
As we age, our priorities change ........
The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and
holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, I tied her up and went to watch the football and drink beer.
As we age, our priorities change ........
The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and
holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, I tied her up and went to watch the football and drink beer.
delize
Member
- Mar 28, 2003
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Old age is hard .....
A little old lady is sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach.
A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After
a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
He replies, "I used to live here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.
"For what did they put you in prison?"
He looks at her, and very quietly says, "I killed my wife."
"Oh," says the woman. "So you're single..."
A little old lady is sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach.
A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After
a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"
He replies, "I used to live here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.
"For what did they put you in prison?"
He looks at her, and very quietly says, "I killed my wife."
"Oh," says the woman. "So you're single..."
delize
Member
- Mar 28, 2003
- 1,941
- 0
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A guy walks into a bar in Tennessee (insert any state) and orders a
mudslide.
The bartender looks at the man and says, "You
ain't from 'round here are ya?
"No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania".
The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what
do ya do in Pennsylvania?"
"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.
The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks,
"What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?
"The man says,"I mount animals".
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole
bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
mudslide.
The bartender looks at the man and says, "You
ain't from 'round here are ya?
"No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania".
The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what
do ya do in Pennsylvania?"
"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.
The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks,
"What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?
"The man says,"I mount animals".
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole
bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
- Nov 24, 2002
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War Machine 212 said:
Astounding! (but sad).
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A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor ran some tests and said to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"
And the man answered, "Oh me and God? We have a really tight bond, he's so good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."
The Doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?" And she said, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"
tedvanfrehley
Your Favorite Uncle
OK, this is bad, but it made ME laugh!
A newlywed couple has a huge fight and the man leaves for the bar to clear his head. After a few rounds he decides to go home and make it up to his wife like never before. He sneaks into the bedroom, pulls back the covers, and slips into bed. After working his way down under the covers, he starts to tug gently at the silk panties beside him...with his teeth. At first she fights him off a little bit, but he finally coaxes her to give in and he gives her the best oral sex of his (and her) life. Finally, feeling spent, he get's up to use the restroom. He opens the door to see HIS WIFE standing in the bathroom! "WHAT THE HELL are YOU doing in here?!?!?!" he demands. "SHHHHH!", she scolds, "You'll wake your mother!!!"
A newlywed couple has a huge fight and the man leaves for the bar to clear his head. After a few rounds he decides to go home and make it up to his wife like never before. He sneaks into the bedroom, pulls back the covers, and slips into bed. After working his way down under the covers, he starts to tug gently at the silk panties beside him...with his teeth. At first she fights him off a little bit, but he finally coaxes her to give in and he gives her the best oral sex of his (and her) life. Finally, feeling spent, he get's up to use the restroom. He opens the door to see HIS WIFE standing in the bathroom! "WHAT THE HELL are YOU doing in here?!?!?!" he demands. "SHHHHH!", she scolds, "You'll wake your mother!!!"
tedvanfrehley
Your Favorite Uncle
And finally, before I go to bed:
A man moves to the backwoods of Kentucky from somewhere in the city up north. One night, he hears a knock at the door and gets up to see what gives. He opens the door to see the biggest, burliest, and dirtiest mountain man he's ever imagined. The man informs him that he is there to welcome him to the "neighborhood" and that he wants to invite him to a party for the upcoming Saturday night.
"Sure", says the man. "I love parties! I'd love to come!"
"Ok", says the mountain man, "But I gotta warn you. There's liable to be some drinkin'!"
"No problem", says the new resident."I went to college. I've seen my share of drinking."
"Well," says the man,"There could also be some fightin'!"
"Oh?" answers the guy."well, I tend to get along with everybody. I wouldn't want to be confrontational. i can't see me getting in any fights".
"Cool". Says the man,"but I should tell you, there will probably be some rough, dirty sex!"
"Now you're talkin'!" says the new guy in town."I am all about that! I haven't met anyone here yet and that sounds great."
"Killer!" says the man."We'll see you about 8 o clock."
As the mountain man starts to walk away, the other man has a thought.
"Hey!" he calls, "I forgot to ask you...what do you think I should wear to this party?"
"Fuck, I don't care!", says the mountain man, "It's just gonna be the TWO OF US!"
A man moves to the backwoods of Kentucky from somewhere in the city up north. One night, he hears a knock at the door and gets up to see what gives. He opens the door to see the biggest, burliest, and dirtiest mountain man he's ever imagined. The man informs him that he is there to welcome him to the "neighborhood" and that he wants to invite him to a party for the upcoming Saturday night.
"Sure", says the man. "I love parties! I'd love to come!"
"Ok", says the mountain man, "But I gotta warn you. There's liable to be some drinkin'!"
"No problem", says the new resident."I went to college. I've seen my share of drinking."
"Well," says the man,"There could also be some fightin'!"
"Oh?" answers the guy."well, I tend to get along with everybody. I wouldn't want to be confrontational. i can't see me getting in any fights".
"Cool". Says the man,"but I should tell you, there will probably be some rough, dirty sex!"
"Now you're talkin'!" says the new guy in town."I am all about that! I haven't met anyone here yet and that sounds great."
"Killer!" says the man."We'll see you about 8 o clock."
As the mountain man starts to walk away, the other man has a thought.
"Hey!" he calls, "I forgot to ask you...what do you think I should wear to this party?"
"Fuck, I don't care!", says the mountain man, "It's just gonna be the TWO OF US!"
#1_Droogie
Member
- Nov 24, 2002
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There were these three guys at a football game and it just so happened that they were sitting behind three nuns. They couldn't see really well over their habits, so one of the guys says, "Man, I wish I lived in Ohio, there are only 25 Catholics there."
One of the other guys says, "Well, I wish I lived in Idaho because there are only 20 Catholics there."
Then the last guy says, "Well, I wish I lived in Oregon there are only 15 Catholics there."
Then one of the nuns turns around and says, "Why don't you go to hell - there are no Catholics there!"
One of the other guys says, "Well, I wish I lived in Idaho because there are only 20 Catholics there."
Then the last guy says, "Well, I wish I lived in Oregon there are only 15 Catholics there."
Then one of the nuns turns around and says, "Why don't you go to hell - there are no Catholics there!"
ZoMb!M@N
Old-School Headbanger
ZoMb!M@N
Old-School Headbanger
sixxswine said:It was a matter of time before someone dusted off a Rick Allen joke...
hey, i got no comment on the prostitute joke........
