I get a ton of shit from the wife for how often my fingers up my nose. Anyone else got one of these spouses/girlfriends/boyfriends?
Whats the big fucking deal? Im a smoker, so I get boogers. Wheres the harm in digitally cleaning that shit out? Its not like Im mining for gold then making a salty deposit in the Oral Bank or something. I pick, and depending on where I am, I flick. If Im near a tissue, Ill stuff the fruits of my labor in it, sure. But if no tissues handy? Zooooooom! Across the room it goes, for parts unknown. Wherever it lands aint my problem; its not up my nostrils anymore, and thats all that matters.
I get a lot of Just use a tissue to blow your nose, you fucking skeve. However, blowing your nose doesnt necessarily do the trick, yknow? The hard and crusties sometimes dont always budge during the conventional nose-blow. A finger scrubs the best way to guarantee no danglers. And dont gimme any of this Well use the tissue to scrape em out shit; tissues break, and then Ive got this toxic bullshit up my shnoz as well as the nose crud. Tissues (or toilet paper) is for your ass, I say. THATS when you dont want tactile contact with something coming out of your body: when a stench accompanies it. But boogers have no odor. I dont use a Kleenex to wipe away sleepers (or eye crud); why the fuck would I use a tissue to get unscented waste out of some other hole in my body?
Why is seeing a finger up someones nose considered such bad form? I see someone picking their nose, Im like Now THERES a motherfucker I can TRUST. Kids are notorious nose-pickers, and whos more trustworthy than a child - unless, of course, that childs Damien? However, I dont recall ever seeing Damien pick his nose in either the original Omen or the recent remake, which strengthens my point even further: Satans spawn DOESNT pick his nose. Who wants to be like that kid, with the bad bowl-cut and the constant scowl (in the remake, at least), pissing off baboons (in the original) and knocking your Mother off a top floor balcony (in both)? If the Anti-Christ is all about doing the opposite of whats righteous, maybe picking your nose has the air of divinity about it?
We can learn a lot from those Omen flicks. The first time the concept of ass-fucking was introduced to me was via The Final Conflict - the under-appreciated third entry in the original Omen saga, starring Sam Neill as the now-adult Damien. He hooked up with this reporter lady, and at one point, theyre getting down. Suddenly, he flips the chick over and buries it, all evil-like, in her dumper. As an eleven year old without the benefit of an internet connection (or an internet, period), I was confused, to say the least. Sure - I knew about conventional sex (I used to shoplift Hustler from the local magazine store), but the horror in this womans eyes and the physical displeasure she was indicating spoke of some unforgivable act I wasnt schooled in. I was watching the scene and imagining this dudes sporting some kind of forked cock (I mean, he IS the devil), thats got a hydra-like head thats snapping at this poor ladys snapper - hence all the crying. I turn to my brother and ask What the hells going on, ya think? And my brother explains that Damiens getting all sorts of rectal with this chick.
Hes putting it in her butt, Brother Don tells me.
Why? I ask.
Because hes the devil. Thats what the devil does, I guess.
Now, coming from a Catholic household and six years of Catholic school at this point, youd imagine thatd be some kind of formative moment for both of us: like, from that moment forward, me and my brother would forever associate (or ASSociate) anal sex with Armageddon, and Id grow up to be one of these Gays are the devils pawns kinda guys. Instead, my brother grew up to be gay (married to a man, and celebrating their thirteenth anniversary today, as a matter of fact), and I became something of an ass-man myself (though with the ladies). The only Armageddon it introduced was my brother and I growing up to be like Armageddon me some ass!
What I did take from Final Conflict, however, was that anal is something to be approached delicately. For that reason, Im far less agro than Damien when it comes to the booty; Im smoove. Id have sex for the first time approximately two years after seeing that flick (I lost it at age thirteen, with a chick named Norma), but itd be two more years after that before I got into some of my first digital ass-play with my then-girlfriend, in a parked VW Beetle. Oddly, Damien and his hate-fucking antics never once sprang to mind. There was no spooky music and howls of terror; it was actually all kinds of cool, because the two of us (the then-girlfriend and I) worked ourselves up into a teenage frenzy over the tresspassing into heretofore forbidden territory
until a cop knocked on the window with his flashlight and told us to move along. But from that moment forward, the genie was out of the bottle, and the ass was in play: any time I went down on a girl, sooner or later, the pinky would aid and abet my cunnilingus.
I remember having a conversation with Mewes about eating girls out, and being shocked to learn that he only did it with the chicks he really liked or was going to spend time with beyond a one-night stand. Going down on chicks was never an option for me; it was the standard. When you grow up fat, youre never any chicks first choice for fooling around, and any nookie you get is predicated more on your personality than your looks. Since I didnt have the aesthetic advantage working for me, I decided that having the oral edge might improve my chances of getting action beyond the mercy-dry hump or third base fumblings. If a girl was gonna do me the courtesy of giving me a shot at the title, so to speak, I was gonna make an impression. So at age thirteen, I bought a gynecological textbook at a physicians book shop and read that shit cover-to-cover, absorbing all the knowledge I could about the mysteries of the dickless. By age fourteen, I was - as Sam Kinison used to say - a lick-master from the Orient. Youd be surprised how many women will look past a flabby, swingin gutt if they know theyre gonna get eaten out with nearly surgical precision. And when you add digital-to-anal manipulation to the mix, any thought of you as a fat-ass seems to fly out the window (at least until she cums).
I wouldnt have honest-to-goodness anal sex for another few years after that initial parked car experimentation. Then, like now, I was never the instigator; perhaps because of the impolite example Damien provided all those years prior, I figured that first move wasnt mine to make. If a girl wanted to plumb those depths, she was gonna have to tell me to do so. Its common courtesy, Ive always figured: if I was a chick, Id want to make that choice for myself - not have some oversexed horndog whos already being given the gift of a lifetime get all greedy and go for broke of his own volition.
Contrary to what they tell us in porn, Im of a firm belief that most chicks arent very into anal, but only opt for it in the heat of the moment. Sure, there are always exceptions that prove the rule; but if a sexual itinerary were to be established upfront, before things got hot-and-heavy, I think most women would be hard-pressed to utter And then, you can drill my brown. Its only during the throes of passion, when common sense gives way to pure carnality, that anal suddenly becomes a seemingly good idea. For that reason, Ive never rushed in with my dick where angels fear to tread; Ill start with the fingers, and if reason doesnt settle in at that point, Ill eventually do as Im told - though only in a spooning fashion. I mean, look at me: Im not the guy you want on top of you during traditional sex, let alone when something as delicate as the sphincters at the epicenter of it all. If a guy my size loses his balance during man-on-top anal sex, the poor womans looking at future of colostomy bags. I dont Damien-it; Im the tenth-of-an-inch at a time type, leaving plenty of room for reversal of opinion. It also helps that Im hung like a grape.
I guess what Im getting at is this: I feel its totally okay to pick your nose. And anal is something youve gotta let your partner call the shots on and during.
However, picking your nose DURING anal? Probably not a good idea.
-kevin smith
