Are You an Observer or a Joiner?

[MetalManCPA]

I went to my local Chinese restaurant last night. I sat in the bar for an hour - me and my two scorpion bowls (I do this at least ionce a week, but usually only 1 drink). All comments that follow are from my observations - I spoke with no one in my private hour, which of course, made me an observer last night.

I was sitting at a table behind the bar. There are a half dozen tables in the bar, along with a dozen seats at the bar. The bar was pretty full, and people were chatting.

I sat down, and began watching the football game on TV, but started to notice (and hear) the various conversations going on around me. I started watching the people instead of the TV.

This one girl (thin, long hair, pretty) made it her purpose to show everybody around her pictures of her daughter. Then, she was talking with this other girl, whom was having problems with her child - sounded like a custody battle. The "picture" girl followed the other girl out of the bar, explaining that this other girl would get in trouble. I guess she was going to her ex to get her kid. I was wondering why the "picture" girl had to show everybody her kids picture - was she insecure? A tease with a kid?

Two guys, later joined by a third, came in and sat next to me. They were up from NY for the holidays, and were commenting on how much our chinese food was better than theirs. They seemed to have come to the restaurant for a refreshment break from a holiday with the family. One guy said to the guy that joined later that his wife and 4-year old daughter were with a family member.

Then - 2 girls came in. One was more butch than the other - "seemed" to be lesbians, but who knows? I only say this because the "butch" looking one kept on touching the other girl. The prettier one seemed shy at first, but after 10 minutes at the bar, she was talking to a male regular sitting next to her. She was the type that touched with every sentence.

There were various other people there - some playing Keno, staring at the Keno screen to see if they've won, others were just drinking, eating and talking.

Anyways, upon driving home, I realized that I spent that past hour just observing people, and had no interest in joining into a conversation. Sometimes I will talk to people in situations like this, but I usually observe.

So, if you went to a bar by yourself, and sat down with a drink, would you try to join in a conversation with others, or are you just happy sitting by yourself and observing? Me - I like the by yourself and observing choice better.

 

[Misanthrope]

I would also be an observer too...however i dont go to a bar or restaurant ( or anywhere ) alone but even with friends or family im always like you.

 

[MetalManCPA]

Originally posted by Misanthrope
I would also be an observer too...however i dont go to a bar or restaurant ( or anywhere ) alone but even with friends or family im always like you.

Yes - I too do this with family. I'll see three or four conversations going on with ten people - and I'll just sit back, watch and listen, never once even attempting (nor wanting to) join in the conversation.

 

[Lina]

once again, metalman, very interesting topic.

you might not guess it because i'm active on this board, but i'm very much an observer. maybe you would guess it -- after all, i'm on this board rather than out partying.

i don't mind being on the outside, looking in. i've always thought it's partly because i'm an only child, so i'm used to doing things solo.

i would bet that many of us here have "observer" personalities, which i've always thought goes along with a certain type of intelligence that many of us have -- the ability to see the bigger picture, to observe "clique" behavior rather than partake in it, to follow politics and social issues rather than live with a veil over our eyes.

of course, this isn't to say i never feel lonely or wish that i could join in the "fun." and unfortunately it's hard to not become quite misanthropic, because most often we're observing stupidity.

 

[lumen]

I've done a lot of observing too. (Sometimes I'm so good at blending into the background that people forget I'm around.)

I've made more of an effort over the last few years to be more sociable, at least in certain situations, but I still prefer to sit back and watch rather than join in.

And yeah, you do see a lot of stupidity that way, making it hard to have much respect for the human species as a whole.

 

[Blackspirit]

I am definitely an observer.
My friend always used to comment that.
I can go to a big family dinner, and not really be BORED out
of my mind, even though I just sit there for hours and never
say a single thing. If people ask me something I replay and
that's it. And if I get bored I never really do anything to
"join" the fun. Familydinners are not my thing.
But point being, my friend is the totally opposite.
She's the one starting all the conversations, and she keeps
them going. If she's not talking she's deadbored! Hehe...

This is a very special thing about her, that I admire her for...
Her ability to keep a conversation going.... I am not very
good at that P I like to sit and listen. Observe what
everyone means, how they act, how they look....
Trying to make out a little story on each person, what they
have been through in life to make them behave the way
they do. When I go out for a cup of hot chocolate with some
friends I usually end up watching the people around me )

I am only a joiner if I'm with close friends ) Then I can be
the center of attention, but I can also be the observer.
But, maybe I'm not observing with my closest
friends, because I know them so well?
There's nothing new there.... While strange people, are also
acting totally strange >P

of course, this isn't to say i never feel lonely or wish that i could join in the "fun." and unfortunately it's hard to not become quite misanthropic, because most often we're observing stupidity.

This is very true Lina. Sometimes you end up thinking the
world is so fucked up you can't go on much longer.... /
And sometimes you want to take part of the fun, but you feel
like you can't, because you've been observing for too long....
So observing has a downside too >P

BUT, I love watching people! That was why I moved to Oslo;
more people around me )

 

[Belial]

Being aloof is an extremely valuable tool. You can learn so much about people and things by just learning to shut up and listen.

When I'm around people I tend to be silent and listen for a while, then attempt to join in. I guess I'm silent at first so I can get a feel for the person I'm interacting with. When I get really comfortable with someone I tend to talk more.

Sometimes I bring up a topic in conversation and then just withdraw and let everyone else debate it. I quickly learn their opinions on the subject that way.

 

[S4R]

I am most certainly an observer. Every Christmas at my aunt’s house I end up watching television with my uncle in the basement, I have to be beckoned to anything going on at the time . I do find however that I talk more in groups, I am not very good at one on one conversation. When I am comfortable (like Belial) and enjoy a person I can converse better one on one.

 

[yourdeadgroom]

Absolutely an observer. I never have alot to say.....

 

[yourdeadgroom]

Ok, I'll continue now (sorry, thought that may be amusing.. ).
About the only things that interest me in life are music, wargames, and sci-fi, and I never seem to be in a room with anyone else who knows the subjects, so I don't bother with starting conversations. No-one ever seems to start a conversation with me, even in family settings, which is mostly how I like it, but it can get frustrating. Sometimes, someone will ask me something and I'll answer, we'll go for about 30 seconds and someone interrupts, ending it all. I discovered long ago to stop trying to enter into conversations, even if I was part of the group before it started. I always wait till the person talking shuts up before I start, but always 1/2 way through my sentence someone else starts talking and everyone looks at them, so I shut up. I'm too quiet a person to barge in again. It often amuses/annoys me how I can be in a crowded room and still be utterly alone. Hence, I don't go out much, staying at home listening to a good cd is much less aggravating.

Gee, that sounded depressing, didn't it?

:doom:

 

[ricochet]

I am very much an observer. I typically don't say much to anyone and only answer questions specifically directed towards me. I just sit back and watch people and how they react to certain situations, talk to each other, talk about each other, etc.

I am glad that I am an "outsider" because I feel that, like Lina said, I can see the bigger picture...and choose not to partake in the meaningless bashings/conversations going on around me.

I often wonder what it would be like to just go out and forget about everything and just have "fun". After seeing how people truly are, I really have no desire to fit in and be part of the "in" crowd.

Sadly(?), I have grown to really dislike most people directly around me(at school, especially). Even at family gatherings such as Christmas and Thanksgiving, I generally don't get involved with the multiple conversations. I have no desire really and just remain bored while displaying a fake sense of happiness.

I suppose that I have always been this way for the most part. Growing up as an only child(although having an older half-brother who I now live with) and never having lived with both of my parents together, I have just learned to be a loner.

I have had "friends" over the years, but as I look back now and at my current situation I really don't have any true friends. I think I have just learned to look into people and see them for what they really are, which is why(for the most part) I don't want anything to do with them.

 

[Belial]

...

(Sits in silence and listens)

 

[RETIREDTrapped]

It is totally ironic and contradictory to be posting in this thread if you are an observer.

... This is my observation for this evening:

There seems to be a number of people that -want- to be an observer for some reason, wether it be the 'mystery' surrounding a quiet person, or wether it just be the fact that they want to seem much deeper in thought...

 

[Belial]

Originally posted by Trapped
It is totally ironic and contradictory to be posting in this thread if you are an observer.

... This is my observation for this evening:

There seems to be a number of people that -want- to be an observer for some reason, wether it be the 'mystery' surrounding a quiet person, or wether it just be the fact that they want to seem much deeper in thought...

I'm silent because I couldn't start or hold a conversation if my life depended on it.

 

[MetalManCPA]

Originally posted by Trapped
It is totally ironic and contradictory to be posting in this thread if you are an observer.

... This is my observation for this evening:

There seems to be a number of people that -want- to be an observer for some reason, wether it be the 'mystery' surrounding a quiet person, or wether it just be the fact that they want to seem much deeper in thought...

Well - I think the fact that you sit alone at your computer responding makes you both an observer and joiner while here at the Opeth board.

I don't actively want to be either - I just find myself more content observing. If you can tell from my posts - I think a lot. But honestly, I have not met many people who talk at my level. To me, conversation in the norm seems trivial and uninteresting. I just don't find many people in my life who are like me - where that natural connection exists. I can't be bothered forcing myself to make friends - I think a lot of people who have these so-called friends do it for purposes of stature - looks good to have a social life. I can't be that superficial - and observing brings out all that superficiality that exists around me. Hell - most of the time I talk, it's of the superficial nature, because most human conversations I enter into, family or otherwise, are really about trivial and shallow things. I don't consider myself special, but outside of my family, I see no worth in wasting time for social reasons. I am not compelled to join in conversation, because those conversations usually don't mean much, and waste time - time better spent listening to good music, or "joining" in on this messageboards various topics of interest.

 

[Belial]

Originally posted by metalmancpa


Well - I think the fact that you sit alone at your computer responding makes you both an observer and joiner while here at the Opeth board.

I don't actively want to be either - I just find myself more content observing. If you can tell from my posts - I think a lot. But honestly, I have not met many people who talk at my level. To me, conversation in the norm seems trivial and uninteresting. I just don't find many people in my life who are like me - where that natural connection exists. I can't be bothered forcing myself to make friends - I think a lot of people who have these so-called friends do it for purposes of stature - looks good to have a social life. I can't be that superficial - and observing brings out all that superficiality that exists around me. Hell - most of the time I talk, it's of the superficial nature, because most human conversations I enter into, family or otherwise, are really about trivial and shallow things. I don't consider myself special, but outside of my family, I see no worth in wasting time for social reasons. I am not compelled to join in conversation, because those conversations usually don't mean much, and waste time - time better spent listening to good music, or "joining" in on this messageboards various topics of interest.

You consider new item smells and and dancing banannas interesting?

 

[tintin]

I too prefer to observe than participate in a large social group. It seems that the more people are gathered, the lower the common level of intelligence gets. At crowded parties, I find that people tend to act either "too cool for words" or just plain moronic. That said, when I've found myself as a member of a group, I've also been sucked into playing the role of the fool. It's often unfair to judge people you see acting stupidly in a group because you might not be getting a fair representation of that person.

While younger there was much more peer pressure to be very social and do things in groups, even though I'd prefer not to. As I've gotten older, I've learned that if you don't want to be in a particular situation, and you don't have to be, then skip it, avoid being in a position where you'll feel uncomfortable. It's important to realize that you are in control of your own destiny, and there are options to avoid doing what you don't want to do, even if that doesn't seem to be the case.

I've always felt that my ideal situation socially is to be with one close member of the opposite sex. In my opinion, a strong relationship between a guy and girl creates the equivalent of one amazing person. The gender traits of the two sexes have an ability to mesh so that one person's weakness is often supplemented by the other person. Of course, this is a big generalization but I've found this theory to work.

My current relationship celebrates 10 years next summer and I can say that for that entire time, the feelings of inadequecy, loneliness, and timidity that I knew in high school are long gone. I can say that I still love to observe people, but while going around town as a couple, it's also important to me to be observed. Yes it's vain but I admit that I want people to think I look interesting and happy.

Anyway, those are my experiences as a social misfit.

 

[yourdeadgroom]

I just remembered, one of the reasons I don't like to talk much- every conversation I hear consists of people complaining. They don't like their job, the weather sucks, today was bad blah blah blah. This is all most of the people I have come into contact with talk about. I can't be bothered, my life has enough problems, I don't need someone elses.

In an effort to avoid some rather embarassing irony, I'd like to point out that the contents of this post is a statement, NOT a complaint.

Whew, dodged a bullet there.......

 

[E V I L]

Originally posted by yourdeadgroom


In an effort to avoid some rather embarassing irony, I'd like to point out that the contents of this post is a statement, NOT a complaint.

Whew, dodged a bullet there.......

<E V I L cautiously puts glock back in his jacket>

------

I'm a one-on-one guy. I'm introverted, but this doesn't mean I'm mute. I talk, philosophize, politicize, and sentementalize amongst friends. When in a crowd of people I don't know, I'm never the one to try to be the ego king comandeering everyone's attention, though that would be cool too. I have my quiet dignities.

In person, I crack jokes more than I break down the sciences. I tend to be light-hearted (despite some of the grave intellectual leanings I sometimes show on this board), and I'm very compassionate. I listen to others, I find myself consoling people and tendering to their feelings. (no, I don't live up to my name) I do my bits and pieces every day.

I also like long walks on the beach, quiet, candle-light dinners, and I give great back massages. If you like me, call me at 1-900-555-EVIL for sexy good times. just kidding.

 

[RETIREDTrapped]

If you like me, call me at 1-900-555-EVIL for sexy good times

just kidding

...damn