I was depressive to an extent where I would go to bed and wish Id never wake up again, and the next morning the first thing I felt was disappointment, seeing that I was still alive, and had been too weak to put an end to my miserable situation. The only wish I made for this year was that the next time Id feel this shitty again, and I was feeling shitty enough at that time, I had the strength to kill myself.
Since then, a lot of things changed and I have, step by step, climbed the way up to where I was before. One thing I realized was that it pretty much completely comes down to how you perceive things. Of course, there might be things that piss you off and they arent just gonna disappear when you start thinking about it in a different way, but it makes a great difference still.
I still have to deal with fears and things that I have no other name than "scars on my mind" for, but since the day I realized that it really matters how you perceive things, and when I decided that I was gonna be stronger and wont allow things to bring me down anymore, Ive been really good.
I dont know if there's much to say really, because I remember how I dealt with it the same way you do, try and be sarcastic, try and ignore it, try and look at life as a big fucking joke, level your expectations to almost 0 so that you cant get hurt and all that stuff.. it's gonna protect you against being hurt, but it brings you further down as well..
In retrospect, I can say that my depression was a war that I brought onto myself, and that I had to fight myself as well.. alone. I only hope that you make it through and come to a point where you can see the other side again, because it's there.. you have to open your eyes for it though.
Hmm.. I hope this helped
NV
