How to be 80s metal! (I got bored again...)

[spawn]

Kindly reprinted from my journal, cos im very bored and have been listening to 80s metal all morning.


Spawnys key ingrediants in being an 80s metal band:
* Big hair, I mean BIG, dont think Tyrannosaurus, think Godzilla!
* Widdly guitar solos with so much whammy abuse you could get arrested for spousal abuse if you were married to it.
* The word "baby" has to be used at least 3 times per song. "Girl" is an acceptable substitute when baby doesnt rhyme. Extra points for any lines that have "oooooooh" preceding the use of baby or girl.
* The guitarist must pull faces and generally act like its a total strain hitting the notes on the guitar during the solos.
* Extremely tight pants and tops in either leather or spandex or both. Extra points for any bright neon colours.
* When a chorus comes in, the guitarist has to walk over and sing into the same microphone that the singer is using. Extra points if you really sing with feeling.
* Groupies. And lots of em. This ones essential. You cant be 80s metal without them.
* Have lots of women in tight clothing in your videos, the more sexist you can make it, the higher it will go on the charts. You get bonus points for any song thats about sex AND has women in the video.
* Have at least one acoustic ballad where you can have the crowd sing along and have everyone hold there lighters aloft. Extra points if the song is about sticking together through the hard times or looking back on the things you have done before.
* Pointy guitars that could be used to rob a bank with.
* When asked in interviews about your image as carefree hedonists who just make music so they can have sex with women a lot, tell them "Its all about the songs man".
* Say to the press "This band is like a family man". Extra points if the band breaks up as soon as a new trend comes in and then has a bitter mud slinging war in the press about each other. Double extra points for any mud slinging that infers someone has a small dick or is gay.
* Have a drug or alcohol problem. Extra points for having both. Double extra points if its more than one member of the band.

Follow these key points and you too can have your own 80s metal band!

(Troops, I hope you are listening, as we still have to form that glam metal band we talked about )

 

[Wrathchild]

And who started all those trends, boys and girls? That's right, the very same band without whom Wrathy would probably be listening to techno, KISS!

I almost got kicked out of Saverys yesterday for blasting I Love it Loud on the new stereo I was about to buy. The sales help (biggest oxymoron in the world there) weren't impressed, but you don't pay hundreds of dollars for something like that without testing it first .

BTW Spawn, my mum was kind enough to pick up Hair of The Dog's "Rise" for me on Monday for $32. Bad news is its stored away in the present cupboard and I won't get to hear it until my birthday. (Sigh) Eight months to go...

W

 

[spawn]

Originally posted by Wrathchild
BTW Spawn, my mum was kind enough to pick up Hair of The Dog's "Rise" for me on Monday for $32. Bad news is its stored away in the present cupboard and I won't get to hear it until my birthday. (Sigh) Eight months to go...

W

WHAT? Go to the cupboard, kick the damn door down and play the cd!!!!! Just DO IT!
Finally someone listened and got the cd, but now they wont listen to it for 8 months..... *sigh*

You will all see how right I am about it being a CLASSIC cd one day. Then you will all come crawling back "Ooh Spawny, we are so sorry, we should have listened to you". But Ill be in an asylum due to frustration (sexual and otherwise of course).
See what you people do to me?

 

[TRrEiTxIxRiE DTrash]

Hahahaha thats brilliant!!! Hahaha here's something someone sent me a while ago... and the scary thing is that most of these are true for me!!!

YOU KNOW YOU'RE AN EIGHTIES METALHEAD WHEN:

1) You at one time tried to make the sawblade wrist bands that Blackie Lawless wore. Or you tried to make the Kerry King nail armband.

2) You know that the Dio logo turned upside down spells devil.

3) You saw the movie "Trick or Treat."

4) You constantly had to explain to people that Bon Jovi is not metal and that he sucks.

5) When you watch MTV news you recognize Megadeth's "Peace Sells" bass line at the end of the segment.

6) Headbangers Ball ruled in the last half-hour (Sunday at 2:30 AM).

7) You thought it was necessary to thrash your head at shows.

8) Poser was in your vocabulary.

9) You learned a little history by listening to Iron Maiden.

10) You or someone you knew had "The Number Of The Beast" album cover painted on their denim jacket.

11) You suspected Rob Halford was gay.

12) You had discussions on Metallica v. Megadeth.

13) You played "I'm The Man" to some of your rap friends.

14) You had albums from Combat Records.

15) You thought German metal would be the next big thing.

16) Your sleeveless denim jacket was covered with pins and embroidered patches.

17) You know how to pronounce and spell Yngwie J. Malmsteen.

18) Chicks in high hair and spandex ruled.

19) Guys in high hair and spandex ruled.

20) You really hated Tipper Gore.

21) You secretly liked Queensryche.

22) You wrote on your pants.

23) Your pants were in their prime when they ripped.

24) If you think Cliff Burton should be cannonized.

25) You find that "Angel of Death" would make a catchier national anthem than the Star Spangled Banner.

26) You find yourself yelling "SLAYER" at shows they don't even play.

27) If you thought Ministry was dance music.

28) You've never been to a concert sober.

29) If you think Tinitis is cool.

30) If you own a suit just for court dates and funerals.

31) You won't drive in a car if there's no tape deck.

32) You remember when MTV actually played music videos.

33) If you wore fingerless gloves even in 90-degree weather.

34) If you thought Chris Holmes was cool in Decline of the Western Civilization Part 2: The Metal Years

35) If you can name every guitarist Ozzy had after Randy Rhoads.

36) If you thought KISS actually meant Knights In Satan's Service.

37) If all the clothes in your closet are black Iron Maiden and Judas Priest concert shirts. (Okay, then there's that one Def Leppard one!)

38) You always remember the "J" in Yngwie J. Malmsteen.

39) If you think the higher the hair, the better the woman.

40) You wish Ozzy was your dad.

41) Any hair shorter than shoulder length would be selling out.

42) You had a skull ring.

43) You regularly measured your hair to see how long it gets, and you felt intimidated by guys with longer hair than you.

44) You thought that Texas Chainsaw Massacre III was the greatest movie ever because it had a Bay Area thrash soundtrack.

45) You remember the EXACT day ride the lightning was released.



How good is that? Hahahaha....

Checklist time!

Ok I haven't made sawblade wrist things but I've worn tiger skin leg warmers like Blackie!!! Haha...
I know about the Dio logo, in fact only on some albums it spells Devil backwards because sometimes the D is missing a line which is the I backwards...
Trick Or Treat is one of my favourite movies ever and I eve have the soundtrack on vinyl complete with backwards message!
Ok I love Bon Jovi but the same deal applies with nu-metal bands, I'm always arguing that!
I always watch rockMAX late at night to tape glam/metal clips...
I always headbang...
I call people posers all the times...
I've quoted Maiden before in class at school!
I ALWAYS have Megadeth vs Metallica arguments! (MEGADETH!!!)
I do have Combat Records albums haha...
I'm too young to have predicted German metal but I was listening to Scorpions and Kingdom Come before I was listening to German power metal..
Everybody knows I have the BEST sleeveless denim jacket ever!!!! Patches of Kiss, Maiden, Ozzy, Megadeth, Bruce, Helloween, Iced Earth, Poison, Scorpions, Judas Priest... pins of Kiss and Spinal Tap, writing on it, AND signed by Dave Mustaine and Al Pitrelli hehehe.
I wrote a 3500 word essay for uni about Tipper Gore and the PMRC's idiotic reaction to heavy metal
Queensryche rock
I spent every boring lecture last year writing on my knees in the holes in my jeans haha
2 out of my 4 pairs of jeans are ripped... one almost as badly as Joe Elliot's jeans on Def Leppard - In The Round
Ministry suck
I'm often pissed at local gigs haha
I always wear fingerless gloves and everyone thinks I'm weird
The Decline of Western Civlization Part 2 is the best doco EVER and Chris Holmes is fucking hilarious!!
Randy Rhoads, Brad Gillis, Jake E. Lee, Zakk Wylde... all Ozzy's guitarists on his albums I think
When I first got into KISS I did
All I own clothing wise is metal shirts, jeans, my vest and my laether jacket hahaha.. and about 2 jumpers
I wish Ozzy was my dad!!!!!! I always say that!
80s glam chicks rule!
I think every member of metal bands should have long hair
I always compare my hair length!
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3 sucks but the music is ok lol... the original TCM is brilliant though

Hahahaha that is quite scary for a 19 year old in the year 2002 Haha!

 

[dreamwatch]

This is all so true! 80's metal ROCKS!!! Music is so boring today, it just doesn't have the fun factor.

 

[spawn]

Oh my god, that Dio thing is TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!! I just checked!

 

[spawn]

Originally posted by The Trooper
12) You had discussions on Metallica v. Megadeth.

METALLICA!!!

 

[Southy]

spawny you DIDNT know about the DIO thing???

 

[TRrEiTxIxRiE DTrash]

I think music needs some new bands to come out in the vein of Twisted Sister, WASP, Motley Crue, Kiss, etc...

FUN SHOCK ROCKING PARTY HEAVY METAL!

 

[Lord Tim]

Are you sure we're not related at all, Trent?

I think you just described my life and wardrobe! HAHA!

 

[Mark]

Originally posted by The Trooper
I think music needs some new bands to come out in the vein of Twisted Sister, WASP, Motley Crue, Kiss, etc...

FUN SHOCK ROCKING PARTY HEAVY METAL!

Have you heard Hardcore Superstar?

 

[Goreripper]

Originally posted by Mark


Have you heard Hardcore Superstar?

Have you heard The Toilet Boys?

44) You thought that Texas Chainsaw Massacre III was the greatest movie ever because it had a Bay Area thrash soundtrack.

Aragorn from LOTR was in that!

 

[spawn]

Originally posted by Southy
spawny you DIDNT know about the DIO thing???

I do NOW!!!

 

[TRrEiTxIxRiE DTrash]

I haven't heard Hardcore Superstar but I've heard the Toilet Boys who I personally thought kinda sucked but I'd like to see them live because I've heard they have a good show.

Hahahaha Tim perhaps... at least I know your jeans are related to mine haha.

 

[Mark]

Hardcore Superstar is good ol' sleaze rawk

 

[Southy]

Sleaze ROCK

 

[TRrEiTxIxRiE DTrash]

Wave your panties in the air, lick your lips and shake your hair, uh huh!
Oooh when you spread a little oil yeah my blood begins to boil yeah!

Kiss are the greatest for that!

 

[Wrathchild]

I agree. Where's the fun in music these days?

I own what is perhaps the ultimate example of 80s metal, the soundtrack to that godawful Wes Craven movie Schocker (another case of crap movie= good soundtrack).

It features a star-studded cast including Paul Stanley, Bruce Kulick, Vivian Campbell, Tommy Lee, Megadeth (doing a killer version of No More Mr Nice Guy), Dangerous Toys and a duet of Alice Cooper and Mitch Pileggi (Skinner from The X-Files) on a very funny rap/rock tune called Shockdance. I played it for some XF fan friends of mine once, and it's a helluva way to start a Christmas party!

You can tell it was recorded in the 80s because of four simple words "Executive Producer Desmond Child" . Many thanks to Duellist for helping me track it down, BTW.

The only possible contender for the title of ultimate 80s cheesy metal release is WOW by the late Wendy O Williams. Produced and co-written by a certain G Simmons Esq, I'm told it sounds like the record that KISS should have made between Creatures and Lick it Up. Anyone heard it?

Spawn, I'm as frustrated as you are about that Hair of the Dog CD, but if you saw the state of my bank balance (thanks to several recent appliance purchases), you wouldn't be encouraging me to buy anything else right now .

W

 

[Ralphe]

Originally posted by spawn
Oh my god, that Dio thing is TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!! I just checked!

first thing i did too when i read the list!!!!!!!(and no i didn't realise until now!)

Yes to the following points
3,4,7,11,12(Metallica-pre Black album),15,17,18,19,21,23,25,26,28(except Black Crowes at the Hordern in Sydney about 10 years ago...very sober that night...no money...walked to the gig and walked home from the gig.....actually turned out to be one of the best concerts!!),31,36,37(all black t-shirts),38,40.I wish i could claim 45 but i don't actually know the date it was released!

 

[Blitzkrieg]

Wrathy, I have the cassette of that soundtrack somewhere. 'Tis cool, but I didn't think the movie was that bad either.