Males and Females

[Einherjar86]

This whole "stay friends with exes" thing is laudable, but very, very unrealistic. My ex and I agreed to stay friends after breaking up, which led to "no strings attached" sex, which led to getting back together, which led to me being an asshole to her, which led to breaking up again, which led to angry sex (awesome), which led to getting back together, which led to a huge emotional upset, and finally we were done.

In most cases the only solution is distance. You can be cordial to one another of course, talk when you bump into one another at parties, call or text every once in a while (and by that I mean once or twice every six months or so); but as far as making an effort to keep hanging out and seeing one another, all that does is remind you of feelings you had when you used to be together all the time.

I'm not saying this is the only way; but more often than not, trying to maintain a casual, friendly relationship just leads to both people rationalizing how they can get back to fucking again. Even seeing other people doesn't work; you need to see other people and not see each other.

 

[damnromulans]

Zeph, you're both in college. It's totally cool. Language geekery is adorable; I remember when MP and I had our first "I love yous" we said them in mutually unintelligible languages we were studying to each other first before using English. GAAAY

I totally guessed that acronym too, what a bunch of predictable fuckheads.

 

[Zephyrus]

Understandable situation, Pat. Mine might be different though, since we called off all intimacy right away. No sex, not even cuddling. Cold turkey. And for me, at least, it's working. We went out for breakfast this morning and things are pleasant between us. She's got a lot of psychological issues on her plate and acts like a bitch to me sometimes, but it's not really because of me. I'm not worried to death of losing her as a friend, but I will make an effort, and she's doing the same. Me getting with this cute girl may be a harsh lesson for her, but it's up to her to deal with it, not me.

 

[Episteme]

Understandable situation, Pat. Mine might be different though, since we called off all intimacy right away. No sex, not even cuddling. Cold turkey. And for me, at least, it's working. We went out for breakfast this morning and things are pleasant between us. She's got a lot of psychological issues on her plate and acts like a bitch to me sometimes, but it's not really because of me. I'm not worried to death of losing her as a friend, but I will make an effort, and she's doing the same. Me getting with this cute girl may be a harsh lesson for her, but it's up to her to deal with it, not me.

This is interesting, it's kind of like this with my ex atm to an extent. No sex, no cuddling. I'm missing the physical aspect alot though, especially since we had amazing sex. I really should just get on with my life and go pursue other girls since I'm not tied down anymore. I am afraid of losing her as a friend, and sometimes when I catch her looking at me she has this sadness and regret in her eyes for what she had done. And it's the same for me, I look at her and really miss what we had. Seeing each other everyday at school doesn't help shit get easier either.

 

[V.V.V.V.V.]

Gotta love springtime. Love is in the air.

She seems pretty awesome, we hung out a bit today. She's really smart, adorable and funny. I'm pretty excited to see where this goes.

 

[Jimmy... Dead.]

This whole "stay friends with exes" thing is laudable, but very, very unrealistic. My ex and I agreed to stay friends after breaking up, which led to "no strings attached" sex, which led to getting back together, which led to me being an asshole to her, which led to breaking up again, which led to angry sex (awesome), which led to getting back together, which led to a huge emotional upset, and finally we were done.

In most cases the only solution is distance. You can be cordial to one another of course, talk when you bump into one another at parties, call or text every once in a while (and by that I mean once or twice every six months or so); but as far as making an effort to keep hanging out and seeing one another, all that does is remind you of feelings you had when you used to be together all the time.

I'm not saying this is the only way; but more often than not, trying to maintain a casual, friendly relationship just leads to both people rationalizing how they can get back to fucking again. Even seeing other people doesn't work; you need to see other people and not see each other.

No offense, but this seems a bit infantile. I've been friends with my ex and have plenty of friends who are doing the same. Although I do see your point I honestly just think it's a case of maturity. Unless one (or maybe both) of the individuals in the relationship is completely bonkers why would they not be able to sit down, be reasonable and find a solution that would enhance their relationship as friends. If two people who care for each other need distance after breaking up what does that say about their judgment and the value of their experience together?

 

[V.V.V.V.V.]

If two people who care for each other need distance after breaking up what does that say about their judgment and the value of their experience together?

It says that every relationship is completely unique and cannot be accurately boiled down to basic decision making on a grand, general scale.

 

[Einherjar86]

No offense, but this seems a bit infantile.

Why is it "infantile"? If the memory of being together is too strong and tenacious to maintain a healthy casual relationship, then doesn't it seem rational to spend time apart?

I've been friends with my ex and have plenty of friends who are doing the same.

Good for you. As I said, the way I described isn't absolutely necessary.

Although I do see your point I honestly just think it's a case of maturity. Unless one (or maybe both) of the individuals in the relationship is completely bonkers why would they not be able to sit down, be reasonable and find a solution that would enhance their relationship as friends.

Maturity has nothing to do with it. We can't attribute some kind of irrational quantitative value to someone's age or intellectual, experiential, or ethical maturity. People who are in their sixties make poor decisions, just as people in their twenties do. Furthermore, no amount of relationship experience or knowledge of ethics means that someone won't commit an act of adultery or "ex-sex." Maturity is relative. There's no way to objectively quantify it.

I realize that one could say: "Well, this person has never done 'x', which demonstrates maturity; but as soon as he does 'x' that means he's less mature." What accounts for this? A person doesn't just regressively "de-mature." I find the accusation of immaturity completely baseless.

If two people who care for each other need distance after breaking up what does that say about their judgment and the value of their experience together?

I'll turn that around on you: if two people who were together don't need distance after breaking up, what does that say about the sincerity of their relationship? Did they even truly care about each other in a deeply romantic way?

 

[Master_Yoda77]

Seems like everyone is getting da ladies these days. A month ago everyone was breaking up.

I'm proud to say that I am forever single and I love it.

 

[Einherjar86]

I don't want to imagine what Yoda would have been like if he was married.

"The back of my hand, bitch, your face will feel!"

 

[Master_Yoda77]

I lol'd. I have too many things going on right now to really pursue a relationship, or atleast thats what I tell myself. I don't know of many girls that I really connect with anyways.

 

[Death Aflame]

I lol'd. I have too many things going on right now to really pursue a relationship, or atleast thats what I tell myself. I don't know of many girls that I really connect with anyways.

Just show them your lastfm profile; boom, instant girls.

I am still with my girlfriend after we broke up for a grand total of two days at the beginning of February. It's been great, but sometimes I find myself rapidly shifting from wanting to hang out with her to wanting to have my own space. It's weird, not sure what's up with that. Feelings and shit, what's their deal?

 

[entanglement]

...but some classes have compulsory attendance.

 

[Jimmy... Dead.]

Why is it "infantile"? If the memory of being together is too strong and tenacious to maintain a healthy casual relationship, then doesn't it seem rational to spend time apart?

I think it puts even more pressure on you both when seeing each other again. I'm not saying have lunch every day, but I don't think completely forgetting about each other is going to help you become better friends in the end. If anything, I'd suggest taking it slow and being understanding


"I'll turn that around on you: if two people who were together don't need distance after breaking up, what does that say about the sincerity of their relationship? Did they even truly care about each other in a deeply romantic way?"

It says they have respect for the relationship and themselves but they are not "in love" which is why they are probably breaking up. I can still like a person as a friend though, and respect our time together as a learning experience.

and the only reason I used the word infantile (which might be too harsh) is because you were saying you would have sex and get back together over and over which is a very immature trait (typical for people in their 20s) While not impossible I don't think it's probable 40-60 year old men and women are doing this lol

 

[Jimmy... Dead.]

It says that every relationship is completely unique and cannot be accurately boiled down to basic decision making on a grand, general scale.

While this is true it usually says something about one (or both) of the individuals in the relationship or the value of the relationship (partnership) itself.

 

[Zephyrus]

you would have sex and get back together over and over which is a very immature trait (typical for people in their 20s)

Dude, way to write off an entire age group.

 

[Dak]

She seems pretty awesome, we hung out a bit today. She's really smart, adorable and funny. I'm pretty excited to see where this goes.

Good Luck!

 

[Einherjar86]

It says they have respect for the relationship and themselves but they are not "in love" which is why they are probably breaking up. I can still like a person as a friend though, and respect our time together as a learning experience.

Well, maybe two people who choose not to see each other have respect for their feelings. Of course they can still "like" each other; it's not as though they harbor violent tendencies toward the other. They merely realize the difficulty of being near each other.

and the only reason I used the word infantile (which might be too harsh) is because you were saying you would have sex and get back together over and over which is a very immature trait (typical for people in their 20s) While not impossible I don't think it's probable 40-60 year old men and women are doing this lol

To start, why is that immature; because you say it is? What can you measure it against objectively? Furthermore, even if your generalization about 40-60 year olds was true, it wouldn't matter: all that matters is that age is no factor in this alleged "maturity" you speak of.

 

[Jimmy... Dead.]

Really? I mean, I think age has something to do with it. Well, how old were you at the time? I'm talking about the example you gave.

 

[Zephyrus]

Really? I mean, I think age has something to do with it. Well, how old were you in your example?

You're asking him to use as anecdotal evidence the same story that instigated your eloquent disquisition on the sexual immaturity of people under 30. Brilliant move.