I need some help with this, because I feel like a dick.
Okay, so I talked to my most recent ex recently and I decided to get off my chest that I had lied to myself and her in our relationship. I wanted her to know not just to get it off my chest, but because I think she was also lying to herself but wouldn't admit it, I wanted her to realize it so that she would not end up in such a fake relationship in the future.
She argued that it was real for her, but I have reasons to believe she was lying to herself out of loneliness, too.
1. We "bonded" very quickly over the exchange of self-righteous rants about politics and talking about sex, as well as a very forced exchange of deep secrets.
2. The sex was disappointing for both of us (she didn't get off, and I had watched so much porn for so long before that I either couldn't stay hard or came too fast), yet she told me, in the tone of voice of a disappointed person trying to encourage someone, "the sex gets better every time."
3. When I started up smoking pot again, she treated me like I was someone she hated, rather than a person she cared for who she was worried would end up screwing themselves up. I definitely don't want another guy to have to deal with that in any form, especially since she can be really judgmental. The way she talked about black welfare recipients, I really had to bite my tongue.
Maybe I was just being selfish, trying to face all of the negative results of lying to myself in order to motivate myself to not end up in such a fake relationship in the future, and I failed to consider that maybe she would be fine whether or not she knew what my emotional state at the time was.
The discussion led to an argument, and her position was inconsistent. One second, it didn't matter anymore so she didn't care, and the next, I'm an asshole for lying to her, or an asshole for telling her I lied to her.
Part of me feels like I should just let this go, but I also worry about her state. I think there's some serious denial going on if in the course of a single discussion, she can go through multiple loops of ranting at me about how bad she felt that I didn't feel anything for her then turning around and saying it doesn't matter, then going back into ranting at me again. I get the feeling that her strong sense of self is just a shell she uses to avoid feelings of a lack of connection with others (which she told me about during the discussion and while we were dating), but maybe she doesn't want my help and I can't help her.