metal songs whose existence cannot be justified

[Cythraul]

This thread is for discussing the most ridiculous metal songs you've ever heard, in your opinion. I mean songs that have no reason to exist, songs that you can't conceive of other people liking.

I started thinking about this after thinking about the second Keepers album by Helloween. I wanted to throw it on but I only have it on cassette and I really did not feel like sitting through the ridiculous tracks on that album just to get to the good ones, so I decided not to listen to it. Here are some examples:

"Dr. Stein" by Helloween. Stupid riffs and one of the dumbest choruses in the entire history of metal. I frequently argue about this track with a friend of mine. I think it is terrible, but he likes it for god knows what reason. I can't help but think that he only enjoys it ironically.



"Rise and Fall" by Helloween. This is an incredibly silly song and an incredibly lame attempt at humor.



Seriously, if you want to listen to a metal album why would you want to hear songs like these? I can't even fathom why Helloween thought these were good ideas.

Post your favorite metal failures.

 

[Addo_Of_Nex]

-Every stoner doom song ever
-Pretty much anything by a FinnDeath band turned soft cock rock:

 

[Cythraul]

God, that CF song is unbearable. I can't even listen to the whole thing. I've never even given Cold Lake a proper listen and I probably never will.

 

[Addo_Of_Nex]

I've only heard that and a couple of other songs from Cold Lake tbh. It's almost fascinating to watch that video in a masochistic sort of way when taking into account the fact that two of the members were pioneering extreme metal only a few years before shooting that slightly homoerotic video.

 

[NocturnalNemesis]

that slightly homoerotic video.

It's way more than "slightly" homoerotic, its like a drag queen's wet dream.

This is utter shit:
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4aELnPYCIc&feature=av2n[/ame]

 

[ArneZ]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VEtdLS3NHjU

Love it! Classic!

You should rather have posted this; haha

 

[jussstin]

I predict this thread filling with power metal pretty quickly.

Yeah I dunno what it is with Helloween and needing to put a few goofy songs in most albums. Dr Stein's pretty crap, but I quite like Rise and Fall for some reason. Perhaps because it knows how silly it is and just runs with it. Neither of them are as bad as this stinking pile of utter shite, which was the only real dud off an otherwise solid album:



Not quite as bad as Rhapsody's Forest of Unicorns though. From 1:42 - 2:10 of this is probably the most annoying half minute of music ever produced by a metal band:



uke:

 

[musicevangelist]

'nough said really.

 

[Cythraul]

uhhhhhh



Ummm, there's actually a record label for this stuff: http://www.hekaloth.com/

They specialize in, ummm, orchestral metal that employs epic themes. Yeah...

 

[Onder]

^ What the fucking fuck.

 

[SouthernTrendkill]

That's what happens when Varg goes to prison and wanks out with teh keyz... Peeps follow his lead even into those grim depths.

 

[Rumpole]

Number one for sure.

 

[Pitiless Wanderer]

[youtube]fnayvmyploE&[/youtube]

This is just simply atrocious and inexcusable.

 

[Saparmurat_Niyazov]

Of course, inevitably someone will come running to defend this band.

 

[Mort Divine]

-Every stoner doom song ever

Sorry, but I have to disagree here.

If you don't like this,

you are free to go fly a kite

 

[Mort Divine]

Anyways,

 

[Addo_Of_Nex]

Sorry, but I have to disagree here.

If you don't like this,

you are free to go fly a kite

Perhaps I'm not listening properly; but I feel like I'm hearing a Grateful Dead tribute jam band suck everything magical out of Black Sabbath's sound. Fuck that shit.

 

[Mort Divine]

Probably just missing something, I don't give a shit about most stoner doom, but bands like Sleep, Acid King, Zebulon Pike, Boris, etc. are great.

 

[NocturnalNemesis]

'nough said really.

Some aggro metal n00b has got his ears and eyes too full of gore and blood to offer meaningful opinions here. The band is trying create a kind of medievil village-like atmosphere in this song ( which is, after all, fantasy-based metal produced by one of the best Symphonic power metal bands out there) - and they used various relevant audible elements to effectively achieve this. I can easily imagine myself drunk with wine while dancing by a roaring campfire in village of Dwarves while listening to all this. The earlier Forest Of Unicorns song was also similar in nature, with the village and the dwarves being replaced by the woods filled with unicorns and fairies etc. Not all Metal needs to have lots of fast heavy riffs or screams etc to be great, and some bands (like this one) are more interested in creating atmospheric and adventurous themes within their songs than in how fast or hard they can rape their instruments. It might not be your cup of tea, which is fine, but it certainly doesn't qualify to be in this "worst metal" thread by any means because it's a unique and interesting style with plenty of flans and plenty room for growth as the use of technology and samplings etc ever increases in album production.

 

[Ryuuzaki]

This band is just far too cheesy.