Relationship question on the way..now be honest :)

[Gleemonex]

ok, i think i may finally have realised something, but i'm really tired so this might come out all wrong..
i´m hoping to get some sort of discussion out of this

i´ve never really understood one thing about relationships. well, i´ve never understood many things about it, but this bit has always made me wonder. why people keep holding on to relationships that are dead as a rock. i´ve always feared that, holding on to a relationship with someone who didn´t care for me anymore and vice versa. and i was just thinking..
i rather recently got out of a 10 month relationship. and during that relationship my biggest fear was that he would end up loathing me. when we started it, he loathed his ex, and just to see those emotions made me so afraid of such an occurance. and i think that fear might have been the reason for some of my torments. at times i felt like utter shit because i felt like it couldn't be right, that bastard (pardon the expression ) couldn't be what i was looking for.. yet i was afraid to end it
oh there might have been other fears or other reasons.. but i was just wondering if this fear of that other person loathing you or thinking ill of you or.. you know.. just the thought of a person who has cared for you and loved you suddenly not standing you anymore.. i was wondering if any of you found that fear to be familiar..

as i said, i´ve often wondered about why people hang on to dead relationships.. i think there are many reasons, like fear of being alone etc. but this reason just popped into my head a few moments ago, and i just wanted to see if there might be anything to it..

now come on people, i'm willing to squeeze a discussion out of you, tell me some thoughts and views on this

 

[Kushantaiidan]

The fear of being alone, and not being able to find someone else. The fear of having to compare a new person to the old person.. etc..

I've often had doubts in my relationship, and I know exactly what you are talking about. Sometimes I feel like i'm clinging to a dead relationship. But at other times it doesn't seem that way. And no-one will ever come close to fiona, and I think if I had a new relationship, I'd keep comparing the new person to fiona. And it would just be weird. been together 4 years now.

 

[Don Corleone]

i think you've said it , gleemonex. let's be honest: one doesnt end a relationship because of the fear of being alone.

observation and experience: one will very willingly dump another if he/she has someone else ready waiting for him/her.

man is a very selfish creature.

 

[Sadistik]

I wouldn't know, as I don't have any dead relationships to hold on to...

 

[Gleemonex]

observation and experience: one will very willingly dump another if he/she has someone else ready waiting for him/her.

yes, i´ve noticed that too..
i´ve also noticed relationships when they are "a bit shaky", the people in them start provoking each other, bicker over details, find other people far more interesting, etc.
which makes me think of affairs.. is the one in the affair really such a bad person? aren´t both of the persons in the relationship to blame? a person wouldn´t go looking for fun elsewhere if everything was working in the relationship.. but perhaps that is just dependant on the person involved, maybe there are people who just don´t give a fuck (well, or rather DO give a fuck) and screw around without ever thinking about it. and then there might be others who think about it, but do it because they feel like the relationship is killing them in some way..
i dunno, these are random thoughts here.

kush: yes i know what you mean about those better times. after i felt those emotional torments, i felt like he was the only person i would ever want. i would do anything for him etc etc. strangely enough, as soon as i KNEW it was over, as soon as he ACTUALLY treated me like he was a bastard, my emotions just shut down or sth, i just suddenly didn´t feel the slightest feeling towards him. well, i still felt like i wanted him to feel good in life and just do well and all that, but no real emotion. i´ve never experienced that before, and i certainly would never have believed that to happen. but i'm glad it did

 

[demon talented]

They had a study, and they said they found that men tend to think relationships are not over when they are more often than women. Take what you wish from this.

 

[Don Corleone]

hey ledtool. which crimson album are you listening to?

 

[demon talented]

Don: I was listening to "Red" at the time.

And, I'm listening to "L.A. Woman" now, by the way.

 

[Ethereal Sage]

Kush has the basis of it, and Don Corleone sums it up well.

As much as people like to think that relationships are supposed to be about give and take, about compromises for the greater good, most concentrate on the give to a greater degree, and the main thing they want is emotional security.
When people realise that they are no longer going to receive the emotional support THEY want, they look elsewhere for it. It seems non-sensical for them to be around someone they now know doesn't do anything emotional for them, but in the back of their mind they still hold that this person once gave emotional support, and might do it again.
Another reason for 'clingers' appears to be that they would prefer some emotional interaction, however awkward, over none at all. 'Emotional' love is a powerful thing, as/more powerful as/than addictive drugs.
Your fears are shared by many, we are just trying to 'make the best of what is given', very few think they will come across exactly what they want.

 

[Don Corleone]

RED is my fave KC album. i was waiting for that answer.

and yes im a huge doors fan, too.
from the slow ones by the doors, my fave track is crystal ship
and from the more rocky ones, my fave is LA woman
i especeially love it when jimmy goes crazy singing "mr mojo risin"

 

[demon talented]

I'm right on the Mr. Mojo Rising part.

"L.A. Woman" is my first Doors album I bought, and "Red" is my first King Crimson album I bought. I like both of them a lot.

"Starless" and "Riders On The Storm"

 

[Don Corleone]

good choice, dude.
riders on the storm is my "getting high" track...

 

[demon talented]

Originally posted by Don Corleone
riders on the storm is my "getting high" track...

I could see that.

Edit: I meant just the getting high part.

 

[Autumn Falls]

Personally Gleemonex I just went through this where my ex-girlfriend left me around two months ago after being together for a year and eight months. We also just tried to reconcile and she pulled out of that one again.. shame on me! Anyway.. what I'm trying to say is I always had the constant fear that she somehow didn't like me anymore or I did something wrong.. but then I realized I did not and that she was going through much of the same stuff I was even though it was her who broke it off.

Also I'm very much not happy with being alone.. and I'm very lonely now. At least I'm much much better then I was two months ago.

Brandon

 

[Gleemonex]

Ethereal Sage: interesting views you´ve got there.
i agree that many people tend to cling on to emotional security.
i really enjoyed that point of view of yours. it kinda describes how we humans are such emotional parasites, living off other people.

Autumn Falls: i´m glad you´re happy with being alone despite the loneliness. it sounds like you´re realising you should be good to yourself too well, i'm sure it will work out nicely in the end.

 

[Mr. Mojojo]

I was in a horrible relationship during most of my high school years. I despised being with her and she cheated on me frequently. I found myself affraid to leave because I was pretty sure that no girl wanted to date a loser with long black hair. I was also putting her feelings ahead of my own. I stayed with her because she "needed me" and she would "kill herself if we ever broke up". After about two years of this b/s, I decided that enough was enough and I told her that I never wanted to talk to her again. And it turns out that the girl of my dreams was right under my nose the whole time.

I hope I helped. Oh, and dont put any pressure on yourself yo find someone else. The harder you look for Mr. Right, chances are youre gunna find only losers. Enjoy your time, and worry only about keeping yourself happy.

 

[Thorns of Sorrow]

I hate the guts of all 5 girlfriends Ive ever had, I loathe them to the point of wishing pain and suffering on them. It will never cahnge, thats the way I am, someone fucks me over, they better fucking run, or else Im gonna do something stupid in an anger tyraid, Fortunately, thats never happened, but yes I hate every ex Ive ever had. Time does heal some wounds, instead of hating them, you care less and less about their minute and utter facile existance. Lowered to the point where they are the dust one sneezes out of ones nose....

As Kush said, guys hold onto things because they fear being alone, I assure once a new person comes in their life, they let go. It's happened to all of us, you can burden urself by pretending love existed, or that there was love in the relationship....Or you can say fuck that shit, it was a trivial stupid romance that ended, and now its time to look for more people. I find reboun relationships are not the answer, but just making new lady friends works for me, not even wanting to hook up with them, just enjoying their company. This remedies alot of things, it also helps you grow as a person, and you deal with woman on a friends basis, which is the number one thing I miss the most when I go through a break up, losing a friend.

So yeah...I wish all my ex bitches would die, and suffer severe meat hook sodomy (CC song hehe)..and at the same time, they dont exist to me, their life isnt worth while to me, for me to even ponder their most minute existance. At the same time, once this dude gets out and starts mingling again, he'll forget about you for the time being, and move on, eventually. If i were you I wouldnt give a fuck if he loathed you or not, guys are gonna be guys, you cant change that, in time he will either do one of two things. 1.)Hate you and wish terrible things on you, and care not if you live (like me) 2.)Let by gones be by gones, and start talkin to you every once in while. The trick is, not to dillute yourself into thinking that things will be cool, or the same again, cuz after a relationship is over, things ARE never the same.

end of rant...and yes I have deep ingrown women problems

 

[Autumn Falls]

I do as well Thorns.. heh I think everyone has something or will. I plan on checking out some therapy when I get home but I also think that everyone should consider that.

Brandon

 

[Thorns of Sorrow]

Therapy rocks...If it wasnt for my shrink, I wouldve taken a sawed off shot gun, gone up to my gf's college and blown her away and the fuckin preppy fuck face college jock she was cheating on me with...ahhh yes therapy rules...

heheh jk, yeh well therapy helps me to lower my hate for these women, and just get into the point where I sorta am now, where I dont even comprehend their existance.

 

[Autumn Falls]

That's cool I am looking forward to it and hope I can follow through with saying I will check it out..

On a side note.. you say you went to Berklee for one semester? It's definetly where I would like to go but 30k a year to study composition is ridiculous when I can go to North Texas, live twenty minutes away from my Dad and go to one of the better music schools in the US..

I just still want to go to Berklee.. my teacher who taught me everything is alumni hehe.. I'm going up for Summer Sessions though in August! HELL YEA!

Brandon