People and new kids. It's cool to say, "Yeah, I had a kid a couple of months ago" or something like that but why beat you into every detail? Customer today had pictures plastered all over the office of his new baby. Asks me if I noticed. Yeah, kinda cuz you took down all the hotties in bikinis and replaced them with a chubby-faced infant decked out in a dirty binky and a Walmart bow. Then goes on the usual soliloquy with all the details. "She was born November 16th at Mercy Hospital. Her mom was in labor for 14 hours and finally had to be induced. She weighed (Hold on, padre, I'm writing this down) 7 pounds and 6 ounces and was born at 2:37 PM."
Fucks sake. What am I supposed to say? "Holy shit! I see the Virgin Mary in its cherubic little cheeks! I have never, ever seen a baby quite like this and although I know we're both guys, I gotta tell you I kinda need to be held right now because dammit, I'm gonna cry. Mind if I have one of these pictures for my wallet?"
I want to hear someone end it with something like, "Yeah, good thing her mom was a bit of a whore in school before I got to her. Her labias are as tough as saddle leather and know what? I'm already back t' fuckin'." Then I'd be like, "High five!" and he'd be like, "Yeah!" then he'd pull out his camera phone and show me his 4 second video he shot of her stretching out a teddy that wasn't made for big girls and he'd be like, "Mmm hmm. Nice huh?" at wich point I would fake receiving a phone call and go outside to throw up.
So yeah. Kids, huh?
